It’s been less than a week since we have suffered from this terrible miscarriage. Last night my husband and I were making dinner and I just lost it. To think that a week ago there was a little baby curled up inside me warm and comfy, safe from the world. He could hear me talking to him and my heart beating next to his. I would rub my belly and smile knowing he was growing inside me. But now he is gone. I just can’t wrap my brain around it.
I was 17 weeks and one day pregnant when our pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Everyone says once you reach your second trimester you won’t miscarry. I read statistics online that said there’s only a 3% chance of miscarrying in your second trimester. No one ever thinks they will be part of that small 3%, but here we are.
Trying To Stay Positive
Doug, my husband, and I have been beyond blessed with an outpouring of support and love on social media. So many people have been sharing their personal stories, sending their best and praying for us. It really is so heartwarming – from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thanks for taking the time out of your day and sharing with us the different ways you’ve kept your baby with you, honored his/her life, and learned to cope with their loss. It is so helpful for us. We haven’t been able to reply to all of your comments, but we have been reading them all. Thank you so much.
I’m trying to listen and “move on a bit” but I just can’t quite figure out how to continue with every-day life. I just have no motivation to do anything. Yesterday I slept until 1 pm in the afternoon. When I woke up I didn’t want to get out of bed, but I took my pups for a long walk thinking that may help. I cried off and on. (My neighbors must think I’m crazy – I can hear ’em now ‘There goes that girl. Walking her dogs and crying.’) I told myself all the things that I’ve been hearing: “He’s in heaven safe and sound. God needed him and has bigger plans for him. Give it time and you will feel better. It wasn’t meant to be with this baby and you will understand later. He was sick and he would have had a very poor quality of life…etc.” I just came home and fell on the couch in a big ball with silent tears streaming down my face.
Lonely Feeling
Doug has been so good to me with all of this. He’s remained very strong while I’ve felt so weak. I’ve felt very lonely lately. I don’t know why because I have seen family and friends, but I just feel so alone. When Doug got home yesterday I was just a mess. (He seems to be able to continue with normal activities – he had a softball game in the morning. It’s so true when they say everyone copes differently.) I told him I was trying my best to be strong and remain positive but I just don’t even know how. He just wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.
A few people who’ve reached out to us who’ve had a miscarriage said that naming their baby helped them cope. The moment we found out we were pregnant we started talking baby names… actually, before we were even pregnant we were thinking baby names – the last chapter of my book, Wifey 101, I talk about the name we want to give our first daughter. We’ve had this name picked out since day 2 of marriage, though we didn’t know it’d have such significance then. We got very serious about choosing a name the first time we saw our little baby’s heartbeat. We love the name Henley. (This has such a special meaning for us. Like I said, I wrote about why we would want to name our little girl “Henley” in my book, Wifey 101. If God blesses us with a little girl we would really like to name her this.) We also like the names Levi, Jackson, Kayleigh, Bradley, Grace, Bentley, Emily, Emma, and a few more. (Clearly, we are so indecisive!) Even though we’ve been thinking about a name for our baby Hehner for so long, somehow all the names we were thinking before just didn’t fit.
Johnathan Edward Hehner
We wanted to name our baby the perfect name. A name that is full of meaning, warmth, and love. He deserves a beautiful name to be remembered by. I began searching online for different little boy names and their meaning. When I read that Johnathan means “gift from God” I silently sobbed and rubbed my belly. (I don’t know why I do this when he isn’t in there anymore, but somehow I still feel connected to him in that way.)
We decided to name our baby boy Johnathan because he is truly a gift from God. We love him so much and cannot wait to one day be reunited with this little one. Doug’s middle name is Edward after his grandpa. Doug wanted to give him his middle name. Our firstborn will share daddy’s middle name. I think this is so beautiful and meaningful. I hope this little boy knows how much his mommy and daddy love him. Just because we had a miscarriage and lost him before we were even able to rock him and bounce him doesn’t take away the immense amount of love we have for him. We will never forget our little Johnathan Edward.
Jamie Otis
201 comments
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Ahhhhhh Jamie, my heart truly hurts for you. I’ve personally gone through 4 miscarriages. I went through 3 IVF cycles that were not successful. I’ve turned 50 this year & I am post menopausal. I was never blessed to have a child of my own child.
The pain never leaves my heart.
Give yourself the time to heal and yes guys do handle the lost of a pregnancy in their own way.
They say when your ready try again but my doctor said something to me that made since. When you get the green light to try again, even if you think in your heart your not ready stop all birth control & let nature takes its course. Because your heart of loosing baby Johnathan will never allow you to feel it’s the right time. So just stop your birth control & let God take over. When he thinks your ready you will be. You’ll never forget this child but you will be able to love the baby boy or girl that’s waiting to meet you & Doug. Let me say this to you, you are a lucky women you gave birth to your beautiful baby girl and you’ll be able to have babbies in your future. Theres some women in this world that will never be able to have a child of the own and there not rich enough to adopt.
Please talk to women out there, theres so many women in this world that understand exactly what you & Doug are going through & how you both feel.
to you both. ❤
There are no words to truly comfort you & your husband’s loss. Except Bless you both & Baby Johnathon! I miscarried at 18 Weeks Oct 31 1985 walking across the E.R.Room MY BABY was born. OMG labor ALL night alone crying in pain & sadness. My BFF did not understand she’s yet to have a baby, To late were old now! I saw my baby boy ALL fingers head & toes yet brain was discolored as God knew something was terribly wrong. Single was I with ten YR old son I adore till today & his 20 yrs younger 2 sisters! Enough of that! Love you both & your babies TOO! I wish you OH mush joy, love & HAPPINESS Jamie. BABIES, their the Best BLESSINGS God can give TOO us women & men. LOVE your Jonathon & talking about him can help at times. YOU will though CARRY a love lost forever & ever but that’s normal.Take Care Sweetie & may God Bless your family as well. ❤ KAT ❤
I’m so sorry for the loss of baby Jonathan!. I have pulled for you two from the very beginning, prayers go out to you both.
I’m very sorry for the loss of your little baby boy. I have no words of wisdom, I only want you to know my heart hurt to read this news. I wish you the very best in growing your family in the future.
I’m devastated for you and Doug. You are meant to be a mommy and you officially now can say you are one! Not you were one, you are one…once a mommy, always a mommy. There is nothing that will make this better and I loathe all of the cliches like “God needed another Angel” or “at least you know you can get pregnant.” None of that is helpful. You deserve to feel absolutely crappy until one day you feel a tiny bit less crappy, but it will always be an ache in your heart. It just sucks and it’s unfair. My little brother shot himself on July 14,2016 and no cliches have eased the searing pain I feel. They actually piss me off. I’d rather someone say nothing then try to rationalize a tragic death. I lost my only sibling that day, but watching my parents mourn the death of their child has been almost worse. . I don’t know how you feel, but I am a mom so all I can imagine is that it’s unimaginable grief that takes your breath away. You wanted a baby for so long! I hurt for you. But you will have baby #2 and you will never forget Johnathan Edward and you will tell his siblings about him and he will always be a part of your family. Hugs to you both. All I can say is, as much as it pisses me off to admit this, in time it gets a millionth of a percent easier. But it’s never okay and you never understand – and that is okay, too!
Sending you loads of love! xoxox
I also lost my first child. I named him Jonathan and later found out the name meant gift from God. I cried everyday thinking that I would never have children. I now have 3 beautiful children and they are the love of my life. You will also have your rainbow baby ( or babies). He is your little angel watching over you now.
Thank you Harriet. xoxo
So sorry for your loss! I lost my little girl at 22 weeks from an incompetent cervix, she lived for almost a whole hour on her own! That was back in 2007, and I remember feeling like I had lost all hope of having another baby, ( we actually named her HOPE, we had that name picked out way before she was born) I remember praying and asking God to show me in the Bible a verse that would show me if I should try again. I wanted a baby so bad but I just couldn’t think to endure the same pain again. That same night the Lord gave me this scripture, “For there is hope of a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that the tender branch thereof will not cease” Job 14:7 I claimed that verse that night and through all the worry and all the sleepless nights, God proved himself mighty! I now have 2 beautiful sons 8 and 4! We recently started a church and named it “HOPE baptist church” and my husband said the sologan would be “where HOPE is alive” I know God is going to give you a rainbow! We r praying for you and your family!
This breaks my heart … I just couldn’t imagine. I am so sorry for your loss. I LOVE your church’s slogan and all the meaning of it for your sweet baby girl, Hope. xoxoxo
Dear Jamie, my name is Eleonora and I’m from
Italy. In September my husband and I lost our baby at 19th week. She was a baby and her name was Giulia. Thank you very much Jamie for sharing your experience… We have to share our experiences to not stay alone and to be strong togheter… Thank you very much and sorry for my English!
I am so sorry for your loss, Eleonora. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. Sharing our experiences makes us feel a lot less lonely. xox
I have watched the two of you from the very beginning, and it breaks my heart to find out that you finally got your wish, to be pregnant, and it ended this way. I’m sure your pain is enormous, and won’t soon go away, but know that you are so loved, by so many, and we all wish you and Doug the very best. You will have a healthy baby, I am sure. God knows, and when the time is right, you will have that child. Love You guys!!!
Thank you so much Tara. I really appreciate it!
Jamie,
I am so sorry to hear this. I had no idea. I watched yours and Dougs wedding on TV and check in to see how you are doing from time to time.
I lost a total of 4 babies. The first one I lost at 17 weeks, the second one at 15 weeks. The last two in the first trimester. I am so glad you gave little Jonathon a name. It does help you heal. I wish I could say time heals all wounds, but it doesn’t. It gets easier, but never totally goes away. Not even after 23 years. I do have a 21 year old and an 18 year old, so keep trying. I can tell you this, the loss made me appreciate my babies more, and also made me more protective of them!!! I wish you and Doug all the best and hope to see a baby picture in your near future!! Hugs to you both!
Peggy
Thank you so much, Peggy. I really appreciate it. xoxo
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I lost our sweet Adam at 17 weeks 6 years ago on November 13. The picture was truly heartbreaking but also so beautiful. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. Cherish the moments you had with your Sweet boy and the pictures. Those memories will always hold dear in your heart forever. One of things we do to remember our angel. We visit him as much as we can and also on his birthday. We bring him balloons and also a teddy bear too play with. We also talk about him and remember how very special he is too us. I will be praying for your family! I hope you find comfort knowing he’s in our Lords arms and know that your sweet angel knows how much you love and miss him. He will forever walk along side you! It’s never a goodbye, you will see your boy again ❤️️
Thank you so much! xoxo
Jamie,
I also lost a baby girl in my 17th week of pregnancy. It was shocking and devistating. That was 17 years ago. I still think about her almost daily. I think about what she would have looked like, what type of personality she would of had,, 1st day of kindergarten, prom, driving, I think about it all. When I see teenagers I think to myself, my daughter would be that age and so on. The good news is that I no longer cry. I am now blessed with a 7 year old little girl and a 9 year old little boy. They are AMAZING! My life is good. I’ll NEVER forget, but the pain does get much easier. Trust in your faith, love, and family, you will find a better place. I watched your show from the beginning and hoped you would fall in love with Doug. . I heard you were expecting a few months ago and was very happy for you. I just learned of this tragic news today and was saddened. When I heard the timing I was shocked and it triggered all my memories. Of course I’ve known lots of women who have suffered miscarriages, but usually much earlier on. Obviously I’ve heard of still born children as well, but I’ve never heard of anyone else having a miscarriage at 17 weeks like myself. Ive never sent a letter or email to a stranger before, but I felt compelled to reach out to you and offer you my condolences along with the promise that in time this will get mush easier. Sending Many prayers your way!
Thank you so much for reaching out to me, Jenny. I appreciate your words of encouragement. Sending lots of love your way. xoxo
My heart breaks for your broken heart. I can’t say I know how you feel, I won’t say time heals all pain. I will tell you I hope you find peace within yourself to know that God only give you what you can handle. With that being said I will pray for you and Doug. . God Bless you Both!
Thank you Ranee. I really appreciate that!
Hello Jamie, I have send you a message before regarding my story. I am the proud mommy of 5 after having cancer and was told by doctors I never would have children. I just want to express that your picture of your little angel was obsolutely beautiful. I know how difficult it should of been but what a precious moment to be able to hold your baby. I wasn’t given that privilege after losing my second baby. That picture brought tears to my eyes knowing you both were able to have that moment. Thanks for sharing your story with all of us. Much love to you and Doug.
Aww Sonia, it’s so nice to hear from you again. Your story is really inspiring. Thank you so much. xoxo
When a woman is going through a miscarriage, she is mourning over the death of her child the fact that she will not get to hold her child or meet her baby face to face, the knowledge that she will not get to watch her child grow up and will always wonder if her child was a boy or a girl, she will not get to see her child’s personality develop or see her child achieve his/her dreams, her empty womb – she may still feel all the symptoms of pregnancy, but her brain now knows that there is no baby in there. There is a void there…a sense of failure. I haven’t met a woman yet who’s miscarried and hasn’t wondered if it was somehow her fault. She failed, her body failed, she’s being punished for a past mistake, she shouldn’t have eaten this or drank that – all of these thoughts can easily play through the grieving mommy’s mind. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Just know Jonathan will be in your heart and mind forever. God bless Jamie❤️
Thanks, Libby! xoxo
Hi Jamie ,
First of all i want to thank you for sharing your experience i am sure it was a difficult decision to make but thank you because you are tue one who is giving me the strength to share my experience, please allow me to share my story about my multiple miscarriage in your blog!
How can i start remembering my first pregnancy back in nov 2014 it was the happiest moment of my life , I grew up most of my child hood alone i met my mother when i was 7 years of age and i had a rough childhood and my dream was always to have a little family of my own the family i never had , when i met my husband it was a fairytail we met on a trip to Nicaragua he is a Musician of that country and he got in touch with me via fb we started getting to know each other the first month i flew to Nicaragua once again to meet him officially in person we got to speak i was able to tell him what i wanted in life and in a relationship he did as well mext thing i know our love was growing fast 2 month later he travel to Orlando florida to see me everything went wonderful and then the following month i travel again to Nicaragua where i had no idea he was going to propose to me and 3 months later we got married everything happend so fast and until today we are so happy together and stronger than ever , further more i found out i was pregnant on Aug 2014 the best news and the best day of my life finally my wish came true to become a mother i let my hisbamd know and he was very excited and happy unfortunally he was in Nicaragua and i was in Orlando Fl, on Nov 2014 7am i was heading to work i was kn a red light ready to turn left when the green light turn i start turning and a car hit me from behind i was in shock but honestly i didnt felt it was a strong accident mu car didnt have much just scratches but the girl who hit me her car was in really bad shape the cops arrived at cene and i told them i was fine until i told them i was pregnant the police told me even though you feel ok i reccomend for you to head to the hospital so i did furthermore when i arrived at the hiospital they check me they did a heartbeat check but doctors would tell me anything all i saw was there faces looking at each other until i asked is everything ok ? One of the doctor told me hunny i am sorry but your baby has no heartbeat All i said was is imposible my pregnancy was going so well i just had my monthly check up last week and the baby heartbeat was perfect the doctor told me i am sorry but what might had happend was the car accident your emotions your feelings you felt during that accident when straight to the baby i couldnt believe it so i decided to go another hospital a regional hospital where the had better machines and they said the same thing only as this time i was told i would miscarried in a few days by itself i felt alone as i was in the hospital alone i cried and i just had hopes i prayed and i told god please help me maje my baby heart beat again , until later that night around 3am i couldnt sleep i had severe abdominal pain i was getting up to go to the restroom when i noticed my bed full of blood all over i started crying did not know what to do , i got to the restroom to urinate when i felt a big ball just come out i was like oh god i looked in to the toiltet and it was my unborn child i layed on the floor i cried and cried and cried i yelled i scream god why ??? Everything i have wished for why would you take it from me i felt alone by not having no one by my side my husband being abroad and my family not being nearby i called my aunt who took me to the hospital the next morning where they performa uktrasound and they confirm i have miscarried and i needed to take some abortion pills because all the pregnancy parts like placenta were not fully released i did take the pills and i was just peeing bloodclots . My husband did not know what to do i had guilt myself i started pointing fingers at him i felt my life was coming to an end . After the miscarriage i flew to Nicaragua to have support from my husband months pass by and on Jan 2015 i found out i was pregnant again i was scared but i also thanked God and told him if your giving me this gift is for a reason i took great care of myself during that pregnancy i ate healthy but there was one problem i had a urinary infection doctor said it was normal die to pregnancy hormones but the infection never went away every ultrasound my husband was by my side he was taking great care of me everything was perfect until Jan of 2016 i was 7 months pregnant and January 1st around 2 am i started getting contractions my husband told me it wa to soon to relax but i knew something was wrong i we got to a Hotel as he was on a event that night and the pain was getting worse and worse until 3 am my water broke and my husband took me to the nearest Hospital , when i got to the hospital first of all there was no doctors the staff were no where to be seen until a nurse passed by and my husband told her my water broke i was 7 months pregnant she took me in Unfortunally there was No doctors what so ever as Nicaragua declares National Holidays on the 1 st of January i had to wait for a doctor to arrive and i all i had was nurses just touching me and making everything even worse i would cry i would scream of the pain until i saw blood on one of te nurses hands gloves and i was just terrified the doctor arrived 1 hour later he started checking me and all he said to my husband i dont give you any hopes once i heard those words i cried my husband was just holding my hands terrified until tehy told me its time to push its time to deliver the baby i pushed and pushed until the baby came out the doctor had my husbad cut the umbilical cord i was put my son in my chest and i was told I am sorry the baby is not Alive Oh lord i went crazy i started crying like i have never cried i told my son i am sorry i am sorry and the doctor took him off my chest and he eas taken to get analysed i was dying until they decided to put me to sleep , while i was as sleep the doctor was able to clean my inside but he told my husband i was going to be under observation for any fever i can past away my husband did not know what to do he just lost his son now his wife ? Luckily i was ok and when i woked up i asked my husband where is my son and he said to me they are about to bring him we need to take him out of the hospital as soon as possible that what he was told , my son was given to me in a box wrapped and i just couldnt hold myself i just was feaking out crying i wanted to hold him again i was able to see him again i unwrapped him he was beautiful i hold his hand i and said to him i am sorry son you are everything i wanted i am sorry if it was my fault this happend oh lord i kiseed him i hold his hand and i just did not want to let go . I was told by the doctor that they analysed the baby to see if he had any condition but the baby was fine he did not understand what happend all he said that the infection had lots to do with it said that when an infection gets severe it passes through the placenta which decides to cause the water to break i felt with guilt i said sorry every night to my son i took great care of myself i was able to buried him and say my good bye i name him Elier reyes my husband name with my name combined . After that i couldnt sleep at night i didnt want my husband to touch me i had night mares i just wanted to be alone , people would just tell me i am sorry God knows his reason i was tired of hearing that it wasnt making me any better i rather just have you not say anything than saying the same as everyone else ! I would blame my husband for not listening to me when i told him i was having pain i even told him he did not love my child as i didnt see him cry for the loss & all he said to me was you dont know how i feel because i have to stay strong to you i cry alone when you dont watch me because if you see me cry i am not helping you so as you jamie said he was grieving on his own way . I was just blaming everyone i would tell God who are you ? Why are you giving me what i aleays dream off and taking them away from me why ?? I just had no answers . My husband and I went to a sphycologist where i was bale to let everything i felt in my heart out my husbad also he cried and after that talk with the sphycologiat ofcourse i was not recover but i had to move on and be strong and i knew i now had 2 angels watching over me . I came to a decision where i wanted No kids i started taking birth control after that my menstrual period were not normal i would get them every 4th of ever month for 3 days and on the 20th of the same montgs for 4 days i went like that for a couple of months until on May i did not get my period at all i started panicking and al i did was take a pregnancy test which came out to be positive ill be honest i was not happy i called my husband crying i told him i didnt want this pregnancy i told him i did not want to go through the same thing all over again and plus my body was not fully healed all he said to me was STOP let it be go get checked confirm witht the doctor and lets explain the situation to the doctor , I went straight to my doctors clinic i told her i just found out i was pregnant but i did not know what to do as of my previous health records , the doctor did a ultrasound and everything looked ok she did tell me yes its risky due to the fact you have 2 miscarrieages and one recent it lowers your percentage which you can experience another miscarriage and that is not what i wanted but she did say but that does mot mean you cannot have a full term healthy pregnancy so that gave me hopes i decided to take the pregnancy as another hope and today i am 17 weeks pregnant with a Baby Boy on the way everything is looking normal no pain no bleeding and all i am doing this time around is not think negative i am trying to take my day as happy as possible and i even think as if i am not pregnant i just eat healthy i lay on my feet on the way about every day and i am just enjoying this pregnancy . So i ask you jamie and anyone reading my story to please please have me and my pregnancy in your prayers i know that my angels are with me and are giving me this opportunity to become a mother and i know this will be a healthy full term pregnancy . Thank you very much for allowing me to share my story and i hope this helps others to open up and speak ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story…. I know it is so hard to talk about, but when you do it feels so good. I will definitely be praying for you and your “rainbow baby” as they call them. 🙂 Please come back and let us know how everything is going every once in a while. 🙂 P.S I went to Nicaragua when I was in nursing school … it’s a beautiful country. 🙂
A miscarriage is a death that I don’t think moms do get over. You always remember your baby. The bright side is that you know you can get pregnant, some women can’t do that. When you do have another baby, they have a sibling looking out for them from above. You are clearly going to be a great mom, as you initially put your baby first when you became pregnant. Welcome to motherhood. You have more great things coming your way. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
Thanks for your prayers, Aimee. xoxo
I can relate so much to your story. My husband and I just suffered a miscarriage on Sunday. I was 15 weeks along. I suffered from bleeding and then major cramping this weekend. We went to the ER and saw our little boy on the ultrasound kicking his feet and a good heart beat.. Then, not even one hour later, he was gone. I told the nurse at the hospital that we wanted to bury our child. They said we could, but they called my child a specimen. I was heart broken that they weren’t even recognizing my child as a baby. I want people to know my first born child and know that he matters even though no one ever got to meet him. We named him Legend Matthew (Matthew meaning gift of God). I dread seeing or talking to anyone. I thought we were in the clear (2nd trimester), so I started posting things on Facebook. One lady today told me, “it’s ok” and hugged me. But it’s not ok…we lost our child! My heart feels like it’s broken and I don’t know if I will ever be truly ok. I just pray that I learn how to deal without our son. It took us nine years and IVF to become pregnant. Your story really touched my heart. I’m so sorry for your loss and pray for comfort for you and your family. It’s comforting to me just to know someone else truly knows how I feel. Thank you so much for writing your story.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss, Christi. I think some people really just don’t know what to say….I wrote a blog about that you may like. It’s not that they don’t care, but they have a – pardon my frankness – lousy way of showing it. …I shared my story because when I first lost our son I felt SO alone. It wasn’t until I began blogging about it that I realized how many woman are in our boat and feel the way we do. I hope you know you aren’t alone … if you ever need anything please feel free to email me – Jamie@JamieOtis.com xoxo
Jamie I watched you guys on the show–big fan! More importantly I really needed to read both this and the article with Women’s Day. Thank you so much for starting the conversation and inviting all people to be more
open. Your words are so true and so real–so nice to see in a culture filled with crazy stuff on the Internet. I felt such relief reading because there are times I hate being alone and cry….I want to call someone but don’t want to freak them out crying and then how do I start that conversation without making them super uncomfortable. We lost our first baby at 17 weeks very recently, delivered very unexpectedly, and I can say I’m with you–you hit all the emotions spot on and because of you I’m reminded I’m not alone. It is such a real experience and such a real little body growing inside! My husband has been awesome as well, but carrying the baby inside us is something so special our husbands can never fully grasp what that’s like (no fault of their own). Our little one is named Sam–I’m sure Sam and Jonathan are up in Heaven playing together! Thanks for sharing your story, I’m sorry for your experience but be reassured that you are never alone. Because of your courage to write and share, hopefully more will do the same. It’s an emotional conversation, but one that is appreciated! Truly inspiring. Thank you again!
I am so happy that you found our story of pain and coping after losing our firstborn, Johnathan, to be a bit encouraging to you after losing your sweet boy, Sam. I do hope they are in heaven playing together. That’s such a nice picture to imagine in my mind. 🙂 xoxo
Hello Jamie, I just became a fan of the show. I’m so sorry for your lost. I also lost my baby in the 2 trimester. It was my second baby. After I had my first born I had cervical cancer at the age of 20yrs old. I was told after that I wouldn’t be able to have children. 4 years later I got pregnant but I lost it. One year later even using birth control because I was so afraid of getting pregnant and reliving a miscarriage I got pregnant with my 3rd baby everything went perfectly well I have an amazing son. Long story short 7 years after him I had another baby a daughter and then 15 months later I had another baby and then 2 years later another one. I am a mom of 5! 2 girls 3 boys. So there is hope, Jamie don’t give up hope and yes I still mourn the lost of my baby it was a girl and she would of been 16 years old this year. But I thank God that he blessed me with 5 when I was told I couldn’t have any after my 1st. And now I’m asked by people why I have 5 children I always say I have 6. One is not with me but she lives in my heart. Some people say why so many kids and I say because I was told I couldn’t have any. And they are my little miracles. I will keep you in my prayers. Much love to you and Doug.
Doug and I would love to have 5 kids. Thanks for sharing your story. Our little boy will always live on in our hearts. We love him dearly. xoxo
I have not had your experience, I can only imagine and jist on the thought am brought pain. I hope you know it’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling, it’s okay to grieve, you NEED to grieve. Get it all out and scream if you have to. Yes, you’ll move on, but this piece of life will always be with you. My prayers for peace and comfort are with you and for you to find a way to make this loss a part of what makes you stronger as you move on.
Thank you so much for your love and support. It means so much to Doug and me. xoxo
Jamie my heart aches so much for you, I hurt for you. I wish you would post pictures of Johnathan, I think it’s sweet and don’t see anything wrong with it. I wish more was said like you said. I remember having heavy bleeding in my first pregnancy, 4 weeks till 8 weeks. The doctor’s for sure told me a miscarriage but later my baby came through. I remember wanting to announce but everyone said not to because incase I have a miscarriage..why should women have to stay quiet, and hold the big news in, and if you do miscarriage more people will know what you’re going through. I hate the mask we are told to out on. I love your honesty, and vulnerability. I admire your strength and pray for you! Read a Proverbs/Psalm each day! God is close to the broken hearted.
Psalm 34:18. Draw close to Him and He will draw close to you! Cling to God!
I’ve definitely thought about it. I want him to be remembered. I want to desensitize the topic. Woman shouldn’t feel so alone when they go through such a traumatic experience. Thank you so much. xoxo
I am so very sorry for your loss. I went through the same thing in October. It was so incredibly difficult. I had five happy days of knowing i was pregnant, before the bleeding started. I bled every single day for 14 weeks. My mom bled a lot when she had my oldest brother, and he turned out healthy, and the doctors said to me over and over again that it was probably okay as it wasnt too much blood and the ultrasounds were fine. It was the hardest thing to feel unsure but also try to remain positive for so long. Also when its your first pregnancy you worry that its something wrong with you and its all you know so it makes pregnancy in the future seem so scary and uncertain too. I hope you feel okay soon and get through it with Doug. Sorry again.
I am so sorry for your loss. …I feel your pain. I am praying and thinking of you. xoxo
Jamie and Doug,
I’ve followed your story since the beginning and was so happy when you announced your pregnancy. I am sorry that you have to go through the loss of your baby. I have suffered an abruption at 28 weeks and a miscarriage at 20 weeks and it is not something that was easy to deal with. Jamie, the loneliness is only temporary. You seem to have a wonderful and supportive husband so just keep on crying in his arms when you need to. My husband and I got pregnant really early in our relationship and although we went through the losses it brought us closer together and made our relationship stronger. Do what you feel is right for the both of you in regards to mourning. We have pictures and memory boxes for our little boys. We also named both of them and every year we wish them a happy birthday on the days that would have been their birthdays. Some people I know say they could never have pictures out in the open like I do but that was the only way I could live. It took a few years after those two losses for us to try again and when I got pregnant I was scared over every little pain and cramp. In the end we had a perfectly healthy baby girl who is now 7 years old. I pray that you both continue to stay strong for each other and that you are blessed with a baby in the future..
I’m so sorry to hear about your abruption (that must have been so scary!) and your miscarriage at 20 weeks. I am so lucky to have my husband.. I am happy your husband was so supportive, too. We have pictures with Johnathan and it took me a month before I could look at them. It was so comforting to know we had them, though. I looked at those photos of my sweet Johnathan a couple days ago. (It’s been one month already) 🙁 It made me so sad to see him so small and helpless – and I wasn’t able to do anything to help him. But it was also nice to know I have photos of us together. His mommy and daddy loving on him and giving him kisses. He knows he is very much loved. I’ve been thinking about posting them to share my sweet boy with everyone. But then I get scared it’s too “taboo” and people will judge….and then the others side of me fights back with the reasoning that we HAVE to make the topic less “taboo” because there are so many women who go through it and seemingly suffer alone. No one ever wants to talk about it. Family members all go back to normal life so quickly & expect us to as well. Only a mother who has lost her child this way will understand. Thanks for sharing your story. It gives me hope in my rainbow baby. xoxo
Jamie,
I too lost a baby at 17 weeks and 5 days. Nathan was perfect in every way, too perfect to stay in this world I guess. This month marks 19 years. One thing I do to remember him is to have a family birthday celebration. After I lost Nathan I went on to have 2 more children and we celebrate their brother with cupcakes and ice cream each year. I know it’s silly, but it makes me feel better. What I am trying to say is that you never forget, but it does become less painful. I reserve August 26th each year to cry and miss my sweet baby and then celebrate him with my other children to end the day. You are amazing and I am sure you too will find a way to remember your little one. My heart aches for you. Love and prayers!
Hi Christine…this is such a nice way to remember Nathan. Doug and I are still thinking of how we are going to remember our Johnathan best. This is a great idea. Thank you for sharing. xoxo (And I’m thinking of you – Nathan’s birthday is coming up.)
Jamie,
I’ve watched you a Doug since the first episode. I know how MUCH you wanted a baby and I’m so sorry to hear this awful news. You are doing everything you can to cope and I hope you start to find a way to breathe easily again soon. I lost my first pregnancy at only two weeks, and even though that was barely into pregnancy, I still found myself grieving and having to work through the emotions. As women, we have a true connection to any baby we are blessed to have grow inside us. Know that Jonathan’s spirit will always dwell in you.
Hi Jamie,
I’m so sorry, there is nothing more heartbreaking than the loss of a child. I lost my first child 6 months into my pregnancy… It has now been 17 years and 3 healthy children since. Here’s what I can tell you from my experience… You’ll never forget but it will become easier over time, you will most likely be terrified every single time you are pregnant in the future (try not to let it overwhelm you… it’s okay). Give yourself ALL the space you need to grieve… it took me 10 years to be in a place where I felt ready to have another child (of course I was 19 with my first so I wasn’t really ready to be a parent in the first place so time was good for that too). I had a childhood similar to yours (different but with some of the same issues with an abusive step father and trust issues with my mother), I also married a good man (who at the time was my boyfriend) he never left my side… This experience while being the worst thing that had ever happened to me hands down was also the thing that really solidified the fact that he was a wonderful guy and someone I could depend on (a first for me, nobody else had been there for me let alone in a situation as intense and heart breaking as this)… Let this strengthen your relationship and bond with one another, it’s a horrible loss but you can gain something positive from it in time. It does not feel like it, but you will make it through… After all you’ve made it through so many other difficulties, this is a big one but it’s not impossible. Keep moving forward and giving yourself permission to grieve. There’s no right or wrong way to do it and there’s no time limit. My prayers are with you and I hope that knowing you’re not alone and there is peace on the other side of grief is helpful (maybe not now but in the future). You will have healthy children in the future, it will not change or erase what you’ve gone through… but you will know the joy of parenthood I have faith in this.
XOXO
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I am so happy for you that your boyfriend (now husband) stood by your side – especially after what you went through. I am so lucky that my husband has been a rock for me, too. We are very fortunate for good men in our lives. That is for sure! xoxo
Hi Jamie, you are a true inspiration. My husband Carlos and I used to follow your story since day 1 of MAFS, and it’s so sweet and honest. Stay strong and love your family, that’s the best way to cure all the sadness and lost. Sorry for my english, I know it’s not perfect. Kisses from Mexico City!
Thank you so much Cecilia. I really appreciate it! xoxo
Jamie I would be lying if I said I understand your pain or know what you are going through because no one can truly understand how you feel inside but i will say this, there is a reason why God chose you to undergo all that you have gone through.take pride in the fact that little Angel Jonathan is in heaven with the Almighty watching over you.I have followed your story and I know how much it means for you to start a family.all your hubbys baby bucket list and all .just stand strong in prayer and Faith.Isaiah 43:18-19. It’s the verse we are reading right now in my church I pray you find hope strength and comfort in it.Am praying for you and Doug to be strong.for the bible tells us in Isaiah 54: For a small moment have I forsaken you;but with great mercies will I gather you.In a little wrath I hid my face from you for a moment;but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on you says the LORD your Redeemed.from your prayer friend in Uganda.
Thank you so much for reaching out to me all the way from Uganda. I really appreciate it and thanks for sharing that scripture. xoxo
Jamie, I have watched MAFS since the first season, and I was so excited to see Doug finished his “list” lol! I have miscarried twice, and it doesn’t hurt less, but what I can say, it hurts different as time goes on. 14 years after my first loss, I still remember finding out I was pregnant, and being so excited. But, I have to believe something about my body or the baby wasn’t right, and it was the way it needed to be so I didn’t have to choose. There is a song out there that a high school acquaintace’s wife wrote about miscarriage. It really makes you cry, don’t watch it in public! But, it’s very healing and says all the right things! Look up almost by rebekah garvin on youtube. Much love and hugs to you and Doug during this very emotional time. Be kind to each other, and to yourselves!
I will add that song to my list of songs that I listen to. Thank you.
Jamie and Doug,, Ive followed you both since day 1 and your marriage story is so very unbelievable and unique. I was so very happy for you when I heard that you were finally going to have a baby, I know Jamie you have been wanting to get pregnant for awhile. You have overcome so much in your life, more that most in a lifetime have had to bear in many many ways. But there is some unknown reason for it and only God knows but you my lovely young lady are going to get through all this and one day when you have that child, you are going to make the most unbelievable mother. That is my biggest regret in my life, and if I could do it differently I would but you and Doug will be the most amazing mom and dad and I cannot wait to hear how your story continues, you have only just begun. God bless the both of you..
Thank you so much Diane. I really appreciate it! xoxo
I am so sorry to hear about this. Sweet Jamie and Doug, you are loved in this crazy social networking world filled with good people who care and send their thoughts of love and healing to you. Give yourself time to grieve this baby and you will be blessed again. Write a special memory journal for the baby it’s an amazing way to deal with grief. Going through a 2 month body cleanse along with yoga can do wonders for your heart and soul. Pamper yourself. You deserve it
thank you so much! xoxo
Please just know that it is all in God plan and everything will be ok. I lost my very first child last year. Then God blessed me with my very own rainbow baby. Please just trust and love on one another and all is well….I will hold your family in my prayers and be blessed.
Thank you so much Ment. I am hoping for a rainbow baby soon. 🙂
OMG Jami… This is so so sad to read. I just love you two. Fell in love with you guys watching MAFS and I am so thankful I did. You two make a great couple as I have mentioned on Twitter and various, Youtube sites. I know your pain very well my dear. We lost our first born when he was 4 months old. Then to make it worst we tried again and we miscarriage. Surround yourself with good friends and family and do not be afraid to talk about your pain. Time and their comfort will get you though this. Like you have said God had a better plan for Johnathon. He is up there with our son Justin serving a greater need. I think you two are so fantastic and in time God will favor you both. I do so much wish you two the best things life has to offer. I often think about you two and check up on social media when ever I do. I certainly didn’t want to read this and my most sincere thoughts go out to both of you guys!!
Thanks Ken. xoxo
My prayers, hugs and kisses go out to you both. We lost our daughter Savanah Abigail Bohannan at 17 weeks also. I can say feel all the emotions and take all the time you need. Your angel baby will always be with you.
thanks, Veronica. xoxo
Prayers from one angel baby mommy to another. It was nearly 12 years ago, but I remember that heartbreak and lonely feeling. It was the darkest time of my life, but I found support among strangers on the babycenter.com boards who had experienced loss the same month I had. We were able to grieve together. Much life has happened since then. I still keep in touch with many of them today. I was too hurt to pray at the time , but I found reading God’s promises in scripture kept me going and offered healing to my broken heart. <3
xoxo thank you
Thank you for your kind words. Your rainbow will come one day I’m sure of it. Your love for your precious boy will never fade, you will never forget. Hold on tight to each other as husband and wife. Love conquers all. I pray for brighter times ahead for you both. With much love xxx
thanks for the love and prayers
Jamie & Doug, my husband and I have followed your story from the beginning. We have suffered 4 miscarriages in all, our most recent in April this year at 11 weeks. After our first two losses, we had a beautiful baby girl who is now 2 and a half years old, the centre of our world, our hope and all our joy. We’ve had 2 losses since, in trying for a little brother or sister for our girl. We know the feeling of deep sadness and loss, the heartbreak, the shattered hopes and dreams. We know the loneliness, that no one understands exactly how you feel, no matter how hard they try. I went to counselling and I learned that however I felt on any particular day was how I should feel. You may crumble one day and cope the next, whatever you feel is right for you at that time. God has a plan for your lives though it’s hard to see sometimes, and we pray a precious little one arrives one day for you both. You’ll never forget your boy, but you will instead have a love and appreciation for your child far beyond what you thought possible. Sending warmest hugs to you both xx
Thank you! I’m so happy you were able to have a rainbow baby and she’s your whole world. I hope one day we will have our rainbow baby. Today is two weeks since our Johnathan was taken from us. We love him so much. xoxo
So sorry for the loss of your baby. It’s such a hard time. ❤ I had a miscarriage before my daughter was born due to a blood clotting gene, Factor V Leiden. Whenever I hear someone has a miscarriage, I always tell them to get checked for this gene because it can be associated with that. I am fortunate that they figured it out.
I will continue to pray for you.
Thanks for sharing this. It’s always good to have an idea of what may have happened.
I had and still do have a GREAT fear of them being forgot… Am I the only one that will remember them? Do only I feel their sognificance? I talk about them often. Never stop- you are a mother.
When a child is born it’s a mother instinct to protect that child, when a child dies it’s the mothers instinct to keep their memory alive.
We do a butterfly release ever May 2, their birthday.
He will NEVER be forgotten. He is important and he mattered.
Have you heard of Molly bears?
Your position could do amazing things for their organization and I know you would find it healing.
Mollybears.org
And heldyourwholelife.org
I love this quote: “When a child is born it’s a mother’s instinct to protect that child, when a child dies it’s the mother’s instinct to eep their memory alive.” …I’ll definitely look into Molly Bears… xoxo
This all brings me back to this time last year. We lost triplets at 19 weeks. My cervix shorted (which should have been caught by my MFM) and I went into labor.
I had a surgery (abdominal cerclage) aug 2015. I felt like I was still fighting for them… Anything I could do to save them… Even though they were gone. 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant with triplets, again…
God is good. He does far greater things than we could ever imagine.
Id love to connect with you- only a friend and sister in loss. You might get thing all this and rarely actually reach out but I’m feeling a pull to your story-
We welcomed 3 babies less than a year later… 2 boys and a girl- after we had just buried 2 boys and a girl that previous May. Some how God makes it right in time. You’ll never stop missing Jonathan. He was an irreplaceable gift- and because of him you will see life completely different- brighter colors, beauty in the smallest things. You’ll also be a better mother because you realize how precious life is and what a miracle Babies truly are. He is not. Sad chapter, he’s not a tradgedy, he’s the greatest part of your journey. Your life has changed, become better for knowing and meeting him. He has done his job. Xo
Id love to speak if you are needing that one person to not feel alone. I can tell you how much I understand exactly what you are saying. Sending so much love.
Jesusmeandphotography.blogspot.com
I am so happy you have your triplets now Samone. Thank you so much for such a thoughtful message. I feel so much love and support. 🙂
When I lost my son a pastor told me that he believes all children who are unborn grow up in heaven and are there waiting to greet you. I hope you find peace and comfort somehow.
Thank you, London. xoxo
Jamie, I wish there were words that could bring you and Doug comfort and peace. Just know that I am praying for you. ❤️
Thank you for this. It’s truly appreciated. xoxo
I am so very sorry for your loss of your baby boy. There is no magic time, or words spoken that instantly make you feel all better. In fact, I’m not sure we are ever all better. We all grieve in different ways, and so I wish that you are kind to yourself, cry when you need to, and just wake up each day knowing that you are loved and strong and been through the worst possible loss. You will recover, and you will find happiness and peace, when the time is right. Love each other and if all you can do some days is just get through, it’s ok.
YOUR REVIEW
YOUR REVIEW
Jamie, that’s a beautiful name for him. He’s still your son. Your son in Heaven. He will always be part of your family. I pray for you and your future children. God Bless you all.
First I wanna say how inspired your and Dougs story made me. Not only in love, but life in general. MAFS aired all the way up here in Norway a few months ago. And I was so happy to see that you chose to stay together!
And now I’m so sad and so sorry to hear about your loss! I can’t even imagine what feelings and questions you’re left with. And I LOVE the name you’ve picked out for him!
The main reason why I wanted to reach out to you was because of this song called “You and I” by Ingrid Michaelsen”. After I learned the passion you and Doug share for spooning, I can’t help but think about you guys and your love story when I hear it.
I do love that song, too. Thank you for reaching out .. all the way from Norway. xoxo
I was reading your story and it brought back memories at a young age I miscarried I was 18 weeks four days I seen the baby It was a boy he didn’t make it we named him and it’s been 12 years and I still think about it and I know like you said God needed him as well and he’s in a better place I know what you’re going through you will never Forget but as days go on you’ll be able to cope better with life my heart goes out to you and your husband so sad actually seeing my baby Richard the vision will never seem to fade I dream bout him all the time finally 2 years after that I met my true love married him and had twin boys that r now 8 I know life is hard on use but God will bless use abundancely stay strong
Thanks for this. xoxo
I can’t say it better than so many others have. We found that my mother-in-law lost for babies. My husband is the oldest of the ten that made it. He never even knew! It hass been my experience that there is good in awful things that happen. Example: We were homeless eight months, even though I worked. We have a stong marriage. Some day you may find something that was good. For me, it was seeing his face when I told my hubby I was pregnant. Never got to know if it was Andrew Peter, or Christina Marie. The sac was empty. Gone fishing? The due date was Nov. 26, 1992. It does get easier. Talk to those dogs! They are amazing therapists. We are praying for both of you, and Jonathan Edward. Hugs!
Jamie cry as much as you need to let it all out. I found that helped a lot. Also, what helped me was talking to other women that experienced the same loss. Even though you didn’t get to meet, touch, or hold your baby it is a real loss that brings mourning. You just have to mourn it’s process. They say time heals all things well I’m not going to lie to you, it doesn’t, but it does make it easier. You and Doug are in my prayers and I hope life brings you great happiness and lots of beautiful babies.
YOUR REVIEW
Jamie and Doug,
I am so truly sorry for your loss. I have watched you for the past few years and have seen how you have grown as individuals and also as a couple. Your love and dedication gmto one another amazes me and you have proven what real love is in today’s world. I know that you will be amazing, loving, dedicated parents and Jonathan will watch down from heaven cheering you and his siblings on. While I do not know either of you personally, I feel like I know you just by following your love story. Please know you are in my thoughts, my prayers and in my heart. Sending love to you and Doug
Jamie, I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be praying for you and Doug. My mom and I fell in love with you both the first time we saw you on the first season of MAFS. I don’t think I have ever rooted any harder for any other couple…especially one that I don’t know personally! 😉 But you’re both just such lovely people who were clearly made to be together, and it’s been such an awesome journey for all of us to watch you grow in your marriage together. I was pretty shocked to find out this had happened to you, knowing how badly you wanted a child of your own. I’m not going to say a bunch of cliches like “God needed another angel” because I’m not entirely sure I believe in that. What I DO believe though is that God is grieving right along with you and Doug and it breaks His heart to see you both in such pain. However, He will create something good out of all of this because He is the Master Healer and Comforter. I’m only 21 years old and in college, so I don’t know what it’s like to have this happen and I’m not going to pretend that I do. Just know that I am praying very much for you both and know without a shadow of a doubt that someday you will have the baby you have always wanted. Lots of love to you both!!
I’ve cried reading your email including how you have chosen such a sweet meaningful name for your son. It takes me back,16 years 8 months to our devastating miscarriage. I was 18.5 weeks along. I somehow contracted a septic infection which set everything in motion. From trying to wrap our brains around what just happened, we had to plan a small funeral mass and choose a tiny casket for our son, Casey Allen. I still ache for him. I could go on, but I won’t burden you. It’s something that happens that changes you forever. For the Mother’s especially. Love to you both as you endure this sad time in your lives.
Jamie, I can tell how much you loved this baby, I’m so sorry for your loss. I too have experienced this pain (several times unfortunately) one being at 25 weeks. Give yourself time to grieve and when it’s safe, try again. I have 2 amazing children and it’s taken me 3 years to have each one. The pain of loss will be eased when you do have another child. Unfortunately, each pregnancy will now be filled with anxiety, but know you are not alone.
Hey Jamie (and your hubbie too ofcourse) I am so sorry to hear About your loss. Ever since the first season of mafs came out over here in Belgium I fell in love with u two. Hoping you would stay together and thank God you did. I know from my own losses that this is a very hard time, but how cheesy it may sound, time will help you heal. Love the name you chose for your little boy, and he is up there now with so many other little angels watching over us. Even though he isn’t next to u he Will always be right there and maybe someday he Will be a big brother and watch over his siblings from above, making Sure to protect your family. Wish you both all the best and lots of blessings still to come
My deepest condolences to you and Doug..I’ve been following your story from the beginning and believe in my heart that your continued ever growing love will bring you both comfort during this trying time..
Tears! I’m still praying for both of you. I have no stories no words of wisdom. Nothing but sending you loads of love.
I lost Jonah Tate at 21 weeks. He should be 9 now. I’m so very sorry. The pain never goes away….. but, you just learn to live a different way. You are a Mother now, Your child just lives in heaven. My heart breaks for you and Doug. Please make sure you remind him to care for himself also. Men so often care for us, that they forget or even don’t think they need to care for themselves.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there and it’s so hard. But I’m hoping God will bless you soon with a little one. Remember that you have had an angel unaware.
Jamie, my heart breaks for you. please don’t give up. please know your life has so much value. please allow yourself space to feel all that you are feeling. joy and the knowledge of your worth and importance to this world will find you once again. <3333 essence
thank you. xoxo
I’m so sorry for you loss and completely understand your emotional highs and lows. I went through a miscarriage early in our marriage and recently my daughter passed away about four months ago. I’m glad that you’re sharing your story on this blog because I think it makes our experiences more human. It must be hard to write about it when you’re just going through it, though. Just know that all of us who have gone through this trial need that emotional time to grieve. You might have a busy schedule, but take your time with grieving. You don’t have to move on just yet.
I also love that you named him! I named my first baby Haven and my second daughter Hadassah. Thank you for sharing his lovely name.
xoxo <3
I’m so sorry for your loss. There is nothing that will take that away, or make it easier for either of you. We have lost three now, in various ways, and every time is different. Every time I find a new way to “heal”. My most recent idea is to plant three trees in our yard; for time to spend with these little angels. Talking about it really is the best medicine for your heart. It will be harder for Doug… You were closer to your little bundle. Find grace for both of you in that. Your time will come… Listen, be patient and don’t give up. Wishing you peace ❤️
I really like this idea. I think Doug and I may do this when we buy a new home.
I know what you’re feeling right now Jamie. I got pregnant in March this year, but we lost our twins in June. Christmas twins.. You’re not alone ❤️ I pray for you and our little angels. Our three musketeers ❤️ If you need to talk I’m available 24/7. Oh, I wish I could meet you in person
I’m so sorry you lost your twins. 🙁 xoxo
There is a song that really helped me after my miscarriage. It is by the group Watermark (it is a husband and wife). The song is “Glory Baby”. It is a song they wrote after losing their own baby. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. I did not learn this when I had my miscarriage years ago but came to understand it when my husband died two years ago. Grief is different for everyone; no one can tell you how long it should be or what should come next; it is just a jumbled up mess. I have learned the heartache never goes away; it just changes as you move through different stages. I pray God’s peace be upon you both! Press into Him because He is the ultimate comforter!
I will listen to this song. Thank you so much. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending love your way. xoxo
Hi Jamie,
My brother and sister in law lost my nephew when she was 28 weeks pregnant due to him having a rare form of Down syndrome. To celebrate him they drive from Texas to North Caroline this will be the second year and we release balloons on his birthday which is July 30th. It helps the family because we all live so far and that is the one time we all get to come together to celebrate our angel Jaxon Bennett. I hope you start to feel better soon. You have your own personal angel watching over you everyday.
This is so nice and such a great idea to always celebrate little Jaxon. That’s one of the things I fear for my Johnathan, I fear he will just be forgotten…what a great idea. xoxo
Es un nombre hermoso, no pudieron uds escoger mejor, admiro el valor que ud tiene para poder compartir con el mundo su historia y amor tiene para su bebé. De verdad, que los admiro muchísimo a su esposo y ud, son unos padres amorosos y valientes. Les deseo lo mejor y los mantengo en mis oraciones
Goodness, I am so sorry to read this! I’m just coming in on your story as I’m subscribed to Fit Pregnancy’s Facebook page, and I can’t begin to imagine the pain you feel. I am 11 weeks today, and I was trying for 2 years. Finally, my husband and I found a blessing of a doctor who had to do one surgery on me, and we hit it naturally. God has a plan for you! I don’t know your story before this, but know that you have a sweet Angel to always look over you. Don’t lose hope is the best, yet toughest advice I received on our journey. Prayers for you that your next pregnancy is a breeze!!
Thank you so much Nikki! Sending lots of love your way … I pray you meet your baby healthy and happy around your due date! 🙂 xoxo
Hello Jamie & Doug…I am terribly sorry for your loss. We are a rare breed and there is no name for us. When you lose your parents, you’re an orphan. When you lose a spouse, you’re a widow or widower but there is no official name for parents who have lost a child.
It will be 11 years this year for my husband and I. Our Madeleine died when she was just 3 months old after heart surgery. A surgery that is common for children with Down Syndrome. We were told there is a 1% chance of death after a surgery like this, so we were comforted by those odds. Unfortunately less than 24 hours after heart surgery she passed away. I replay this memory everyday on her Angelversary. In the beginning, instead of remember the pain we decided to celebrate, we always do something for her birthday and Angelversary, whether go to the Zoo, pumpkin picking or whatever as long as we are doing it in her honor.
Allow yourself to feel every bit of the grief, you have that right and no one should tell you any different. What I did was that I took one second at a time, then it was one minute, then an hour, then a month and then a year. I compared the wave of grief to being in a tsunami while swimming in the ocean. You are trying to tread water and getting gulps of air while bouncing off the ocean floor, waves crashing. Then you can stand on bottom of the ocean but the waves are still crashing, then before you know it, you are treading with easy and you’ve reached the beach. Now while I was trying to grieve, I had to take care of my two year old and I had just found out I was pregnant again with my rainbow baby. People would say the most ridiculous things that THEY thought would be comforting but it wasn’t. Instead of me getting myself upset or angry, I said a little prayer for them because let’s be honest, they have NO clue on how you feel. I would say Forgive them Lord, they know not what they say and that helped me get through it and pray they never feel this pain. I still grieve but not as intense, I call them Maddie moments.
My husband and I are still together and some would think the divorce rate is high, it is not. Doug will not grieve like you and vise versa. My husband was more internal where I wasn’t. I told him that now we are playing a man down in the game of life, we just need to know how to maneuver through it. Be patient with each other and hold each other more.
The one piece of advice we received was I don’t have to accept her death, just acknowledge it, that really did help and I use that still to this day.
I’ll be praying for you both and for Johnathan Edward.
God Bless ~ KQ
Oh my goodness. I just couldn’t even imagine. Sending lots of love to you and your husband. One day you will meet your Maddie again, until then she will be with you in spirit. 🙂 xoxo
Jamie, my fiancé and I know all to well what you are both going through. We lost our baby in May at 10 weeks. The pain is heart wrenching. We will continue to pray for you and Doug. Take as much time as you need as grieve they way you feel is best. You truly are two amazing people
thank you Kayla. xoxo
I don’t know if this is helpful, but here’s what I did: my husband and I had been trying for a very long time. Even prior to the exhausting fertility treatments we “named” the baby “un bebe” (yes, I know it’s not a name, but it was a generic way of talking about our future kiddo in some sort of proper way). We would say “well, when un bebe comes…” or “what will we do when un bebe wants to…” etc. When fertility treatments started, each month it was “perhaps un bebe will come this month!”. Well, one month un bebe did come…and then un bebe left a while later. It was horrible, soul crushing…and then one night my husband looked at me and said “un bebe wasn’t ready yet…maybe they’ll come back this month”. In a weird, weird way this pulled me back to reality. Neither of us are religious, but I liked the idea that perhaps un bebe just…wasn’t ready. When I found out months later I was pregnant again, it became “un bebe decided to come back!” So now Ive carried un bebe for 7 months now, and I kind of feel like I never really lost them the first time around. This approach isn’t for everone, and I’ve had someone tell me it was disrespectful to the life we lost, but ultimately it was what my husband and I clung to, what go us through. And the point is, everyone grieves differently. Don’t ever question if your feelings are right or wrong, if your husband’s are right or wrong…they just are, and that’s ok. Sending you both lots of light and love.
I am so happy for your and your “bebe” – I pray your little Bebe arrives healthy in two months! 🙂 Thanks for sharing! xoxo
What a beautiful name. I also lost my first son when I was 20 weeks in. 3 days after finding out it was a boy. We named him as well. Jonathan Angel. 2 years later on his anniversary I gave birth to another boy. And I gave him the same middle name because it was just amazing to me he showed up on the same birthday. I just recently gave birth to another baby boy and his middle name in Jonathan now. It’s so hard at first all I can say is that it’s so nice knowing that my 2 sons now have their big brother watching over them and being their Angel.
This is really nice … and what a nice name you chose. 🙂 xoxo
I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I know that lonely feeling you speak of. When we lost our little one I couldn’t get off the couch for weeks. I tried to be there for my family, for my son and husband and I just didn’t have it in me. I would sob off and on all day. I would cry in the shower and just ask “why?” My husband said he understood but after a couple weeks he was ready for me to move on and I just wasn’t. I had never felt so alone and empty in all my life. It was a very dark time. We started trying again right away and have now hit the 3rd trimester with our rainbow baby. Nothing will ever take a way the hurt and I will always miss the child we never got to hold but I tell myself things happen for a reason and this baby is the one destined to be ours. I pray you find some peace in this dark time. Hugs and prayers for you and Doug. Baby Jonathon will be waiting for you some day. <3
Sometimes I am so thankful that I don’t have a little one right now. I couldn’t imagine how to be a “happy mommy” to a little kiddo right now. God bless you, your angel baby, your little boy and your rainbow baby! 🙂 xoxo
Jamie, I’m so sorry you and Doug are dealing with this. We lost our son, Asher, in the second trimester last January. Devastating doesn’t seem like an adequate word to describe the pain in the months immediately following his birth at 14 weeks. I am now a trained bereavement doula, and I walk with people through birth, alive or still, in all trimesters, because every birth, no matter the situation, is STILL a birthday, and so many enduring miscarriage and stillbirth don’t have that support. We have well-meaning cliches that stab us in the heart, and people who WANT to support but don’t know how so they say nothing or avoid us. You’re not crazy, you’re grieving. Do what you need. You will never be the same people you were before Johnathan came into your lives. You will always hurt deeply, but in the coming months you’ll learn to walk with the pain. If you haven’t already, I’d really encourage you to check out stillbirthday.com. They have so many resources for parents walking this path. I speak to local groups about supporting each other through pregnancy and infant loss, and one group put it on their website: http://www.chapelsouthMOPS.com under the “speakers” tab. It might comfort your heart a bit to know you’re not crazy, you’re not alone in all these things you’re experiencing, and there is light on the journey to come.
thank you so much! xoxo
I am so sorry for your loss. I had a time in my life when I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t want to face the world. I couldn’t think without crying. During that time I would find comfort in listening to podcast sermons. One in particular was from New Springs Church with Pastor Perry Noble, he talked about struggles and seasons of depression linked to loss. One thing he said stuck with me and still does when I am struggling. “It’s ok to not be ok, but it’s not ok to stay that way”. I needed to hear that to know that I might not be ok right then but there will come a time when I will feel better. I hope this can give you some encouragement to know minute by minute you are moving in the right direction.❤️
I love this quote. I will remember it. Thank you so much! xoxo
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I lost my daughter when I was 20 weeks pregnant. I had an incompetent cervix and she was born too premature to survive. We named her Savannah Brooke Boutilier. Yesterday July 18th was her 10th angelversary. The pain never goes away as there is no pain like child loss, however in time you do learn how to cope. In honor of my daughter I chose to become a Funeral Director do I too could help grieving families. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a loss. It’s the loneliest isolating grief. My heart is with you both. If you ever would like to reach out to me, I’ve provided my email. Remember to be kind and patient with yourself. ((( hugs)))
I love your Angel baby’s name. Savannah is so beautiful. Thanks for sharing with me. 🙂 xoxo
We are sorry for your loss.We are thinking of you and praying.
Thank you all so very much. It means so much to us that you’re sharing your stories. We didn’t realize how terribly common this seems to be. It makes it feel a bit less lonely.
We love you, Johnathon Edward.
We love you, Jamie Nicole.
XOXO
UNCS-N-M
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Reading this, I so wish I could wrap you in a great big hug 🙁 Precious lady allow yourself the time & space to grieve. This is still a fresh heartbreak so please be kind to yourself. There is healing in tears so hold on to your dear husband & let them flow. You & Doug are in my prayers especially as you walk this painful journey.
I just want to say I am so sorry for your loss. I have been following you and Doug since the beginning of Married At First Sight. I’ve been cheering you guys on hoping you would make it and sure enough you did. I know how bad you wanted a baby, and when I found out you guys were pregnant I was so so happy for the both of you. It was as if you were a good friend and I couldn’t wait to tell everyone. My husband and I have been trying for you yrs to have a baby and still hasn’t happened yet. So I can only imagine how excited you were. There are really no words to say to make it any easier the pain you are going through. One day you will have your rainbow baby and I can’t wait to see your next announcement.
Jamie!
What a beautiful and personal post. Thank you for being so open about your story. My heart goes out to you. I’ve been watching and following your very inspirational story. I just want to send you love, hugs, and comfort during this time.
I love the name! It is the most perfect name. Please reach out for support if you ever want to talk or some place safe to share. My educational fertility focused website http://www.eggsperience.com wants to bring comfort to women in similar situations like yours. You are such a voice for women everywhere!
Thank you for being brave and sharing so much of your life with the world. You are making a difference each and every day. Please know that! Your story is not over. This tragedy is not in vain. Stay strong. Take time for yourself. If you want to stay in bed .. do it … if you want to shut out the world … do it … it is okay!
Sending you love from miles away and wishing you comfort. xo xo xo <3 Valerie
Many oldest son is Jonathan Avery, I love the name you chose. He will always be your first born.
I say this will nothing but love but I swear every single time someone told me all that well meaning crap: it happened for a reason, he was sick, God wanted him, etc I wanted to scream. That didn’t help me cope, I felt it minimized the pain as though I shouldn’t be hurting because of some grand plan I wasn’t aware of. Even after 5 losses and 3 great kids, I still mourn. I didn’t buy that other stuff. Unless you have been told otherwise, we have no idea why. None. Life changes on a dime And leaves us breathless, sometimes on the floor screaming in tears. One day we wake up and find it hurts a little less. Some days it hurts a little more. My husband was very stoic during our losses…on the outside. I later found out he didn’t want me feeling like I had to care for him while my heart was aching. I wish I’d have known so we could’ve grieved together, but maybe it was just easier for him. Above all, you need to feel you can grieve without judgement. Be patient with your heart. Only time really heals this pain.
Jamie and Doug, your sweet little Johnathan Edward, from the instant of conception, was gifted by God with an immortal soul. He is now forever in the Presence of Our Lord and His Holy Angels, ever at the ready to whisper your most heartfelt prayers into the Waiting Ears of Sweet Jesus. My prayers for your healing. God bless and keep you.
I first want to say that I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. I had my first mc in Feb of 2015. Then my second in May 2015. Then I third, in December 2015. The odds of having three are low, but it happened to me. So I understand how hard it was for you feeling like you’d made it to the second trimester and then losing him. God bless you and Doug. I’m excited for your future baby announcement. A rainbow baby! I just know it’ll happen for you. Much love from Louisiana!
I have polycestic overian syndrome and I’m about to get married this year what I been getting is a treatment that really helps women to keep a pregnancy for the baby to be able to develop and be born.check these things out I actually became disabled from childhood shots And I’m a public speaker on what they did to cause me to be disabled.https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neural_therapy#/search http://www.stopmandatoryvaccination.com http://brainadvance.org/health_issues_associated_with_radiation http://www.thepowerofkangen.com
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Jamie and Doug,
As you have heard a million times already, my heard breaks for you and there really are no words for the pain you are both feeling.
I too lost my bubbies at 17 weeks… twin boys. I call them my bubbies because although they were growing in my tummy, I was not their mother. I am a surrogate and I felt, well still feel, as though somehow this had to be my fault on why these two little boys weren’t able to make it to meet their family. It will be two years today that I found out one of the boys was no longer growing and knowing that there was nothing I could do about it but wait the remainder of my pregnancy with him inside was heartbreaking. Two days later, this Wednesday, is when I woke up to find my body betraying me once again, and I delivered/lost baby Connor. While rushed to the ER, I was given more devastating news; I would loose Jacob too 🙁 my heart still hurts for the boys and their family I took from them. I try to stay close to their mother but I know I’m just a reminder of the girl who lost her children.
Unfortunately, nothing covers that pain and forever a tiny piece of your broken heart will remain missing… for that I am truly sorry. I do however believe that naming the boys brought a tiny bit of hope back- hope that someday I will see them again. Know that Johnathan Edward felt both your and Doug’s love and his spirit will be forever with you. Everytime you see his birthday, Everytime you look at the sunset or stars, know he is looking over you.
I wish you both love and peace
XO Shannon
I am so sorry for your loss! I saw on the news last week you were expecting and was heartbroken to see you had lost your precious baby. We’ve lost 3 babies in miscarriage between our first and second sons. There is no pain quite like it, I too retreated. My husband was wonderful throughout our grief, he was very supportive. We too named our babies, and purchased baby angel Christmas ornaments for them, We miscarried before we were able to have ultrasound pictures, and I needed something tangeable to memorialize them. We were blessed with two boys after the miscarriages, I call them our rainbow babies. What helped with my healing, besides time, was watching a show on TLC called a baby story. It helped me see pregnancies that have a happy ending. God bless you and your husband. May God comfort your mommy heart. Hugs and prayers! ~ Angela
Jaime and Doug, I am so sorry for your loss. You have my deepest sympathies. I know first hand the pain, anguish, hurt, agony of losing a baby during the second trimester. I lost my tiny angel Josiah Daniel at 20 weeks and 2 days. He would be 22 years old now if he had survived. I went on to have a beautiful daughter a year after losing Josiah. I still cry at times. I still hurt inside. I still think of him everyday.
So, know that your pain and grief is normal. You will go on and find a place inside to tuck the hurt away. It will come out now and again and pay a painful visit, but you will go on. Remember everything you can. Write it all down and keep it for those times you need the physical connection to your sweet baby boy.
You will find joy in life again. You will find joy in a baby again. It takes time to cope as well as time to heal. Keep ahold of the happiness your sweet Johnathan Edward brought you. Hold on to those memories and keep them strong. Talk about him to your future children and share the love he brought you. I know that has helped me cope. There are days that it all feels like it was yesterday and then days that it feels like a million years ago. Every day brings its own challenge. Remembering your sweet angel and knowing he is always by your side to give you strength will help make it through the hard days.
My thoughts and prayers are with you both. I pray you will have peaceful days and happy days in your future. I pray you have a life filled with the joy of children. You are wonderful people and amazing parents. You will share that gift with more children. I feel it in my heart.
Blessings,
Sharon
In the book “Heaven is for Real” a little boy who visited heaven during a near-death experience talks about a sister who was miscarried before he was born. I have heard other similar stories. God bless you. Still praying for you and Doug.
Jamie- I am so sorry. Miscarriage heartbreak is the absolute worst. I will tell you that your hormones are completely out of control (basically post partem) and that as your hormones stabilize you will feel differently- im not suggesting it won’t still hurt, but I promise the hormones are contributing some to your emotions right now and making it harder to cope. ❤️
Thank you for opening your heart up in such a devastatingly painful time. People will say the most hurtful things without even realizing how damaging they are to your fragile heart. Nonetheless, they are hurtful and you will find yourself wanting to be isolated….because frankly no one understands. The moment you found out you were expecting you had envisioned your whole life, and now it’s gone. The pain is unbearable, but over time you will find the bitterness fades into longing, which fades into nothing but love. Love for your baby and love for one another. As you work to heal your heart, work just as hard to heal your marriage.
I can truly relate to feeling like the crazy lady. After our miscarriage I felt like there came a time that it wasn’t acceptable to cry anymore. Everyone else had “moved on”, but I knew I’d never move one. I was going to have to find a way to move forward. I started by taking my dog for a walk so I could be alone to cry. Then I found I needed more time….time to cry, time to pray, and time to talk to our baby. I started running and before I knew it I was signed up for a half marathon and spent my downtime training. It gave me power over my emotions and my body which I had felt had failed me.
Unfortunately, you are apart of a club. One you’d never want to be apart of, or wish on your worst enemy. I hope you find some comfort in knowing you aren’t alone.
I just wanted to let you know that the reason we picked our daugther’s name “Anneliese” was the exact reason you picked your son’s name-it means gift from God and she really truly is. She was born at 4 pounds and we had all sorts of complications but she’s a little firecracker. We had a miscarriage 4 months before she was conceived and though I was only 7-8 weeks pregnant but it still hurt me to my core. It takes time for the healing and you will always remember your baby even though you’ve never met him and it will make you smile.
Hi, I had a miscarriage when I was supposed to be 14 wks, though I was told the baby stopped growing at 10 wks…reality hit me 6 mos later, I had an anxiety attack and have been having them since off & on! About a year later I dreamt with Angel-that’s what I named him-and in my dream, he smiled at me and whispered to me, “I’m alright”! Since that dream, when I think of him I don’t cry as hard because I feel he’s in Heaven with all those beautiful angels, and I feel peace. The pain doesn’t go away, it just dulls with time, but he know how much we love him and miss him. I wish you many blessings, and may God give you and Doug strength to get through this painful time.
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Jamie,
I feel your pain. 19 years ago I miscarried at a little over 12 weeks pregnant. The sadness I felt was overwhelming. No one could take away my pain and I can’t take away yours. What I can tell you is that I believe it will get better. 5 months after I miscarried I conceived and 9 months later I gave birth to my daughter. What I know for sure is that my daughter never would have been conceived if I hadn’t miscarried and I can’t imagine my life without my daughter. My life got better and I believe yours will too.
Beautiful name for your little boy❤️
I had a miscarriage ,over 40 years ago, between my first and third child. I still wonder who that child would have been. I wonder how the dynamic in our family wouldhave changed. Yes, life goes on, but I wonder how our lives would have been different. Maybe someday I will meet this child that I didn’t get to raise.
Jamie I know how u feel, I suffered a miscarriage back in 2014,it was my first pregnancy as well and it was really hard for me to get over it. I cried for months but I tried keeping myself busy. Its one of the hardest things u can go through, I don’t know what religion you are but I prayed and prayed and prayed, I honestly think thats what helped me get through it honestly. U will never forget and u will always remember,I still do…. but always remember that he will always be with you…..I’m so so sorry for your loss just know that a lot of women go through this, more then you think, and ur not alone, and although it won’t be Jonathan, one day you will have a baby and u will never forget your first but ur second one will bring you just as Much joy as your first!…the name u picked is beautiful!…I love it!….prayers for u and doug
Dear Jamie & Doug ~ you have joined a club that NOBODY wants to be in. I too lost my baby boys when I was 22 weeks pregnant. All the feelings you are experiencing are normal. You are a step ahead in being able to write about it. I clammed up for 2.5 years! I alienated myself from everyone. I felt nobody understood how I felt – and for that time; I was right! Looking back I know I was not only extremely sad, but also really really mad at the world. Why me? Why doesn’t my husband cry? Didn’t he care? Why is everyone else able to go on with life as though my little ones didn’t exist? Why are people so insensitive when they try to make me feel better by saying stuff like – Oh, you’re still young. You’ll have other babies. It’s all for the best. It’s not like it was a “real” baby yet. It’s been a month now, you have to get over it. Yes; those were comments I got. I know they meant well, but it did not help.
My suggestion to you, Jamie, is to follow your heart. If you feel like crying – cry. If you feel like screaming – scream. Don’t let other’s perception of how you “should” be feeling disrupt your true feelings. In time, you WILL heal. However. This will have been your first born regardless.
I pray for your healing. I pray that you truly understand that Doug will mourn in his own way, even if he doesn’t show it. No one can feel that “emptiness” you feel. Your little one occupied YOUR body and no one else’s. It is NORMAL to feel that way.
May you find peace and solace and know that there is a greater plan.
Dont be so hard on yourself allow yourself time to grieve. Your hormones are all out of whack….its only been a week! Keep an eye out for post partum depression….maybe join a support group. Praying for you. Love his name!
This is an incredibly difficult thing for any parent to go through, and you’re right, people grieve differently. I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks, but my husband seemed to be able to manage the day to day activities of life (although I’m sure he was crumbling on the inside). I feel for what you are going through, but I have to admit, I think it’s a little off-putting that you are using these posts to still plug your book. We get it, you wrote a book, that’s great, but these aren’t the type of blog posts to be reminding people of it. Have more respect for the topic and that many people reading your posts have gone through similar experiences. Don’t belittle that by turning what could be a very powerful blog thread into little more than a constant advertorial. By all means, push your book, but just not in posts on such a delicate topic.
Jamie I am SO sorry for your loss! I messaged you once before about loosing our little girl at 23 weeks. She had trisomy 18. My husband was the same way, able to carry on with life. My doctor had to let me know, as much as he loved that little girl and wanted her, it wasn’t as real for him, as it was for me so it would be harder for me. However years later it hit him, at her 4th birthday he lost it and we struggled. Don’t let this tear you guys apart. He felt he had to be strong for me all the time and I was never strong for him. My prayers are with you guys! I hope your rainbow baby comes as fast as you are ready to try! God bless you guys! Both of you take it easy and who cares if they say “there goes that girl…” there is no time limit on grieving, so take all the time you want! If you ever need or want to talk feel free to email me!
I can’t begin to imagine losing a child..my mom n dad lost my sister when she was 17 n my brother June 26 2016 just this passed month..I can’t begin to imagine the death of a child cause the hurt of a sibling is heart breaking but anyways sending prayers ur way n just letting you know that name is perfect for what u are going through..praying for u n your husband..I am not going to tell u it gets better ca use I know it doesn’t..but take n be the best you can be …
Love ,Allison Calp
Crying is the best therapy. Don’t feel like you have to rob yourself of it. Tears mean you have loved. We are all different. It took me well over a month to speak of the miscarriage without tears flowing. My voice still breaks sometimes. It’s a part of you. Something you created and you feel like a total let down. I wish more than anything that I could have heard my babies first heartbeat or even knew what it was. I wish I had that one sonogram to hold on to but all I have is just my memories. Our little bundle passed at 11 weeks. There was no heartbeat at our first sonogram. We were finally wrapping our head around being pregnant again. Our other 2 sons are 15 and 6 so there was definitely an age gap. My 6 year old jumped up and down when we got home from the appointment and begged to see pictures of his new sibling but instead I had to give him sad news and break his heart. The guilt is excruciating. Our lives will go on and one day we may understand a little better but taking it one day at a time is the best thing I can do for now. Much love and peace.
Dearest Jamie and Doug,
Your blog resonates with me so much! My son was born early and was 1 pound 13 ounces. I never got to hold him, they whisked him away to an incubator and 29 days later he went to be with Jesus. I’ve had 3 miscarriages since. The empty feeling you have is so incredibly normal. Feeling like life goes on while you are stuck, is also normal. Doug can’t possibly feel the level you do because you held your darling Baby Johnathan inside of you. You won’t get over it, you will simply find a new normal after a while. You live now for Johnathan and carry your love for him with you. He will send you messages in butterflies and sunsets of his love pouring down to you. It is never goodbye, it is til we meet again. I am praying for you and for Doug, you are so loved and thought of.
Jamie…my heart weeks for you and Doug. There is no timeline for grief so be kind to yourself and be sure, as a couple, you lean into each other to make it through this experience. Doug is grieving.…a man as kind and sensitive as he seems to be is brokenhearted too.Jonathan Edward is a beautiful name for a tiny angel. Trust that your angel will always be part of your heart. Trust that you will be happy again. Trust that there will be more babies to fill your life with happiness. Look ahead with hope and you will find your blessings.
Be proud of yourself for getting out for a walk. I felt like I could barely move for a month when I miscarried at 15 weeks. The emotional and psychological part of this is hard enough but it also takes a huge physical toll on the body (plus hormonal changes). Just feel what you feel and let that process happen. You don’t have to force a smile when it hurts so bad. You picked a beautiful name. Speak it often and slowly you will feel more love and less pain.
I just read your blog post Jamie and it’s so beautiful and yet heart breaking at the same time. I love the name 🙂 and the reasons behind it. I agree grief is totally different for everyone and I love that you and Doug love each other enough to allow each other to process the loss in the best way each other can and not allow yourselves to become frustrated or allow anger to fill your hearts when the other is processing in a different way. This has forever changed you both but it doesn’t have to be in a bad way. This loss has the power to bring you both closer together, to become even stronger, and to in turn become even more ready to adore your future little one. When you spoke of your little girls name, my heart skipped a beat and i just feel you baby girl is on her way to you. Perhaps Jonathan was her guarding angel? Sacrificing oneself to ensure his sister would be in the very best of hands :). I heard somewhere that the opposite to death isn’t life, it’s birth. Too often people link the idea of life and death as though they are opposites. Life.. It has no opposite. It’s one of Gods miracles which can ever fully be explained and more importantly can never bend to fit time lines or human expectation. 🙂 Jonathan was an angel 🙂 pure and simple and he had a life 🙂 a beautiful one where he was loved and cherished more than many people who live to be 100 in this life… and that’s all down to you and Doug. By some standards yes, his life was cut short… But by the overlooking eyes and hands of God, his life was complete because he had you. Some people live their whole lives long trying to find what he had. I truly believe this 🙂 and I feel like because you and Doug had an unexplainable pull towards the decision of a girls name, it’s because both of your souls are connected to her… And I believe with all that I am that she is already yours; she’s just waiting for her debut where this name she already wears proudly in heaven. I will continue to pray for you both and know that time will heal this wound though it will never make it disappear. Sometimes I think we hold on tightly to the tears and to the sadness because we fear that once we let that pass and embrace life’s happiness & continue to have gratitude for this life that that means we have somehow forgotten the person whom we lost… It’s like they never happened or something. Well Jonathan did happen and he would want his mommy & daddy to smile :). He was loved and more importantly for you to remember that, although short by some standards, he LIVED :), and oh what a life he had :). It was filled to the brim with love and he had pride filled parents by his side. Xox thinking of you both. So sorry for the long post.. I just felt compelled to write to you after reading your blog and honestly just deep down it’s like sometbing told me to tell you a baby girl is on her way.. Ushered in by her big brother Jonathan. @jamienotis @doughehner
I love the name Johnathan Edward! It is very handsome and I love the meaning behind it too. I think it is so good to have a name to remember him by. He did and does exist. He was and is special, he loved and still loves you very much.
I have gone through such losses myself and it never gets easier and the waves of grief are real and they will hit you when you think you finally are having an O.K. day. It’s normal, it’s good too to cry and to vent to God and to pour your heart out to Him. I was real, raw and decided that it was not the time to hold back on my feelings- including the times I begged God to send me my baby back.
It has been years since we lost the one so far along in our pregnancy but I now mark time by our losses. Not in an unhealthy way but in a way of validating our son’s existence (and the other baby’s existences) in our lives. Our son has aged along with us, I realize he’d be a toddler now and I know someday I will mark the day when he’d be entering school, graduating high school and the age at which he may have gotten married. And this is normal.
And there will be moments you will cry at seeing his name somewhere or hearing a song or just a smell or scent to remind you. And suddenly too there are pregnant women everywhere- blissfully pregnant unaware that you can lose a baby in the second trimester, pregnant teens who look scared, pregnant women who are complaining about their changing bodies- it all hurts.
While the world seems to go on, your heart does not- at least not in the same way. He will always be your firstborn son and your next child will always have a big brother. My experiences have changed me deeply. I am far more empathetic, far more understanding and I have a much deeper appreciation of what a pregnancy might mean (and yes, I am way more on edge when I get pregnant as we have suffered so many losses).
Allow yourself to cry, to sleep, to scream and to crumble in a heap. There were so many times I fell to my knees and buried my head in my lap, unable to move because of the sobs.
“Moving on” and “miscarriage” are words I prefer to never hear. There is no moving on, just moving forward, slowly, painfully, until acceptance sinks in and sadness is replaced by other joys that you allow in to keep you afloat. But your child is never replaced or forgotten. And miscarriage is such a “light” term that does not cover such a great loss. This was a baby, a child, a person- who had life, who you longed for and dreamed about and made life plans around. That world is shattered and no one can understand either (unless they’ve been through it) how hard it is to go through a delivery and pain without a joyful result and how difficult it is to go through the afterbirth process while bleeding and being physically sore. Your whole body aches for that baby to be back in his place, warm and safe.
Never blame yourself and don’t fret when you ask why and there are no answers. I had to keep telling myself that God is sovereign and that the why may never come. But peace can and the knowing that your son is bathed in complete joy and love is some comfort. He is not alone and is being carried around in heaven by the angels as they all wait in line for their chance to hold him.
And, sometimes I wonder if our children look at us through heaven’s nursery window and exclaim to the other children who gather around them, “You see that beautiful woman and that handsome man down there? Well, they’re MY parents! Look at them, aren’t they SO amazing?! And she held me in her belly and rubbed me and talked to me and she had the BEST voice ever! I know they love me so much and I love them too!”
I am sending my prayers for you both that you have strength, peace and that you will find joy again. HUGS!
Jamie & Doug, I’ve truly waited for you to announce a baby for so long. I don’t know why, you really didn’t owe it to anyone, but after reading your book I knew how much you both wanted a baby. My heart aches and I cry every time I see the posts and photos. I have so many questions, only because like you, I’ve been there. I lost 2 babies. I lost my first baby, which is I feel (after losing 2) MUCH more difficult then losing a baby after you have a baby. The first born is always such a HUGE joy. I’m glad you named your baby boy. Jonathan is a strong, powerful, amazing name. You picked well. There will be more babies for you. After losing my first I never felt that would ever be the case. But it was. The grieving process is ugly and can be long. And your job, Jamie, makes it even harder. Take your walks, cry when you need to, who cares what others think, they didn’t just lose their baby, you did. Stay as strong as you can. It’s hard. I went on 2 years later (I was traumatized to try again) to have my baby girl (who ended up being a NICU scare at 31 weeks 2 days) and even as a teen (15), I hate when she’s not home to say good night, give kisses and tuck in. When we were TTC baby #2 it took 2 years. I had a lot of bleeding and thought it was going to be a miscarriage. I cried every day. I was so worried and scared from the first time. As it turns out at 13 weeks I did lose *A* baby, but this was a set of fraternal twins (we had no idea it was twins until this point, I actually was in the doctors office miscarring). Baby A was gone but Baby B (nicknamed Bubba till this day) was safely attached and tucked in. Baby B carried to term at 38 weeks. After all of that I did an IUD. I was pretty sure I was done because pregnancy was too scary and losing the babies was too much. I couldn’t handle it. Later we would decide to be done and add a fur baby and further complicatations ended with a hysterectomy, but both of the babies have special boxes. I kept the bands from when they scanned them. Any Ultrasound photos, any keepsakes that you have. Maybe you can put one of the items from your South Africa trip in there that is just for him and will always be only his (since Doug joked that’s where he was going to make a baby). You can look at the keep sake box forever. One HUGE HUGE piece of advice is to take your Ultaspund photos to Office Max or Fed Ex Express and see if they can laminate them. Ask before they do it. They did do mine and they didn’t melt or anything but I do have some from my daughter and they are now 15 years old and the quality is fading. If you don’t want to risk losing the photo or they aren’t sure, make copies of the photo, and laminate the copies. Just so they will hold forever and ever for y’all. May peace be with you. Parents should never know the loss of a child. Let yourselves grieve however that may be. Know that we all love you, think of you often and are praying for y’all. ((hugs))
Dear Jamie and Doug,
Your journey is difficult and bittersweet and I wish you nothing but love.
Jamie, when you write about how you each cope, I keep hoping someone has told you and keeps watch over you because your hormones are having a huge impact. Post-partum depression is not exclusive to a full-term pregnancy and it is compounded by your grief. God bless you and Doug and best wishes.
We recently lost our firstborn at 26 weeks. We already had a name picked out for him. Like you, our son carries my husbands middle name as his middle name as well. Liam Caleb Meadows. It has hurt him a little because he thinks he will never be able to name anymore of our children after him but I told him that isn’t true. I love the name you picked out as well! Please don’t listen to things people say such as ” he was too precious for this world or God needed him more.” I know those things hurt me more than they helped. I needed him! He was supposed to be MY baby! I asked God why he would do this to us. God didn’t do this. Science did. I am so in awe of your strength and ability to write about your experienece. It is so hard to share something so personal with a world that can be so judgmental. Don’t feel like you are not doing okay by grieving. You are completely justified and allowed to feel the way you do and do the things you are doing. Some days I still feel as if I can’t get out of bed. Some days I dont. But then there are other days that I do just to show my little man that I am continuing life in his honor. I remind myself to try to live my best life and show him that I am trying to be the best grieving mother I can be to my angel. I always feel like I could talk forever about the subject and loss of my child. I know that even through my own experience I still sometimes don’t have the right words to say. Please just know that you are in our prayers!
J, James 1:13 proves God had nothing to do with this tragic loss but it more what Ecclesiastes 9:11 states happened. I invite you to check out JW.org because all the answers you need and want are in your bible and this site only helps facilitate finding the answers and help you navigate your bible with ease. God can comfort you with the truth of why these tragedies happen and the hope you have to see your baby again. hope this helps you
My prayers are with you and your husband. No woman or family should go through this, you must be one strong lady and i know you must feel alone. Feeling sad that you had this bubble of love in your stomach, this precious gift that you swore to always protect while he was inside of you and more importantly protect when he came into this world. But know this he will always be protected and loved. He is with the lord now, my condolences are with you Jamie.
My prayers are with you and your husband. No woman or family should go through this, you must be one strong lady and i know you must feel alone. Feeling sad that you had this bubble of love in your stomach, this precious gift that you swore to always protect while he was inside of you and more importantly protect when he came into this world. But know this he will always be protected and loved. He is with the lord now, my condolences are with you Jamie.
YOUR REVIEW
Very beautiful Jamie.
Wow, Jamie, you have been through so much! Do not expect to be able to just bounce back from such a traumatic event! You felt his life inside you and saw evidence that he was there when you looked in the mirror. There is no way that healing will come without time, prayer, and lots of tears. So sorry for the process ahead. But you will get through.
Interesting, I wanted multiple children all my life, but didn’t get married until later in life and my fertility was gone. We started the adoption process about 1 1/2 years after we married and had several false starts to possible adoptions with a failed adoption last year. Just one week ago today! we got a call that will change our lives forever. We were told of a baby boy born ten weeks premature who our adoption agency offered to place with us. And we said yes! And we named him . . . Jonathan, a name that I’ve loved since my mid twenties, but didn’t find out the meaning of until the last five or six years, Our little guy is in the NICU but doing quit well considering.
We had given up hope, Jamie. But there is hope. Babies are on your heart for a reason. Trust in the Lord and he will lead you and guide you, Many prayers for you.
Blessings to you and Doug.
Thank you Jamie for sharing this with us. That is a beautiful name. I send you, Doug, and Jonathan love and prayers.
Thank you Jamie for sharing this with us. That is a beautiful name. I send you, Doug, and Jonathan love and prayers.
YOUR REVIEW
What a wonderful name and I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our son, Levi, at 25 weeks 1 year ago. I definitely can identify with the feelings you’re having, the aching emptiness is so overwhelming at times. You’re family is in my thoughts and I wish you all the best in the future. Don’t lose hope that one day you will have another precious baby to hold and raise into a wonderful and kind human like yourself.
What a lovely name. Jamie you’re a strong lady & this subject isn’t talked about enough. By speaking out & writing about your struggle after a miscarriage will definitely help another mother that’s going through the same thing. Have you thought about finding a support group? It may help to talk with other women. Also, I’m sure Doug is still grieving as well & you’re right everybody grieves differently. I’m glad he’s being your rock right now & I’m sure you’re being his rock too. Remember there isn’t a time limit on grieving.
Jamie and Doug,
I am thinking of you both. I know how hard it is to lose something so precious to you both. I also experienced a miscarriage before my daughter was born and one after she was born. It is so difficult to wrap our heads around how this little blessing was taken from us so suddenly. I also questioned that if there is a loving God then why would this happen. I just told myself as you have done that there is certainly a bigger job that needed to be done elsewhere.
Do not beat yourself up with how you are grieving and/or how long it will take you to feel normal again.
I have followed your story since the beginning and I know with the love you share for each other that you will get through this minor speed bump.
Love,
Lori Atkins
Richmond, Virginia
God doesn’t, didn’t, and never will take such a good thing(s) such has a baby. For the devil comes to kill, still, and destroy! but I would like you to know that I will be praying for your healing and that you will find a peace in the whole situation, and pray that your next kid will be healthy and bring you and Doug the most joy you will ever have experienced. hugs and love
YOUR REVIEW
Jamie, my heart just breaks for you. From my own experience, the only words that mattered were from my husband — “I love you and I’m here for you.” Really, there are no other words that help because they don’t change a darn thing. Yes it wasn’t meant to be but that doesn’t make one feel any better. Let your feelings happen and lean on Doug as much as you need (because he probably needs it too). Heartfelt hugs to you both.
So beautiful. Move on your own speed there aren’t any rules. Take care
Ciao carissima Jamie, ti scrivo dall’Italia. Mi dispiace tantissimo per quello che ti è successo.
Ti abbraccio forte . Un abbraccio a Jonathan Edward.
Ti voglio bene.
it’s ok to cry, you need to grieve. my husband did the same as Doug. He would never talk about it and I cried, just cried all the time. I never made it to my first ultrasound. I’ve lost so many ppl and been through so many things but this was the hardest. I finally decided I needed to do something.. I didn’t want to plant a tree or let balloons go… I got a Christmas ornament in memory of my miscarriage and I seem to be a little ok and then we got surprised we are expecting our rainbow baby June 2016. I sit here holding my rainbow baby in tears of hurt for yall. I believe yall will be holding yalls rainbow baby. please don’t give up… just like me, you were meant to be a mom
I too had a miscarriage at that time frame. I wish I would’ve thought to name my little one. Luckily, we were able to try again and now I will have a one year old on the 20th of July. Things will get better, I promise you. I’m so glad you have chose to share your experience!!! It helped me move on. God bless.
Absolutely Beautiful! Thanks for sharing! My husband and I continue to pray for you guys. May God bless you and comfort you and give you strength. Just BE in the now and take one step at a time. In due time God will give you your spark back and give you happiness . In the mean time, don’t be too hard on yourself. Give yourself time to process and know you’re not alone. Love you guys!
What a lovely name. Jamie you’re a stronger lady & trust me you’re helping somebody cope with their lost too. This is a subject that’s not talked about enough & by speaking out & writing about your struggles after a miscarriage will definitely help another mother to be that’s going through the same thing. Also, it may be helpful to find a support group.
God Bless you both!!
Please be strong。
Time will tell。
Sleep well， do whatever u want。 let your body recover first。
Gifts from God will never end。
I am from Hong Kong 。
What a beautiful name for your forever sleeping baby boy!!!
I had a misscarrige at 16 weeks but never named the baby. I was so heart broken but got pregnant 2 months later and had a beautiful baby girl. I still think about the baby I lost and if it was a boy or a girl. That was 36 years ago.
Johnathan Edward is such a wonderful name. There’s no rush to grieving and you should do it at your own pace. I’m so sorry Jamie. It doesn’t seem fair. Much love! Summer
I love you and Doug! I’m just so saddened by all of this, I’ve followed you since day 1! I know that he is smiling down and watching over you! Just know one day you will meet him! I know you will get pregnant again but when the time is right!
What a beautiful name. Love the meaning behind it. My first son has my husband’s name as his middle name and my second son shares his dad’s middle name as his middle name too.