Married At First Sight: Doug Hehner and Jamie Otis Trying To Conceive After Miscarriage

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Me trying to get pregnant is like me trying to pat my head and rub my belly at the same time — have you ever tried that?! It’s next to impossible. 😛 Which is so strange … if you read my book, Wifey 101, you’ll know exactly why I say this (but it’s too hard to write out here). As many of my close followers – A.K.A Frans / MAFS Family – know, trying to conceive after miscarriage has been rough for my hubby, Doug, and me. A few months ago I went to a psychic with my mother in law and she told me (just what my mother in law has been telling me) that we are trying way too hard. Never ever in life have I ever been told to “Stop trying so hard!” When you’re in school, in sports, in business, etc., you’re told to “Never give up!” and “Do the BEST you can.” That’s been my life’s motto so learning how to STOP TRYING SO HARD when trying to get pregnant hurts my cranium!

Another Month, Not Pregnant

This is gonna be way TMI, but I got my period today. So, there’s no doubt I’m NOT pregnant. Usually I take one of those “99% accurate 5 days before missed period” tests like five times before my period comes in hopes it will say “pregnant” or have an extra line or give me any sign that I’m preggers. ( I wish I was just kidding here about the 5 tests! 😛 ) I didn’t have to do that this month because my monthly visitor came a week early. I told my hubs, “Hey, at least we didn’t waste our money on pregnancy tests this month!” Those stinkers are expensive! Especially when you have to buy 5 because you don’t believe the first 4 negative results.

trying-for-our-rainbow-baby

No Christmas Baby

Doug and I were due to have our sweet boy, Johnny, on December 20th. He was going to be our little bundle of joy on Christmas; our very own Christmas baby.




My heart has never bled more than the day I delivered my sweet boy, at just 17 weeks, 1 day. He had no chance to survive — in the womb or out. I just sit here and the tears fall out of my eyes as I think about him. I just can’t help but remember seeing his perfectly little formed body and beautiful little face. Holding him in my hands and kissing his forehead. Having to say goodbye to the baby I just met. I was supposed to have a lifetime with him. I was suppose to protect him, nurture him, love him, and keep him safe.

I have honestly been doing a lot better lately, but the holidays are going to be so sad. How could they not be?

I was hoping to give our sweet boy a little brother or sister to watch over this holiday season. I was really hoping and praying to be pregnant by Christmas. I just feel like the only way to be happy during the holidays is to be pregnant with our rainbow baby. (If you’ve never heard of the term “rainbow baby” I explain it’s meaning here.) The moment I lost Johnny I felt like I needed to try to get pregnant again ASAP. I felt like there was supposed to be a baby growing safe and sound inside me. Why is my stomach empty now?!

trying-to-conceive

 

Trying To Get Pregnant After Miscarriage: Advice

As I thought about what advice I wanted to give anyone who is traveling with me through this journey of trying to get pregnant (after miscarriage or for the very first time) I immediately thought, “Who are you to give advice? You haven’t even figured it out yourself!” It’s true I haven’t been successful — yet. But I will be one day, this I know. I am putting it out into the universe. 🙂

[bctt tweet=”Sprinkling LOADS of baby dust on all of you wanna-be mommas and Angel mommies. xoxo” username=”jamienotis”]

I’m not gonna lie, the moment I got my period I dropped everything I was doing, went upstairs, and napped away the sorrow in my heart. To be honest, I shouldn’t have been too surprised because Doug and I moved in with his parents a couple weeks ago so it’s not like we are getting hot and heavy every night. But that’s the thing, I was kind of thinking because we stopped trying so hard that maybe we WOULD be pregnant. But, nope. Ugh. …So, after months of trying with no success here’s my advice to us:

    • Try however you want. Maybe try hard one month and not try so hard another. I think the key here (that I’ve known all along but it’s SO hard to let go of) is that you must ENJOY the JOURNEY. Stressing about when, where, and how to try to get pregnant is not helping you in any area of your life, let alone the ‘trying to get pregnant’ area. And getting all anxious and revved up when you find out you’re not pregnant does no good for you either. I know, easier said than done. But I think it’s also silly to say “stop trying” because God knows that isn’t even an option for us wanna-be mommas and angel mommies. 😛
    • Be healthy. The moment I lost my baby I took a good, long look in the mirror. I’ve been eating the most processed junk, sitting on my butt, and wondering why I feel sluggish and unmotivated. I don’t think the outcome of my pregnancy was from me not being ‘healthy enough’ to carry my sweet baby, but it’s nothing I can rule out, either. That being said, why on earth would I just sit around eating the same crap and twiddling my thumbs watching TV when I could be getting my body as healthy as possible to carry my rainbow baby. I immediately began running and eating healthier foods. My therapist (Highly recommend therapy!) recommended a diet with less gluten, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, and dairy – or none at all if I could hack it. I began trying to cut these items out of my diet. On November 14th I began a new “diet” called TheWhole30. Let me know if you’d like more updates on this.
    • Get therapy. Whether you think you need it or not, therapy is so helpful. And a lot of times when you think you don’t need it—but do it anyways—you realize you TOTALLY needed it. Therapy comes in all different shapes and sizes. For starters, you can get an actual therapist. (It took me a few tries to get the right one, but I found someone who is SO helpful.) I don’t think I can recommend a therapist enough. It is literally life-changing. But if chatting with someone about your life isn’t your cup of tea that doesn’t mean all therapy is out the window for you. Writing, singing, volunteering & giving back, and even blogging is GREAT therapy. Another idea is group therapy. There are Facebook support groups out there as well. As a matter of fact, I think I may begin one if enough people show interest.

    • Optimism is your friend. A friend of mine text me tonight saying she read a book recently called On Fire: The 7 Choices to Ignite a Radically Inspired Life by John O’Leery. She said “He talks about gratitude a lot. He was saying we should wake up and be thankful for things we want but don’t have yet because it’s ‘all in the works.”’ I fell in love with this advice. Again, easier said than done but when it comes down to it—adopting this mindset will only do us all a lot of good.
    • Pregnancy apps. Download one you like and pay attention to when you’re ovulating. This is probably the most obvious piece of advice that doesn’t really need a whole lot of explanation. These apps make it dumb-easy. You literally just search for a pregnancy app, download your favorite one, and fill in when you’ve had your period and it will calculate when you’re ovulating for you. Simple as can be.
    • Fertility Sticks. Ok, I have to be honest, I haven’t actually used these yet. I am going to look into them though. A fran (Fan/friend) recently messaged me on my Facebook page saying that she highly recommends this. She said she used hers and got pregnant 3 times on first tries. Umm, why have I NOT been using these?! Thank you so much for your advice, Christy! 🙂 I researched on Amazon a couple different options for those of you who may want to try this:

My last piece of advice: try to actually use some of this advice – and I am preaching to the choir here because I need to as well!

Do you know of any tips/tricks for conceiving? Please share with all of us wanna-be mommas and Angel mommies!





What does it take to be a good wife? God knows I had some trouble figuring that out. My past threatened my future, but I learned how to stop that from happening. If you’re struggling in the dating world — or if you’re engaged, a newlywed, a long time married veteran, you will feel a lot better about your relationship after reading about mine in my new book, Wifey 101: Everything I Got Wrong After Meeting  Mr. Right!

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32 comments
  1. Dear Jamie,

    From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for being so open, real and raw with your journey. I am currently in the same state of mind. I miscarried in early November and life has just not been the same. I have lost a zest for anything and everything.I just keep thinking of my baby and what it would of looked like and become. I had planned on telling our family and friends of our amazing news the weekend i miscarried and so began my downward spiral. I too thought right away, the only thing that is going to make me feel better is being pregnant again. That day I thought, why me? What did i do wrong? What could i have done differently? While recovering that weekend, i watched a Dr. Phil episode in which the girl was 20 years old, homeless, addicted to crack and prostituting to support her habit and 8 months pregnant. Immediately i thought, how is that possible? I was so angry and then i realized after a long sob bath, who am i to judge? A life is a life. I have heard the comments ” oh at least you know you can get pregnant” ” you are young, you can do it” oh its only your first miscarriage”. I sit and have to bite my lip as to how people i love can make these blatant comments. So hearing you say everything i am feeling and thinking, is so comforting. I am trying hard to be positive and believe that there is a divine reason that my sweet baby did not come to be. That God has a bigger and better plan for me. However, some days i just need to hear that i am not alone in thinking exactly what you have said. Thank you for it all. Wishing you an amazing next pregnancy for your amazing Rainbow Baby <3

  2. Dear Jamie,
    thank you soooo for sharing your story – it makes me feel less lonely as I am going through a very similar experience. My husband and I also suffered a miscarriage early this year and since then we have been trying to conceive again… Last month I tried the ovulation sticks and realised that I am ovulating much earlier than I thought. I’m hoping it will be easier for us now that I know when our chances to get pregnant are the highest.
    By the way, stress is not good for any of us but there is absolutely no evidence that there is such a thing as “trying too hard”. If anything I would have guessed that blaming yourself for not getting pregnant because you’re trying too hard makes you stressed and less likely to get pregnant. We are all different but statistically a woman aged 30 have a 25% chance of getting pregnant if the ovulation day is hit spot on. That means every month there is a 75% risk of not getting pregnant. In average it takes a couple 7 months to get pregnant, and within a year most couples are expecting. So basically my advice would be to keep trying and to be nice to yourself – try to stay positive, but allow yourself to feel sad when you do!
    I’m not sure about you but all I ever hear is about couples that got pregnant immediately. Either my friends are all very lucky, they exaggerate or (this is what I think is true) we tend not to hear about couples that try long because we simply don’t share that kind of information with each other. You are brave to share your story and I am so grateful! Best of luck to you – I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for both of us! 🙂 xoxo

    1. I agree. No one shares how long it takes to get pregnant. We just hear the announcement as it comes. In my family there is no trying. My sister JUST came off her birth control two months ago and she’s already pregnant without even trying. I really always thought that’d be the case with me, but I have come to find out it is very different. Thank you SO much! Sending so much LOVE and HAPPINESS your way! xoxo

  3. Accupuncture helped me to hold onto my youngest child after 2 years of trying includiny 2 miscarriagea. It took under two months of accupuncture. It seemed to help rebalance my body.

  4. Jamie, I am 44, and I have 3 children (all before I was 21), and I’ve been pregnant 2 more times since and miss carried those two times and 1 time before my 1st. Just take it easy and don’t try so hard, when the time is right it will happen. Love and prayers are all around you. I know it’s hard to hear, but believe me. Go out get drunk, and have sex (you both drunk) , and see if it happens that way, then your not thinking about it all the time. My love and prayers are with you both.

  5. Thank you for sharing your story. My husband and I lost our baby boy in April. We went in for our 18 week ultrasound and no heartbeat was found. He was lifeless on the monitor.
    We both still hurt so much. We started trying again in August and fell pregnant right away. We had another miscarriage at 8 weeks. It’s been a very rough 7 months.
    I completely understand the taking 5 pregnancy test. Even after I got pregnant in September I still was taking the pregnancy test bc I was so scared.

    Thank you for sharing your experience and your journey to try again.

  6. Hi Jamie,
    I just want to give you some inspiration!! “You Got This!” I too have had a miscarriage! But, I got back up with the help of God and my hubby! I did a lot of praying and started trying too conceive again! It only took about 6mo. and I was pregnant!! I know exactly the day it was 4th. Of July, I prayed and then that night was just pure making Love, too my Hubby!! No, Stressing if it was going too happen! So.. I in on your journey Jamie!!! You Got This!!! Sending lots of baby love!!! I will be praying!!

  7. Hi I am from trinidad a small island in the Caribbean. I had a miscarriage in 2013 at 10 weeks. The baby did not form to came out on its on. We tried a year after and I was pregnant in 2014 and had a girl 2nd march 2015 and a girl 2016 March 14th. So god knows best. He will give u babies when the time is right.

  8. Reading up on one of my all-time favorite girls, Jamie.
    So sorry to hear of your monthly friend. Yet very pleased to read all of your knowledge of conception.
    Keep on loving on your hubby and get busy with some holiday traditions. We are looking forward to seeing you soon. XOXO

  9. Hey Jamie!

    Your advice is NOT going on deaf ears! My husband and I are struggling with infertility and after reading your blog I have been reaching out to therapists this afternoon to help me through this time! Thank you so much for the nudge!

  10. Desires do not always occur as others manifest. The soul of each person is unique and indivisible; You can love others a lot but for your body and mind to be balanced, you have to be well with yourself and life and days pass with absolute naturalness. Forget the tests and let your body tell you what you want to hear; Convince yourself, the answer lies within you:
    Your body needs to have its own biorhythms!
    When he decides he will hear the beautiful surprise; And I believe, will be similar to two cases of people close to me. Greetings.

  11. I definitely recommend the ovulation tests. Don’t waste money on the monitor. Get the sticks. They are so easy and let you know the prime days to have sex. I got pregnant easily without them, but sadly lost that baby. I used them again and conceived quickly. You still only have a 25% chance each month with perfect timing. You have been pregnant once your body will do it again when it’s ready. I hope for the best for you!

  12. I have no advice but I do know lots of couples who all but gave up trying and instead settled into simply being together and enjoying each other and let whatever-will-be-will-be and lo and behold they ended up pregnant. I also know of couples who had given up and pursued adoption or foster care and then ended up pregnant. So it seems like there really is something to be said for not trying so hard. It’s so hard when our hearts long for something so badly though. I can imagine how much your heart must ache. Enjoy your husband and your marriage for now though. Keep growing your relationship stronger and stronger and loving your husband with all you’ve got because that’s the foundation of the family you’ll have some day (whoops, I said I didn’t have any advice. I guess I did ;-))

  13. First, let me say I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve followed your story with Doug since Day 1 and I’ve always been rooting for you two. I can’t say I know how you feel because I’ve never miscarried. Unfortunately, I’ve seen several friends mourn the loss of a child, so I can only imagine. I can, however, empathize on your inability to become pregnant again. My husband and I have been trying for 17 cycles. I’m finally to the point where I don’t burst into tears every time my period show up, but it still hurts. My sister gave birth last week (she and her husband got pregnant after 2 months with the “not trying but not preventing” method. I had already been trying for 6 months when she told me she was pregnant- that was difficult.) Witnessing her pregnancy & birth was the most joyous and painful time of my life. Thank you for sharing your struggles. Too many of us hide our infertility as if it’s something shameful. I’m praying for you and Doug, I hop you remember me in your thoughts as well. #babydust

    1. Thank you so much, Emily. We appreciate all your thoughts and prayers! …I will be praying for you and thinking of you also! And I hear ya on the becoming an aunt and being SO happy about that but LONGING for your own baby to rock each night. I feel your pain there. Sending lots of baby dust your way! xoxo

  14. i absolutely loved your book,,,read it in 2 sittings,,,hard to put it down. Meanwhile, i have heard from a lot of people that once they gave up trying to get pregnant, and decided to adopt, guess what? Yep! Got pregnant…!

  15. I love how you are always so raw and honest. I miscarried two days after Thanksgiving in 2009. So incredibly hard! We had our rainbow baby in November of 2010. It was such a full circle moment. You already know this, but the grief after going through miscarriage is so different for everybody. I, like you needed to try again as soon as possible and the dr gave his okay. It’s what helped me get through each day following the loss of our little one. Even just the hope it could happen was something that was helpful for me:). For me personally the ovulation sticks were my best friend:). My first two pregnancies I didn’t use them it took 4-5 months to get pregnant and the last two I did use them and I pregnant the first month of trying. Come to find out I ovulated way late! Not saying it would have been like that the first two times, but it did seem to help once I tried them. Good things are heading you and Doug’s way! Just always keep the faith

    1. SO HELPFUL to read this !!! BIG THANKS STEPHANIE! I was contemplating using the sticks but you just sold me on the idea. I use the app (I use two actually, lol) Who knows, maybe I am ovulating late also because it’s taking me FOREVER and a day to get preggers. lol I feel like reading this just gave me HOPE! So thanks again!!! xoxo

  16. Hi! After 7 months of trying we are now pregnant with our second child. For me I found a combination that worked (I was having short cycles, breastfeeding may have been having an impact). I used vitex, maca root pills for both him and I, omega 3,6,9 for both of us, red raspberry leaf pill, prenatal, and baby aspirin. He took a multivitamin. We used preseed and a diva cup every other time we got busy. We stuck with the sperm meets egg plan. I worked out normally before and did fertility massage before ovulation. After ovulation I took walks every day. We used opks (wondfo) to track ovulation. Hope it works soon for you!

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