Losing our Baby

Jamie Otis with Baby Hehner

I always got SO excited for my doctor visits. I fell in love with our Baby Hehner.

My heart is so heavy. There are no words to express the pain and sorrow associated with losing our baby Hehner.

We had planned a gender reveal party for our little one at the end of July. I was on Facebook making the “event” when we walked into a high risk doctor’s office. I had been bleeding for a few weeks prior, but every time we checked the baby (which was becoming twice a week by now) the little one was kicking, moving, and the heartbeat was going strong. The doctors said nothing seemed wrong with the placenta either. I read on several blogs that some women just bleed during their pregnancies. This allowed me to relax and continue to be optimistic.

By the time we went in to see the first high risk doctor (we saw four doctors – from four different practices – total before we lost our baby) my bleeding had altogether stopped. That being said, Doug, my husband, and I were very optimistic going into this doctor’s appointment. Like I said, I was literally on Facebook planning our gender reveal party…Until the doctor flat out said “The prognosis is very poor and there is nothing you can do to help it. You have very little amniotic fluid for the baby.” I’m a nurse so I know how important amniotic fluid is for growth and development, but I just couldn’t believe my ears.

One of our last photos of our baby Hehner.

One of our last photos of our baby Hehner.

How could the prognosis be so “poor” when I had just seen our baby’s feet kicking and his little body bouncing around in my belly less than a week before. Needless to say, we didn’t want to believe in that prognosis even though everyone raved about how amazing this doctor is. (And there’s no doubt in my mind he is an amazing doctor, but we were just in such denial!) We decided I would go on bed rest, drink lots of coconut water and even more regular spring water and fight for our baby – I read on blogs that this could potentially help.

There is so much more that happens after this first initial appointment, but I’ll have to save that for another blog. To me writing is therapy. Hearing feedback from others who have experienced this incredible loss is therapy. Talking about my baby who I fell in love with the minute I knew his little heart was beating inside me is therapy. I wish I could hold him and love on him. His little feet and hands were so precious. He was beyond adorable, even at 17 weeks.

I love you Baby Hehner!

I love you Baby Hehner!

Please pray for Doug, me, and our family. More importantly, pray for our little baby Hehner. I know he is up in heaven and I am sure he is bouncing on clouds, but selfishly I wish he was still bouncing in my belly. I’ll never get to see this Angel again on earth. He was given to us so graciously by God, and then God took him away way too early. My heart hurts so bad. Losing our baby has been the most terrible experience. I wish no one would ever have to endure this.





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LEAVE A COMMENT

  1. Dawn 10 months ago Reply

    Jamie, There already is a secret FB group for those of us who have been in your situation, currently with nearly 700 members. Please feel free to email me for a link to the application. It is private, nobody will know you are a member but us, and none of your posts there will ever be seen or shared outside the group without your permission. We would love to have you join us and all of us are willing and able to support you through any stage of your loss.

  2. Jennifer 1 year ago Reply

    Hi Jamie.. sorry for late response. Yes! A Facebook page would be so great and helpful to us mothers who feel alone! Btw, congratulations on your rainbow baby.. I am happy for you and Doug! 🙂

  3. Karie Helmuth 1 year ago Reply

    Hey Jamie, just reading up on the blogs and wish I could have hugged You while going through this. I was wondering. If the docs ever gave you a reason or an sanswer to what happened to Baby Hehner. Thank you for sharing your story. Its an inspiration. To many.

  4. Karie Helmuth 1 year ago Reply

    YOUR REVIEW

  5. Kim 2 years ago Reply

    Jamie, I found your blog just to tell you how incredibly happy I am for you on your pregnancy. I will be praying for all things good for you and your family. I also lost a little boy when I was 32 weeks pregnant. We knew early on that he had a chromosome disorder “not compatible with life” and losing him was the worst pain imaginable. No other baby could or will ever replace him in my heart but 13 months later I gave birth to a beautiful and healthy little girl. My entire pregnancy with her was scary because I knew what I stood to lose but I got some great advice early on to allow myself to feel excited for this baby and in turn to allow her to feel my love for her from early on, rather than my anxiety. I’m so glad to see you are already doing this!!! This precious gift you have been given is so lucky to have you and Doug as parents. You’re already such a good mommy. Good luck with everything and God bless.

    And if you start a Facebook page I think you might help a lot of parents who are hurting too.

    • Jamie Otis 2 years ago Reply

      I will definitely look into it. Thank you so much! xoxo

  6. Jennifer 2 years ago Reply

    I too am part of the club… and know how devastating it is to go through something like this. It’s something words can’t explain. I had been trying for YEARS to get pregnant… when finally out of nowhere BAM, I’m pregnant. I was so excited for my baby boy…. made so many plans. I announced my pregnancy to all my friends and family. Everyone was excited for the arrival of our baby boy. My parents planned a beautiful baby shower for me. I got so many beautiful gifts. I payed for new laminate for my baby’s room, my boyfriend painted the walls, we set up our crib, our play pen, our rocking chair….. EVERYTHING.! Then one day, at 35 weeks pregnant….. my son stops breathing. It was the most devastating day of my life!!!…. I was induced into labor. I planned a funeral for my baby boy and til this day it hurts the same as it did the day it happened…… talking about it hurts but it also hurts that sometimes I feel alone and have no one to talk to about this….. 🙁

    • Jamie Otis 2 years ago Reply

      I once thought of starting a Facebook page that would be closed just for moms like us. To have a place to go to talk about their baby without feeling like they will be judged or misunderstood. Let me know if you think this will be helpful because I’d love to do start it. sending you loads of love. So sorry for your loss. xoxo

  7. Jennifer 2 years ago Reply

    Hi Jamie, it wasn’t until yesterday that I found out what happened to you and Doug. I am so sorry to know you went through this….

  8. Angelique 2 years ago Reply

    Hi, I am just reading this, I know it might be too late, but I wanted to give you all my love. I have a big heart for mothers who lost a baby. I just don’t know what to do about it but to share my story. Your baby is loved.
    Angelique.
    https://angeliquevaccaroblog.wordpress.com/2017/01/06/all-the-babies-in-my-heart/

  9. Jennifer 2 years ago Reply

    I’m very shocked by what Melody wrote to you. I’m so sorry that you had to read that. You and Doug had to make an extremely difficult decision and you should never feel any guilt knowing that you did what you and the doctors thought was best.

    I read today that you and Doug are expecting, which led me to this blogpost. Congrats!! So happy for you both.

  10. Heather Kernan 2 years ago Reply

    Jamie and Doug, I was so sorry to hear of this news. I followed Jamie on Bachelor and Bachelor Pad and then both of you on Married at First Sight and The First Year. I loved watching your journey and even took some of the advise the professionals were providing for dealing with some of your issues as good points for my husband and I 🙂 I was hoping that your story would continue in a reality series, but I hadn’t seen anything further. I don’t subscribe to your blog, so I had no idea you were even expecting.

    I too had a miscarriage and although it was a lot earlier than you, at 10 weeks, it is still a heart wrenching experience. I was blessed enough to get pregnant again 6 months later and now our little girl is 14 months old. It really is a shame that miscarriage seems such a taboo topic. I only discussed it with 2 of my closest girl friends, my parents and my sister. My heart goes out to you, Doug and your little Johnathan. I’m sure he is looking down on you and will be your guardian angel to help bring another little life into your world, your rainbow baby :). God bless all of you.

    • Jamie Otis 2 years ago Reply

      Thank you so much for reaching out to us, Heather. It really is a shame that miscarriage is a taboo topic. Thank you! xoxo

  11. Sarah 2 years ago Reply

    I stumbled upon this article today and just wanted to say that I am thinking of and praying for your family. We lost our baby girl on November 19, 2014 at 19 weeks. Our stories are very similar, I too am a nurse, so when my water broke at 19 weeks I feared for the worst. We were asked to terminate at that point, but we waited and prayed that the fluid would fill back up. I began to show signs of sepsis, and our little girls status declined. It was the most incredible feeling of loss I have ever experienced, and to this day my one regret was not being able to see her or hold her tiny, perfect body. I will tell you this… We are 23 weeks along now with our baby boy now, and although this will never replace our loss, we are incredibly blessed to know that she sent her baby brother to comfort us. I wish you the best and hope that you, too, may experience the peace of knowing you are not alone.

    • Jamie Otis 2 years ago Reply

      …We have VERY similar stories. 🙁 I am so happy you have your rainbow baby and your pregnancy sounds like it’s going smoothly. God bless you and your little family! 🙂 xoxo

  12. Carrie 2 years ago Reply

    Melody – This is no place for judgment, on the blog of a grieving mother.

  13. Angela Magny 2 years ago Reply

    I too am part of that secret club. Mid July after announcing it to all our friends, we found out our little girl had a portion of her brain missing along with swelling, indicating severe brain abnormalities. After 2nd and 3rd opinions an amino and a MRI the prognosis was devastating. At 23 weeks and 6 days we said goodbye. My 5 year old daughter called her Pixie and we talk about her often. Some days are better than others but we did what we did out of love. Don’t let anyone make you question your decision. You made the best choice for your baby and your family. Good luck xx

    • Jamie Otis 2 years ago Reply

      Thank you so much for this. I really appreciate it. I hope Johnathan and Pixie are playing together in heaven. xoxo

  14. Melody 2 years ago Reply

    I read the article about you on Woman’s Day. You may have been misquoted, but you said that you ad the option to not terminate to see how it went,, but you worried that the baby would reach 24 weeks, be kept alive, and have no quality of life. You had read a blog about a woman who had a baby w/ poor prognosis, who had a wheelchair and tube fed. …My daughter uses a wheelchair, and is tube fed. She’s also mentally retarded. I am sad that you missed out on seeing the quality of life that a person like this might have. Our daughter is a sparkly girl, a total joy. She is very happy, one of God’s angels on earth. She’s the best thing that has happened to her father and I. It takes us forever to go anywhere, because everyone wants to stop and talk to her. She is just pure happiness. I don’t even know who you are (we don’t watch TV) but wanted to tell you this. Please feel free to delete.

    • Jamie Otis 2 years ago Reply

      Melody, I am so, so sorry if my post upset you. I am happy your little girl is great. I feared the worst for my son …and I was advised by FOUR doctors that the worst would happen for him should I continue on. I decided to trust the doctors and follow their advice. I hope you know that your comment is a bit hurtful to me because you make it seem like I made the wrong decision and my son would be just fine. ….I have enough guilt and sadness already, so please don’t put these thoughts out in the universe. I did what I thought was best for Johnathan based on the advice I was receiving. God bless you and your family.

  15. Vicky 2 years ago Reply

    Jamie. , So sorry to hear about the baby. I watched your season of married and know what you went through to be married and how much you want a baby. God will allow it to happen. Just keep loving on Doug and let him love you. There will be little Bennet’s have faith. My prayers for you and Doug.

  16. SARAH 2 years ago Reply

    Dear Jamie..Sending you & Doug condolences on the loss of your son. May your next pregnancy be perfect and you get a beautiful baby. Sending you love & best wishes. Take care. Sincerely Sarah….

  17. Tammi 2 years ago Reply

    Hi Jamie –

    I just want to say I am SO sorry for your loss.
    I know you have probably been overwhelmed with responses, but I too am part of that ‘club nobody wants to belong to.’ One thing I found that helped me cope was knowing I wasn’t alone.
    My husband & I lost our son at 17 weeks in November 2012. We went in for our big gender reveal ultrasound only to be told that our baby had no heartbeat. Those words will forever haunt me. I too am a nurse, so I felt completely blindsided after hearing the news – until my own experience, I was convinced that miscarriage only happens in the first 12 weeks. Amazing what you learn after a personal experience.
    Since I was so far along I had to be induced and deliver our baby. I asked for repeat ultrasounds multiple times in hopes that maybe, just maybe they were wrong. We got to hold our son, we have his tiny hand & foot prints, and even have pictures with him.
    You will never ‘get over it’ but you will get through it…I promise. I cried uncontrollably for I don’t know how long. I remember having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that one day you wake up with this little baby bump & then the next day it’s gone…one day there is a life growing inside of you & the next there’s not. I would see pregnant women & cry…I would see women out with their baby/kids & cry. I remember not getting out of bed for days…having no drive to do anything. But as the days passed I seemed to get a little stronger.
    Stay strong & lean on family & friends. Cry if you want to cry. There’s no set time on grieving and no special way to grieve. Just know that you are not alone & one day we will all see our angel babies again! Hugs, kisses, & prayers to you & Doug!

    • Jamie Otis 2 years ago Reply

      Thank you for your sweet note. I am so sorry for your loss, too. xoxox

  18. Tiana Magdamo 2 years ago Reply

    Jamie,

    I have had 2 miscarriages and it is absolutely devastating. My first was the hardest because I was just getting into the second trimester. Both times I lost boys. We named my first son Tanner and my second son Samuel. I’m praying that you can find peace. Remember that losing a child is something you “never get over” it’s something you learn to live with. Don’t let anyone pressure you into feeling like you have to get over it or feeling a certain way. I encourage you to check out October15th.com. It’s a great resource. October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Praying for you!

    • Jamie Otis 2 years ago Reply

      Thanks for sharing that with me. I really appreciate it! xoxo