It’s been less than a week since we have suffered from this terrible miscarriage. Last night my husband and I were making dinner and I just lost it. To think that a week ago there was a little baby curled up inside me warm and comfy, safe from the world. He could hear me talking to him and my heart beating next to his. I would rub my belly and smile knowing he was growing inside me. But now he is gone. I just can’t wrap my brain around it.
I was 17 weeks and one day pregnant when our pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Everyone says once you reach your second trimester you won’t miscarry. I read statistics online that said there’s only a 3% chance of miscarrying in your second trimester. No one ever thinks they will be part of that small 3%, but here we are.
Trying To Stay Positive
Doug, my husband, and I have been beyond blessed with an outpouring of support and love on social media. So many people have been sharing their personal stories, sending their best and praying for us. It really is so heartwarming – from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thanks for taking the time out of your day and sharing with us the different ways you’ve kept your baby with you, honored his/her life, and learned to cope with their loss. It is so helpful for us. We haven’t been able to reply to all of your comments, but we have been reading them all. Thank you so much.
I’m trying to listen and “move on a bit” but I just can’t quite figure out how to continue with every-day life. I just have no motivation to do anything. Yesterday I slept until 1 pm in the afternoon. When I woke up I didn’t want to get out of bed, but I took my pups for a long walk thinking that may help. I cried off and on. (My neighbors must think I’m crazy – I can hear ’em now ‘There goes that girl. Walking her dogs and crying.’) I told myself all the things that I’ve been hearing: “He’s in heaven safe and sound. God needed him and has bigger plans for him. Give it time and you will feel better. It wasn’t meant to be with this baby and you will understand later. He was sick and he would have had a very poor quality of life…etc.” I just came home and fell on the couch in a big ball with silent tears streaming down my face.
Doug has been so good to me with all of this. He’s remained very strong while I’ve felt so weak. I’ve felt very lonely lately. I don’t know why because I have seen family and friends, but I just feel so alone. When Doug got home yesterday I was just a mess. (He seems to be able to continue with normal activities – he had a softball game in the morning. It’s so true when they say everyone copes differently.) I told him I was trying my best to be strong and remain positive but I just don’t even know how. He just wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.
A few people who’ve reached out to us who’ve had a miscarriage said that naming their baby helped them cope. The moment we found out we were pregnant we started talking baby names… actually, before we were even pregnant we were thinking baby names – the last chapter of my book, Wifey 101, I talk about the name we want to give our first daughter. We’ve had this name picked out since day 2 of marriage, though we didn’t know it’d have such significance then. We got very serious about choosing a name the first time we saw our little baby’s heartbeat. We love the name Henley. (This has such a special meaning for us. Like I said, I wrote about why we would want to name our little girl “Henley” in my book, Wifey 101. If God blesses us with a little girl we would really like to name her this.) We also like the names Levi, Jackson, Kayleigh, Bradley, Grace, Bentley, Emily, Emma, and a few more. (Clearly, we are so indecisive!) Even though we’ve been thinking about a name for our baby Hehner for so long, somehow all the names we were thinking before just didn’t fit.
Johnathan Edward Hehner
We wanted to name our baby the perfect name. A name that is full of meaning, warmth, and love. He deserves a beautiful name to be remembered by. I began searching online for different little boy names and their meaning. When I read that Johnathan means “gift from God” I silently sobbed and rubbed my belly. (I don’t know why I do this when he isn’t in there anymore, but somehow I still feel connected to him in that way.)
We decided to name our baby boy Johnathan because he is truly a gift from God. We love him so much and cannot wait to one day be reunited with this little one. Doug’s middle name is Edward after his grandpa. Doug wanted to give him his middle name. Our firstborn will share daddy’s middle name. I think this is so beautiful and meaningful. I hope this little boy knows how much his mommy and daddy love him. Just because we had a miscarriage and lost him before we were even able to rock him and bounce him doesn’t take away the immense amount of love we have for him. We will never forget our little Johnathan Edward.