Ya know when you know you have to do something, but you just can’t find the energy or the stamina. That’s me today.
I usually enjoy writing my Married At First Sight recaps every Tuesday morning in anticipation of the new episode, but today I really just can’t find the interest. It’s not because I don’t LOVE Married At First Sight (because y’all know I definitely do), it’s just been a tough day for me. I wouldn’t usually talk about my personal life in my Married At First Sight blog, but I suppose that’s exactly what I am doing since I feel like I’ve let ya’ll down by not posting this blog by noon like I always do.
Two Months Today
Today marks 2 months since my sweet angel baby left me. I woke up to a message from my friend who works in PR saying that my Women’s Day interview is live. I talked to Women’s Day about the stigma associated with anything related to miscarriage. It’s such a taboo topic to talk about – yet, us Mommas to these Angel babies feel the pain so deeply and so permanently and some of us need to talk about our babies in heaven.
Johnathan was my dream. All I’ve ever wanted was to be a mommy and have a big, happy family. It’s funny because just when I begin to think I am feeling better and “moving on” from the pain and agony that has pitched a tent in my heart after losing him, days like today come out of nowhere.
I am literally typing this blog at 6 pm while sitting at my dining room table (which I’ve turned into my desk) in my pajamas from last night and my hair in a wad at the top of my head. I haven’t brushed my teeth or washed my face. My dog is at my feet begging me to throw her toys and I just sit here in a slump. The past few days I haven’t been able to crawl out of bed earlier than noon/1 o’clock. I feel so LAZY and like such a ZOMBIE, but I just have no desire or ambition.
Angel Baby
Sometimes I think about if I could have one moment with Johnathan again, what would I say to him? If I could say anything to my sweet boy, it’d be that I LOVE HIM SO MUCH and I will never forget him. I won’t let our family forget him either. Just because no one was able to get to know him the way I did, doesn’t mean he didn’t exist.
It just brings tears to my eyes that he was never given a chance to laugh and giggle and snuggle and be hugged and kissed and loved. Did he feel loved at all? How can I know that he is happy in heaven? I wish there was some sort of sign. I can’t wait to one day see him again.
At this point I feel like I am just ranting away… I’ll stop now but, thanks for listening. I feel such support and love from those of you who read my blogs and reach out to me and share your stories. I can’t always respond to everyone, but I do read EVERYTHING and you don’t know how much support and love I feel from you all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Married At First Sight: Recap
I suppose I should get to the topic of this blog now. First of all, thank you for being patient with me today. I am so sorry I didn’t get this up by noon like I usually do. But, better late than never, right?
Heather Seidel and Derek Schwartz
Honeymoon is o.v.e.r and I’m not sure it ever really began for these two. …Tonight Heather and Derek decide if they want to stay married or get a divorce. This is interesting considering this is the first couple in the history of Married At First Sight to decide whether or not to stick out their marriage this early in. Based on their friend’s advice from last episode, they’re definitely going to stick it out. Based on Heather being “so mad” she can barely think straight, there may be a decision to end things before they ever really began. Derek seems to be going with the flow — he has said that regardless of their lack of love (huge understatement here) he is still willing to stay married. The fate of their marriage will ultimately be up to Heather.
Lilly Vilchez And Tom Wilson
Speaking of wanting a family, Miss Lilly seems to be just like me as far as her desire to become a mommy. Her new hubby — Tom — not so much. When Lilly realizes this she obviously isn’t enthused. She said if he doesn’t want to have a family then all bets are off because that is a deal breaker for her. Tom’s response:”Is she willing to throw everything else away because of that one aspect that I’m unsure about?”
I’ll answer for Lilly — Y E S ! ! !
Having a family of your own is not just a little tiny aspect in a relationship; choosing to have kids and then having them will become your relationship. Both partners need to be 100% on board. If Lilly’s desire to become a mommy is as strong as mine, my best advice to Tom is to get on board or it’s back to the bachelor bus life!
The fact that Tom is actually good with children (which he proved while babysitting) helped ease Lilly’s worry, but my advice to Lilly is to make sure this man is excited and truly desires to have a family one day, because you don’t want to be a few years into marriage and realize your hubby doesn’t have the same life goals as you. …Just sayin’.
Nick Pendergrast and Sonia Granados
These two are definitely adorable, but definitely super awkward and weird, too. I love watching the unfolding of their relationship because it seems so realistic to me. Like, this is the way a normal couple who just began seeing each other would be if they were stuck together for a few weeks…it just so happens these two are married.
That being said, Nick, puhleeassee tell Sonia something — anything — that will let this woman know you are into her and your guys’ relationship as much as she is into you. I feel her pain.
It isn’t completely irrational that Sonia is worried Nick isn’t into her. He rarely (if ever) compliments her without prodding and he doesn’t ever go out of his way to become intimate with her. I get that he is shy and he admits he doesn’t communicate well, but give a dog a bone! (No, that definitely isn’t the right phrase…I did NOT just refer to Sonia as a dog! …Ahh, you get my drift, right?!)
Meanwhile, during their intimacy exercise from Dr. Pepper, Nick is encouraged to touch Sonia. He immediately states “I am not going to touch her boob.” …HUH? That came from left field. No one said he had to touch her intimately. Poor Sonia, she must be so confused and I really do see why she is hurt. At the same time, it seems like Nick feels he is being forced to like her before he is ready and he just keeps pushing back on that notion. I feel like if they both took a moment to stop analyzing everything they’d be A-OK because they have so much in common and they have so much fun together when all is going well!
Do you think Heather will choose marriage or divorce? Do you think Nick should step up or Sonia should back off? Let me know in the comments.
Did you catch the behind-the-scenes secrets the couples shared with me on last week’s Unfiltered? If not, check it out:
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Jamie Otis
19 comments
Sweet girl, (forgive me, I know you’re a grown, capable woman, but hearing your pain made my maternal side come out!) you take any time you need to continue to grieve. You’ve lost your child. There will be days that feel almost normal, and then days return when you feel like you’re drowning and you just can’t get above water. On September 11, while the country mourned another anniversary of the tragic terrorist attack, I mourned the 5-year mark of the loss of my best friend to breast cancer. Amazingly, her parents were sanguine that day. Her daughter was full of her usual joy. Life will go on, but it takes time, and that amount of time is different for everyone.
You are doing the best thing imaginable by sharing that grief, even on a computer. Sometimes strangers can give the support our loved ones can’t, because our loved ones are grieving too. God bless you.
Lisa, thank you so much for your heartfelt comment. I really appreciate it. You’re very right – “sometimes strangers can give the support our loved ones can’t because they’re grieving too.” Thank you for sharing. xoxox
Thanks for sharing your feelings. I am from Germany and when my friend and I watched the show we were excited, if you and Doug are still together. So we found the other shows on the internet. We are happy for you 2. You are such a great couple. I felt so sorry for you, when I heard about your loss. I had a miscarriage in October 2012, when I was 7 weeks pregnant. It was hard, but renovating our house helped a lot. Tearing down wallpapers, floors etc. On the day we moved, I thought, let’s try again and bam 2 weeks later the pregnancy test was positive. Now my little one is 3 years old. I wish you all the best!
PS: Hope my english isn’t too bad. Too long ago since I wrote in English
Your english is great! Thank you so much. I can’t wait to get another positive pregnancy test. I think I will squeal with joy! 🙂
I am so sorry you have to feel this pain. I heard on the radio that aspirin, actually helps emotional pain, so you might want to try it for the really hard days. I don’t wish the pain would go away, because then there would be numbness. I think it’s just a process. Some day, the grieving will lessen a bit, and then some day you will have little ones to tell about their big brother. I know that for me, sometimes, I get dreams from those loved ones that have died. I think this is their visiting us. I had a very early miscarriage, and the little one came as a talking boy, and told me that I would have a son. I do now. So Jonathan, may try to bring you comfort anyway he can. He may try to show you the beauty of this world, and help you heal your heart. . I am not sure, it may just be my unconscious trying to bring me comfort. I know that you will be a wonderful, warm and caring mother. One other thought, I don’t know if there is good post trauma message in your area, but that may help. You have had a terrible trauma, and I am sad for you, but glad you are opening your heart to the pain, as you break open your heart to the joy and love.
That’s so interesting about the aspirin. I actually think I may try it! …I would LOVE if Johnathan visited me in my dreams. Sometimes when I’m running I see the same group of baby bunnies and it makes me think of him … and it makes me smile. I don’t know why because they’re just bunnies, but yeah. 🙂 It’s crazy how much I love this little boy who never even had a chance to grow up. He’ll always be my baby – my angel. 🙂
First of all, I have been following your and Doug’s story since the beginning. I loved you guys on MAFS. Secondly, I am so so sorry about the loss of your angel baby. I lost my son, Prestin on June 3rd at 39 weeks pregnant. I went into labor and all of a sudden his heart rate dropped and they rushed me back for an emergency c section, I woke up 3 hours later to find out my baby boy didn’t make it. When I saw your instagram post about you being pregnant, I was so excited for you guys and then when I saw the post about your baby passing, I was heart broken. This is a life long journey us loss mom’s are on and unfortunately only loss moms will understand. I’m glad you are talking about your son and your loss miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss is something that happens and yet people don’t talk about it. Our babies exsisted, our babies mattered. I will be thinking about you and your sweet Johnathan <3
I don’t know if I could survive a loss at 39 weeks. My heart aches for you! ..thank you for sharing your story. I find it comforting to know there are woman who understand all of my whacky emotions lately. …I will be thinking of you and praying for you. I am so, so sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much for sharing your loss. I honestly never watched your show or knew about you until the woman’s day article popped up on my fb feed. We lost our son Emmett at 18.5 weeks due to fetal hydrops and a chromosome issue and made the hard decision to terminate the pregnancy.
It was our first pregnancy after eight years of marriage and a lot of life in between. I found out the news that I was pregnant on my 35th bday in January. We had only told a few people and suddenly he was gone at the end of April this year. I should be due any day now but you’d never know I was ever pregnant. I’m way below my pre-pregnant weight. What I wouldn’t give to be big and uncomfortable right now.
I’ve recently started blogging my grief journey at missingemmett.wordpress.com in hopes to end the stigma of not talking about pregnancy loss and baby loss as well as share our story for others since it’s such an isolating experience. We need to grieve for our babies. Thank you again so so much for your strength and courage to share your story. I know the struggle it is and I blame myself still daily for the decision but deep down know it was the best one I could’ve made in my short time as a mother.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I would be ending my 2cd trimester. I agree with you, I’d love to be big and uncomfortable … :-/ I will definitely look into you blog. Thank you for sharing your story and helping to end the stigma associated with miscarriage. And you’re right, you made the best decision for Emmet … xoxo
It’s totally okay to feel zapped and depressed after a loss. I’ve been there. I just finished reading your book and connected with your story on so many levels. You are a brave lady and so inspirational. Proverbs 13:12 and Mark 11:23 have helped me get through many trying times, and I hope they will bring comfort to you too. Hang in there lady!
I am so glad you read my book and liked it. Thank you for your love and support – it means more than you’ll ever know. xoxo
First of all I am a huge fan of married at first sight and especially you and Doug. I am from South Africa and me and my husband followed your story. So when I found out you were expecting I was so happy for you guys, then I also found out that I was expecting. Then I read that you had a miscarriage and it was so sad for me because it was one of my fears since I was a little girl that saw women go through it in my town. Then I also lost my baby. I was in week 12 when I started bleeding, the 27Aug I knew everything was over, it was weird how I just knew… And on the 31Aug I had a D&C, I think that is what it is called in English. So as you know that ache in your heart and desperately wanting your baby to still be here and being pregnant. My GO said to wait 3 months before trying again. There isn’t a minute that goes by where I don’t think about my baby and I am reading posts none stop about how long I should wait until trying again. I read that you were waiting until the doctor gives you the go ahead and was angering what is your opinion on how long you should wait?
I am so, so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. To answer your question: I asked my doctor and she said we could start trying immediately…But, I had an abnormal pap so I have to wait to be sure that is 100% clear. Good luck to you my dear. Thinking of you and your family all the way in South Africa. xoxo
I’m certain if Heather chooses to stay she be sorry. I see so much jealousy and control behind his eyes and words. He always says what people want to hear but then his actions show nothing but jealousy and smothering and control. I hope she finds happiness somewhere.
Nick and Sonia are adorable I think she should back off a little you can’t force it for him. You of all people should know this. Doug was patient and kind and Sonia needs to be too. If she is all her dreams will come true. Bless you Jamie and your little angel baby.
Yes! Thanks for thinking of my sweet angel baby. 🙂
Sonia, walk away. Now. You deserve better. He deserves his pooch slobber than any of your affection.
JMO
Jamie, I’m so sorry for this new wave of grief that has hit you. There really are no words to soothe the pain. Your heart is breaking and that’s ok. You lost your son, you lost a dream, you lost some hope… your grief makes absolute sense. It will take time and that’s ok too. You are so strong and so brave, even in your grief. Though you heart will forever miss Johnathan, there will come a day when the pain eases. Just be where you are now and know you’re going through normal stages. Draw close to your husband and take comfort in his love and patience and understanding and know that you’re not walking this road alone, though it looks different for each of you..
On a side note, I’m so bummed for Derek and Heather. There are so many things that could be said, most of which is now a moot point now. Nick and Sonia are adorably awkward and still my favorite. I really hope they make it.
Hi Ann, I completely agree about Derek and Heather – and Nick and Sonia. 🙂 …and thank you so much for our kind, encouraging message. The past two days have been tough but I am hoping tomorrow is better. 🙂 xoxo