A Pregnancy Journey Of Loss, Suffering, Hope, and Rainbows
I’m sitting here cross legged on my couch. I just got our beautiful maternity photos from our photographer, Limelight Photography. The pups are curled up next to me and the fan is blowing cool air on my face. My hubby is baking some cookies so our house smells so yummy. Best of all, our baby is kicking and moving happily all over inside me.
We have made it! We are 9 months pregnant and our baby girl is fully developed inside me so if she were to come tomorrow, she’d be healthy as can be. …I just closed my eyes, smiled, and let go of the breath I’ve been holding since the moment I found out we were pregnant with our rainbow baby. I am so THANKFUL for this moment right here.
As I look through these photos I am reminded of everything we went through to get to this very moment.
Married At First Sight: Where It All Began
Anyone who has followed my hubby’s and my story knows it hasn’t always been easy for us. (But who has it always been easy for?!) When we were Married At First Sight it wasn’t “love at first sight.” After we began falling in love we had to overcome a lot of obstacles – just like any other “normal” couple. Undoubtedly, the most difficult obstacle we ever went through is something I don’t wish on my worst enemy – the loss of our first baby.
Johnathan Edward Hehner, Our Angel Baby
When Doug and I were pregnant with our first baby, Johnathan, I had BIG plans! I wanted to blog throughout my whole pregnancy. I was going to document every single moment so I didn’t forget one single second of him growing inside me.
I have wanted to be a mommy as long as I can remember. If you were to ask me what I wanted to be when I was little, it would have been “a mommy!” …and a teacher or singer. Haha.
Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss
With our first pregnancy we did the socially acceptable “wait until you’re out of your first trimester to announce you’re pregnant.” We were actually four months pregnant when we went on Kathy Lee and Hoda’s Today Show to share the best news of our lives: we were pregnant!
About a week after we revealed to the world that we were pregnant, we lost our son. To say I went into a miserable depression is an understatement. I felt hopeless and lost; scared and alone.
I remember immediately after I delivered Johnny I just wanted to hold him and stare at him forever. I didn’t want to let go. I couldn’t believe how precious and seemingly fully developed he was. I remember saying in awe to my hubby, “Wow, we made him!” He was so perfect with all ten fingers and ten toes. He was so itty bitty that he fit right into the palm of my hand.
When the nurses tried to take him from me I asked if I could have just a little more time with him. I just couldn’t let go so fast. I tried kissing his forehead, but his skin was so delicate that it stuck to my lips. I began crying thinking I hurt him. I wanted to hold him close to me on my chest and rock him, but he was so fragile that I was scared I’d squeeze too tight and hurt his already bruised little body.
My poor baby lay helpless in my hands. There was nothing as a mommy that I could do to protect him and nurture him. I’ve never felt such emptiness. A deep, dark hole formed in my heart.
Before I let the nurses take him, I promised my baby boy that I would never forget him and that I’d make sure no one else would either. He may have only lived a short 17 weeks, 1 day in my belly, but his life was precious. I’d spend my life loving him and honoring his short life.
As I gave the nurses my baby boy I cried from the depths of my soul. I could only hope that my baby boy knew how loved and special he will always be to his mommy and daddy. He’s our first born son and he will never be forgotten.
Feelings of Hope
I’m not going to lie, I never really had any “hopeful” feelings after we lost our son. I wasn’t very optimistic. I didn’t want to hear “God had a plan, that’s why he took him.” or “Everything happens for a reason.” As a matter of fact, I hated hearing those “comforting” words. I knew that everyone was just trying to be loving, but nothing anyone said helped heal the pain.
I felt like the only thing to fill the void in my heart and soul was to be pregnant again. I felt like I needed to be pregnant. It felt so wrong to no longer be pregnant, but not have my baby to hold either.
My hubby and I found out we were pregnant with our rainbow baby on December 20th, 2016. That was Johnathan’s due date. I have no words for this amazing “coincidence.” I’m not usually superstitious or overly spiritual, but I truly believe our rainbow baby was a gift sent down from heaven from her big brother, Johnny.
I am due August 24th, 2017 with a baby girl. I didn’t blog about my pregnancy or anything super important during this pregnancy. I guess I was too scared and I just wanted to take it day by day and try to do everything in my power to keep her safe and nurtured within me. I also didn’t want any judgement for any of the feelings I was having. But, now that we are 37 weeks pregnant and she could be born tomorrow healthy and viable, I feel like I can finally relax and begin sharing more about this sweet girl who is rolling around safe and sound in my belly!
Just like we promised our baby boy, we haven’t forgotten him. Not for one second. We love him immensely and made sure to have a piece of him present with us during our maternity shoot.
I am so happy to share these beautiful photos and I just quickly want to thank for beautifully capturing our pregnancy journey. I’ll be posting another blog soon with more of these stunning photos – as long as our sweet girl doesn’t decide to come early. 🙂
Until the next blog, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite photos from our maternity shoot:
P.S. We revealed our rainbow baby’s name on Facebook LIVE – if you want to watch I put the video down below for ya. 🙂
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