Married At First Sight: The First Year S2 Ep 4
It’s Not Getting Easier
I’m sorry if I’m beginning to sound like a broken record, but I don’t even know how to begin blogging for Married at First Sight: The First Year without saying how miserable this season has been for me/us to re-live. And episode 4 wasn’t any easier to watch.
It begins with Doug and me chatting about my ex. Or more like me crying to my husband about my past love. I know, I know – it even sounds wrong as I sit here typing it out. But you can refrain from sending me your hate mail because I’ve already heard it all.
I’ve been called every name in the book, but I’ll spare you the details. If you’re dying to know just look at my Instagram feed. What I find most astounding isn’t that people have had the audacity to reach out to me saying I don’t deserve him as a husband and he should leave me, but they are reaching out to my husband and telling him to run, leave, go fast! WHAT?! Can you imagine? You’re going through a really bad fight with your partner – where you know, and admit, you are definitely 99.9% wrong – and everyone in the world is telling him to “divorce her, you’re better off without her….”
When is Honesty the Best Policy?
I thought honesty was always the best policy. I mean c’mon, do you think I wanted to tell my husband I was having feelings for my ex? Do you think I even wanted those feelings to creep up on me? Of course not! I felt as if I was already cheating on him just by thinking about my ex and I hadn’t even made one move. I thought it was the right thing to tell my husband how I was feeling. I didn’t think it’d be fair to Doug if I just lied through my teeth about what I was really thinking. Plus, we both knew something was wrong. Gone were the days that we had puppy love and excitement for each other.
Doug Talks To His Brother
Obviously Doug’s brother doesn’t have a whole lot nice to say. I couldn’t imagine what I’d have to say to my sister if she told me her husband was thinking about his ex. Nonetheless, it’s still so hurtful to hear my brother in law basically tell Doug it may be time to move on from our relationship. Has anyone else ever struggled with doubt? Am I the only person who has ever wondered what could have been with an ex? I’m not saying I am right – as a matter of fact, I feel 100% wrong for having these feelings – but does anyone understand where I am coming from?
I Married a Stranger, Not My Best Friend
The fact of the matter is that I didn’t know how Doug felt about me. I didn’t know how I felt about him. The only thing I knew for sure was that I once had a very happy, healthy relationship… and the state Doug and I were in was not happy nor was it healthy. Truth is, we still barely knew each other. Everything about our relationship had been in fast forward with no time to just be. I didn’t know how long we’d live being so miserable together if something didn’t change. This was the worst it had ever been. So, I figured I’d go first and say how I was really feeling since Doug isn’t one to open up about his feelings. I didn’t want to sugar coat anything – and as far as the fact that we were filming a TV show- I wasn’t going to fake a smile for the cameras just so we could look like the “all American couple” on TV. I’ve only known one way my whole life and that’s to be real and genuine. It hasn’t led me astray … yet.
And to give you a bit of behind the scenes – Doug and I were barely speaking to each other, let alone seeing each other. Of course we still lived in the same house, but it was like roommates who didn’t like each other. Doug would go off to work at 8:40 in the morning and sometimes it’d be 10 at night before he came home. When he got in he’d make a sandwich and head upstairs to go to sleep. We were having serious problems that needed to be solved. We were not happy together.
All I longed for was to be genuinely happy – for Doug to be genuinely happy. Who wants to be in a loveless marriage without any intention of building a family? If that was the case on his end, I’d want to know sooner rather than later so we could both just move along and go find sincere happiness. Because let’s be honest, you only get one short life on Earth. To spend it with someone who makes you grind your teeth and pull your hair out is crazy. I didn’t want to do that to him or myself.
Sexy Pole Dance
Did I just say ‘sexy?’ Errr, I meant ‘try embarrassingly hard to be sexy’ while dancing around a pole. And this pole happens to be your husband. Haha! Where’s the laughing cat emoji when you need one!
Listen, I am trying my best here. I don’t know what the secret recipe is to having a genuinely happy relationship. (Duh, I needed four experts to find me a husband – lol) But, I am giving it my all. I just don’t want to throw on rose colored glasses and go around “in love” when we aren’t sincerely there. I want to be there. I want to live it. I want to FEEL it. And I think I’ve made it clear that I won’t – I can’t – just fake it. I don’t think anyone should.
What to Expect Tonight
Married at First Sight: The First Year episode 5 is on at 9 tonight. Ugh, literally torture to watch and relive these tough times. And then hear from everyone in America how I am no good for my husband. But, tonight will be fun because I take Doug fencing. Yeah, because fencing is oh SO fun. …Actually, surprisingly, it was kind of fun. Doug won’t admit it, but I kicked his butt. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I’d go fencing in my spare time. But hey, you do what you have to do to make your marriage work.
Jamie Otis
56 comments
Wish you everlasting love.
thanks so much! 🙂
Dear Jamie,
I am from Germany and since I’ve seen you and Doug in Married at first sight, I am a really big supporter of you as a couple. Even now I follow the steps you take (thx to YouTube I can stay up-to-date). What I want to say is, that you impress me with how you deal with all your emotional struggles – both of you. I am single now for a long time and one reason for that is, that I am too scared about telling guys how I feel, why I struggle and why I am too scared to go one step further with them. When you both decided to marry each other, you didn’t know about the future. And now that there are hard times, both of you try to do anything that your marriage will work out and grow stronger. You asked Dr. Pepper for help because you saw, that you needed some. That is something a lot of people wouldn’t even admit-that they simply need help from the outside. Please, keep up guys.. In the end all of it will be worth it. Push yourself, try to work on you, grow together! (well said from someone who is single for ages , haha).. I send you and Doug lots of love from Germany!
LEAVE A COMMENT
Jamie, first i want to say i commend you so much for being open and honest in the blog. i can’t imagine the amount of vitriol you’re getting for being what we all are – imperfect – so first i want to give you some love: you are SO ADMIRABLE in so many ways. you are determined and motivated, you are responsible, you are lOVING AND KIND, you have fought so many battles and you have come so far. you should know this in your heart – you are worthy, you are enough. you really, really, really deserve happiness AND EVERYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES. and you will get it, but first you must KNOW YOU ARE DESERVING.
part of the reason i don’t judge you is because I see so much of me when i watch you…your high standards of perfect, lack of trust, fear of intimacy…what i see is someone who is still living in the wounds of the past and thus blocking the reality of the love-filled present. for instance, when you said that reminding doug to clean up after himself took you back to yelling at your sisters and having to be a caretaker, it resonated with me — this wound is not healed. i believe that major shortcomings of a lot of therapy is that it focuses on strategies to deal with now “use a different tone of voice’,, ‘do things together’ without going to the source – truly excavating, accepting, and moving foward from the past. have you heard of Adult Children of Alcoholic literature? Or inner child healing? I began this work INTENSELY this past summer and it truly works. jamie, you deserve everything your heart desires. you are not meant to suffer and be hurt. you did not get the childhood that you deserved, nor the parents. but it is okay, you can heal now…Lisa A Romano on youtube, Beverly Banov Brown (on Youtube), Pia Mellody, Melanie Beattie…these women have helped me so much on my healing path. Being an adult child of alcoholics, a codependent, an Empath..they are causes, they are not sentences to destiny. you are so loved jamie. please don’t let these wounds sabotage your future. i hope this message is helpful and not harmful. Thank you for sharing your truth.
Hi Jamie,
I admire your willingness to be honest and open to Doug. Even though it was a tough thing to do, and could easily be misunderstood, it seems that many relationships are destroyed by passiveness, by a lack of communication. Sure you’ve made mistakes, but, although the internet will be the internet, it’s a huge shame that so many are willing to throw the first stone, 2nd stone, etc. Those people have no clue how hard it is to build a marriage. For what it’s worth, you and Doug have my support and I admire that you’re willing to do the hard work. I’m praying that God blesses your marriage.
Jamie, I feel so bad for you guys, but it seems your honesty is pushing Doug further away. I think that most people think about their ex’s at different times in their lives, and that is something that you just have to work thru. But to tell Doug about it, really hurt his feelings, you can see it in his eyes. He loves you and you love him, and the reason he doesn’t want to buy a house or especially have a baby at this point, is because you still talk about your ex. I totally get where you are coming from, trust me, been there and done that. We always think the grass is greener on the other side, and when we realize it’s not, it is too late. By then we have lost the best thing that has ever happened to us. I want you guys to make it, I think you are so cute and adorable together. Just try to push thoughts out of your mind about the ex, and try to re-assure Doug, that you are into him only.
Hi Jamie!
I haven’t seen the episode you are referring to but after reading your blog and a few other comments- just wanted to say I feel I was were you are or were. What if you feel you and Doug aren’t connecting so you’re going back to a time you felt a strong connection. I believe that we can feel those feelings without huge indication that a relationship is over. You’re mourning a feeling that you may very well be able to find just as strong again with Doug. First though, go back mentally to your past relationship. Why did you break up. What were the facts of that relationship and are you amplifying these feelings just because you are yearning them from Doug? And we’re they real feelings with your ex? I guess what I’m trying to suggest is- break down your feelings to fact using your brain instead of your heart. Then maybe you can see things in a different perspective which will then free your heart to focus on your current relationship.
Either way , much love and peace over you through all this. ❤️
Jamie, I have followed you and Doug from the beginning and I certainly understand how difficult it would be to marry a stranger and begin a completely new life with that person…all the while hoping you fall in love with them. But Jamie….you CHOSE to do this. I’m sure when you started this journey with Doug, you didn’t realize you still had such strong feelings for your ex. But, now you do and you have another choice, which is obvious to everyone, including you. You and Doug both deserve happiness, you both are good people. But…maybe it’s time you moved on and pursued those feelings for your ex, and let Doug move on as well. He will experience pain if you do…but he’s experiencing pain now by hearing about your feelings for another man. I wish you both well and I hope you find the happiness that you are seeking, may God bless.
Thanks for your support – either way. That means a lot to both of us. XO
You’re not alone. I think the difference is, most of us go through it without the world knowing about it, which probably makes it a lot easier to deal with, since you don’t have people actively TRYING to break you up.
I know I don’t know you, but to me, because of what you’ve been through you’re all about feeling safe. Though your ex isn’t the best option (because if he were, he wouldn’t be your ex), he’s familiar, comfortable. But just because something seems to be better, doesn’t mean it is. Doug loves the hell out of you, but I think Dr. Pepper was right, tell him what you’re thinking about your ex must have really hurt his heart. Yes, honesty is the best policy, but there is a better way to do it! Instead of saying that you’re thinking about your ex, think about what you’re missing in your relationship with Doug… SOMETHING is pulling you away from him. Try to figure out what that is and talk to him about THAT. Your Ex is just a collateral action, it’s not the REASON you’re feeling that way towards your husband. You can be pretty rough on him sometimes, and it’s definitely a learning process. You’ve been through so much, you have a tough exterior, but I think that toughness also causes you to say things that are kind of brash. I used to be like that too. So believe me, it’s a process, but your mindset can change if you work on it. You can start with, instead of seeing all the things Doug isn’t, concentrate on what he IS to you. He really is a magnificent man. He’s not perfect, but I really think that in all the places that matter, he’s great! Don’t be so hard on yourself, Jamie! You’re basically still new in your marriage (so it’s good you DON”T have babies, yet, because you have to first get secure in your marriage), but what’s the rush?? Concentrate on your communication and when you’re having heart to hearts, keep thinking, how would I take this if Doug had said it to me? and just keep adjusting. The more you work on how your words are delivered and received, the easier it gets. It’s so easy to speak to people from your “safe space”, like you’re Thorin talking to Bart thought that long hole in the Hobbit movie (sorry, forgot to throw the Nerd alert). It was safe annd you could say anything because you’re protecting yourself from the consequences. Your ex is a safety net that you may need to put away, at least until you’re happy in your marriage again… but personally, I would just let him go because your marriage is more important.
I’ve babbled enough, but I guess I just really hope that you both find the happiness you both deserve!
Jamie, please relax. You can inadvertently bring down a building, brick by brick, just by chipping away at it. Focus on something besides “the marriage”. Listen to how your own sharp tone of voice turns snarky towards your target when you feel confused or self-righteous. Find a life focus that explores your own goals and talents, and just appreciate the good qualities of the people in your life. Let’s hear a discussion about how to build a sandwich, or the mideast political mess, or dog training…. anything except re-hashing “the marriage”. He’s not just The Hubs. He’s an athlete, a friend, a chef… anything that shifts the relationship toward him as a whole person. With enough barbs, eventually even Doug will suspect that there’s someone better for him out there. Marriages are not a bracelet to adorn the marketing of ourselves. Kindness please.
I think in relationships you’ll always have “doubt”, you know? I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 4 years and I still think about my exes, like characteristics that they had or things they did that my current boyfriend doesn’t. It’s really minor because deep in my heart, I know that I won’t have this amazing relationship that I have right now with any of them. They are exes for that reason. Granted, I actually don’t talk with any of them.. I think it’s best to severe ties. I honestly think Doug is pretty cool for being so cool with it. I don’t know any guys who would be. Would you be cool with Doug being so cool and close with an ex lover?
And.. family isn’t always going to love you. Lol. It’s the hard truth, but the truth nonetheless. You have to be you and not trying to impress everyone all the time. My boyfriend’s sister doesn’t like me. But meh, I’m doing what’s best for me and my boyfriend and she’s trying to do what’s best for her family and my boyfriend. We have different end goals so we’re going to go about things differently. ANNDD, it’s only going to get harder. I think in the beginning of the relationship (first years), you’re more “muted” and trying to impress family more than being yourself. Then when you’re together for a few years, you become a bit more vocal. That’s just my experience, especially when dealing with a family who’s so involved.
Jamie I admire your honesty and you remind me of myself 30 years ago. I’ve always been open with my husband even when it hurt us both. I still would do the same just maybe wording it more delicately. Please keep talking things out and maybe Doug will feel less pressured and bring up baby or buying house subject on his own. Let me know how it works for you and patience my sweet girl!
Jamie, I am SOOOO sorry that you had to go through that (as well as Doug). I can’t imagine what it would be like, to have a rough patch in your marriage and THEN on top of that receive hate mail and messages! Social media can be a bitch sometimes I guess… Just know that there ARE people out there who support YOU and your marriage 100%! Don’t listen to those haters! Because what I’ve learned from you is that no matter what gets in your way, you persevere and you are stronger because of it. You are one hell of a fighter that’s for sure! You got this girl 😉 <3
As one who has been through a marriage that had difficulties due to feelings for an ex, I can that it say that it nearly fell apart because I could not give up the ex. If you are going to make it work with Doug, you have to cut ties with the ex. Doug can’t play second fiddle.
Thanks both of you for being so real. Continued prayers for you. My one feedback for you Jamie, be careful what you tell yourself, you are your biggest audience. Your relationship isn’t Miserable, maybe I would say that our relationship is struggling right now. Much luck 🙂
I’ve been married for 46 years and I’m here to tell you it’s not easy! I admire you for being truthful with Doug. Lying is no way to make a marriage work. You will have problems here and there all throughout your marriage, but if you love him at all you’ll get it worked out. I’m pulling for both of you. You, Doug, Courtney & Jason are my favorite couples. Wishing the best for you and Doug. Give your best shot Jamie
I’m glad I read this, Jamie. Mostly because we on the outside of the tv miss so much. My husband and I have been married for 2 and a half years and we were only together for about 8 months before that when we found out I was pregnant. Our situations are different but alike in that we both got thrown into an unexpected roller coaster. I didn’t know what I was really getting into until the night of our honeymoon. We fought for an entire week at the beach. I came home thinking my life would be hell; and it was for about a year. My husband got saved and we both picked each other up and moved forward. And now here we are still in love. Notice I said “still.” My point is, we don’t realize what people are talking about when they say you don’t realize what marriage is like and you don’t know the real person until you’re married. There’s ups and downs and way-ups and way-downs. And sometimes in those weak moments when we feel hopeless in a marriage we thought would be like a fairytale, the devil plays with our thoughts and emotions. Don’t let anyone make you believe that you’re alone and that your marriage has been the only one that’s tough. If I had a quarter for every time I thought “it’s not supposed to be this bad” I’d be a rich woman. Don’t give up yet. You have an opportunity to prove your marriage to a “divorce” world. It doesn’t have to be an option for everyone.
Jamie,
I’m watching yalls show right now. I want to first apauld you for being open and honest with Doug. That’s hard to do. That being said, I want to say you’re making a HUGE mistake keeping any kind of contact with your ex. You probably already know that too. You as a married woman cannot have men in your life, in any capacity, who may bring about emotional, romantic feelings. Same with Doug. What if he kept bringing up an ex girlfriend? What if he said he can’t stop thinking about someone else? You are not respecting your relationship with him by having association with your ex.
Jamie, I wonder why you went through with the second ceremony if you weren’t sure about your feelings for Doug.
You can’t keep saying “I know I’m 99.9% wrong… I feel so horrible” and then continue to justify your actions and feelings. You are either sorry, or your not. I thought you like to be genuine? That’s not genuine. Just like your apologies to Doug in the last two episodes. They were not genuine at all. You need to practice humility and selflessness. No one thinks your wrong for having those feelings, your wrong for bringing them to your husbands attention and for trying to meet with your ex again and using your sister as a pawn.
Thank you for giving the background to your situation with Doug. It was the necessary piece to the puzzle that everyone was missing, which is why I think they vilified you so harshly and undeservedly at first. I think people assumed that you two still had a great intimate connection and that you were just not capable of being satisfied, when the truth seems to be that the connection you and Doug once had had faded, and you were left to wonder if you could ever get it back again. Who here hasn’t been in that situation? Doubt comes in EVERYTHING we do. Career. Friendships, Family. Relationships. Thank you for opening up a little bit as to what CAUSED you to feel that way. I think the audience will be far more understanding and sympathetic once they realize the cause of your hesitation. It may feel like the pressure of the whole world is on your shoulders to make it work, but don’t be afraid to make the choice that brings you the most amount of peace. Best wishes to you and Doug!
Jamie, I hope that you’re able to hang in there. Don’t let the negative comments get to you. Yes, it’s hard to watch, but those that are so quick to judge are basing that on heavily-edited footage on a TV show, which I suspect is edited to maximize the drama. After all, that’s what gets the ratings, right? Only you and Doug know what’s really going on, and that’s OK. I must admit, though, that the romantic in me is really pulling for you guys make it. You started this with a challenge that others don’t face, and making it work for this long is an achievement. Just don’t give up on the work ahead. As you know, it isn’t easy, but then few things worth having are. Keep your head up and keep fighting!
I live in Canada and I could not see the episode. I know as a woman who lived in a very abusive family that I have learned to survive in kaos and drama. Now as an adult I have come to the reality that even though I hated my environment growing up I have been recreating it in my life now. Sick as that is I am feeling that you are doing the same. It is hard to change living what you have known for so long. That much kaos can also be an addiction in itself. Adding your ex into what is and could be a long lasting healthy relationship could be your way of needing help. I so hope your marriage last and you both have a life of much happiness. 🙂
Jamie, after reading your blog here and watching the shows episodes I really want to say that both of you are working really hard to make it work in your marriage. Marrying someone you already know fow 2 years (my case) is hard enough, but, you both are really brave in marrying without knowing each other. I don’t think you should feel sad for what other people are telling you or your husband to do or which way to take on your relationship. You guys have been very corageous and a lot brave to show ” America” how your married life is truly. You are a honest and sincere person and so is Doug. I think you guys are great together and marriage is a lot of work because you need to build it from scratch. Marriage is not all the time roses…it is tornadoes, hurricanes, thunders and when those moments happen, it makes you guys stronger. Continue to be yourself and him too and you guys are going to be wonderful. I have 15 plus years of marriage and sometimes it’s roses, sometimes it is not and when it isn’t, we try to work it out….just like you both are doing….and remember one thing: you didn’t know each other before you got married…it is a lot of work and it is a lot to take in. May God bless your hearts.
At some point you have to leave the public eye and work towards healing of this relationship privately. Such publicity can bring more harm than good. Wish you well!
Hi Jamie. You don’t know me but I wanted to reach out to you because I was in a similar situation with my husband 11 years ago. I was very young when we got together and had a lot of baggage and insecurities I brought into the relationship. His loved ones and friends didn’t think we would last, and I know all too well what it’s like to have people say hurtful things about you and the relationship.
Realistically we rushed in head first and didn’t think of the consequences. But we stuck it out. I was like you in the fact that I was often too hard on my husband and expected too much of him. He was much like Doug, and I couldn’t see the great things about him through my own trust issues and fear.
Long story short, I had to work on my own issues and past with a therapist, looking at my part in things, stop blaming things on him, and learning to accept I was not perfect and neither was he.
You guys CAN work through this, but you both have to be willing to work on your own issues individually before you can work on the relationship issues together.
You are NOT a bad person for feeling the way you do!
Much love and good luck!
Jamie, because your marriage is part of a reality show, you will always have a divided audience. I am sorry that you receive hate mail. I am sorry that half of our population is judgemental. The truth is within you; you know who you are. You know your heart and your willingness to work on your marriage. I don’t judge you; I think that both you and Doug deserve happiness; and I hope you find it together. However, if you do not, you know that you have friends and family who know YOU! Dissolving a relationship does not make you a bad person. Know that some of us are in your corner. Problems happen in relationships. I hope you give your marriage to Doug all of your efforts and stop talking to your ex. He is an es for a reason. And it is always easy to run; but we know that the grass is not always greener on the other side. My support as well as my prayers are on your side!!
I have counseled couples pre-marriage and during difficult times. I appreciate MAFS: the First Year for the many insights that will help me communicate and offer counsel. Thank you. My wife and I have sometimes been frustrated along with you (sometimes at you, but we keep that to ourselves) but I do appreciate that you are talking it out, seeking professional help, and handling it like adults. I would also recommend Bible reading and prayer.
Dear Jamie!
When I found MAFS on the net, I was excited. It was so new and interesting to see how some experts matched people based on various tests, ideologies etc. You two were my favourites from the beginning and I have to admit that I really felt sorry for Doug when it wasn’t love at first sight at all on your side. This poor man, who obviously thought he’d won the jackpot with you. anyway, as time passed by, you did an enormous work to make this marriage work and I was happy for you, happy with you when you finally decided to stay together. I have been married for 12 years now, with ups and downs, goood times and bad ones. There was one point in my marriage when I felt I had to quit for some silly reason,, but my man is a fighter type and he fought as long as he had to to save us. I believe in the saying that there are people who are meant for each other, I think you and your husband belong to this group, just like me and my lovely man. It doesn’t matter if you cry as long as your tears are sincere. If your relationship is meant to last, you’ll get over the tough period. I would really like to give you a good advice or say something very clever, but there are so many thoughts in my head right now. I can only say that listen to your heart and don’t forget to communicate with Doug, as it is the most important in a relationship. Communication is vice versa, so speak to each other, not next to each other. If Doug loves you he’ll understand you. Your marriage is still fresh, you’re in the centre of attention, you’ve probably been told by many, that this i not the best for you right now. Stay strong and fight for your and Doug’s happiness, cause I think you truly deserve it. … Now I’ve written a short story here, so I’d better go and check on the kids. XO 🙂
Hello Jamie
I want to tell you a little about myself. I too thought about my ex when I first got married. But I was 19 ,my husband and I only dated for two months before we get it before we got married. I’m 30 now and been married for 10years. My first year was hard thinking did I do the thing. We’ve had our ups and downs but that’s what makes us stronger. What I’m trying to say is exes are the past,look at what’s in front of you. Hope you and Doug work thru this to have a happy and blessed marriage.
Sincerely,
Ashley
PS
I hope I didn’t ramble and it makes sense
Ugh it pains me to see the things people say to you and Doug… They don’t know you not have thy ever been I. Your situation . Continue to work on you!!! You guys are adorable together and I hope y’all can work through these issues and find the path that is best for you both… Haters gonna hate, ignore them!!!
It is an honor to witness your and Doug’s journey. I really wish people would view it that way, rather than as “entertainment” of some kind, which they then proceed to shamelessly critique and judge. If everyone is being honest, each of us would admit that we have experienced a time when we felt extreme doubt, questioned our choices, felt lost on our path, unsure, shame, fear, the list goes on! How very “convenient” for all the rest of us that our lives were not televised! That you and Doug chose to be so generous — and I mean that genuinely because it takes a great deal of selflessness and generosity to share in the way you have — is not only testimonial of your courage and commitment, but also a gift to those of us who CHOOSE to witness it. And I capitalize “choose” because I want to make the point that it’s a choice to watch! For those of you who are so [allegedly] disgraced, mortified, upset about the content, or disagree so adamantly, then perhaps you should choose something else to watch! I see and consider the show (and all that goes with it) as a generous gift from Doug, Jamie, Courtney and Jason. So thank you. And I believe you. And I support you. ❤
As you had mentioned your ex was an older man. Do you think he was the father figure that you never had? Maybe you just felt more secure with him because he was older and more settled in life. Marriage is hard. I do LOVE you and Doug. Hope things can work out for you. I am rooting for you.
I thank you for your honesty, in a world that sugar coats everything and relationships all around us, it is great to hear the truth. I went through what you were just going through and I know first hand what that feels like. I had an ex who was my everything but never wanted to commit. He was the love of my life. After being married many years with a man who knew from the very first day that I was the one for him, who love me and treated me like a gem, I caught up with my ex and those old feelings creeped up on me. It almost ruined my marriage. Although there was never any physical contact between my ex and I, the feelings and understanding that had been there in the past were as present as the first time we saw each other 20 years prior. After various conversations, I realized that although I always thought of him and wondered what if, during those years I had not seen him were just that thoughts. I thank God I had the opportunity to meet up with my ex after so many years, to clear my head and be able to appreciate what I had at home. I realized that I was holding on to a memory that had no meaning, no future and that if hadn’t moved on I would have been as alone and miserable as my ex is now. After that period I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and the person that took care of me with love, dedication and patience was my husband. I thank God everyday for guiding me and for opening my eyes. The past is the past and it will never be the same no matter how much you try. I learned that the grass is seldom greener on the other side. God Bless.
Jamie I respect your relationship with Doug and I refuse to tell you to run. My poor husband went through this same situation with me but he saw through the pain and refused to give up. It’s hard not to compare relationships but in the end it’s easier to move forward its hard but remember that he is your ex for a reason and its so easy when your relationship is in a difficult place to look back at your old life. For me I opted to close the door and nail it shut, removing him from my life and I did it because I love my hubby more than anything and having my ex even as just a friend caused far too much inner turmoil for me. I am praying for the both of you <3
I think you two are wonderful. I for one, can appreciate your honesty. Always be honest to yourself and your partner! Keep up the good work Jamie! I love watching MAFS!
I though I watched an episode that said you had changed your last name ! Did you change it or just using Otis for publicity reasons? Just curious!
Jamie, your marriage is just that….. YOUR marriage. don’t let anyone make you feel like you are not good enough for your marriage. I have got to tell you it is not easy.. and never will be… there will be good times and bad time… and Horrible times! I personally think you two have a lot of love for each other (and yes its being tested) but that is perfectly okay…. i had a rough patch with my love for about the first 2 years we have now celebrated 8 years in October and he is truly my best friend.. i was reading your blog and i just want to say i am so sorry for the hate you are getting…. and just by reading your blogs and fb posts….i can tell by your words how sorry you truly are… don’t ever let others bring you down. just focus on one another. and it will be okay.
and for the ex. i know how hard it can be… i dated my ex for 3 years and completely loved him and his family… but i moved 6 hours away and we felt we were better off apart and staying friends because of how far apart we lived…. so i get how it feels to leave things unfinished. and i brought him into the beginning of my relationship (not cheating but just thoughts of what could have been and thinking he was better than the guy who to this day : i call my love) that is a part of the reason we had a “rough patch” one day i knew i needed to cut off contact with him and his family. and i’m happy i did… as the years go on i noticed how little i was giving “my love” a chance…. my love is now my best friend and i could not picture life without him. we give each other all and yes we still argue here and there about stupid little things ( who doesn’t) but i had to make that big step so i can move forward and have a loving future with my “best friend/love” but i just wanted to share my story so you know “you are not alone… it does happen.. but from my experience .. .i couldn’t have gotten to where we are now if i didn’t end our friendship and contact.- and to this day i don’t even question what he is doing , etc. . cause i am so blessed and so happy with my love and our little boy….. and i know one day you will be too! 🙂
i can see Doug loves you SO MUCH! & he truly does seem like a good guy so i wouldn’t question his character… 🙂 just remember you have people rooting for the both of you!!! and when you watch your show tonight… don’t let it take a toll on you or your relationship (because that is the past and today is a new day to move forward and to be happy) i have read some of the harsh stuff people wrote, and i got to say DON’T LISTEN TO THEM : you are strong! you are a fighter! your courageous, and whether you don’t see it , i can truly see your love for Doug! no matter the hate people say to you….. just remember most of us just want you both happy! and we support the BOTH of you! #TeamJamieandDoug….
ps: your jewelry line is so unique and so beautiful.. congrats on your success. keeping you and Doug in my thoughts and prayers.
No one knows what really goes on in your relationship. What truly matters is true commitment, communication (this also means knowing what not to say), trust, and respect.
We all go through ups and downs. It’s normal. And in those moments, it’s easy to remember how GOOD it was with someone else. But we forget the BAD that lead us to leaving them. My advice, start a journal. For yourself. Everyday write down one thing that Doug did that made you smile. It can be something tiny, like the way he held your hand when stepping over ice, or something big. Something that showed you he loves you. And in those dark moments, read it to yourself. Remember the good. Remember the love. Remember why you went to bed that night with the knowledge of being loved by a great guy.
When we love someone, we give away a piece of our heart we never get back. They will always be a part of our past. But the key is to remember, it’s over. You are not the same person you were when you ended it, and he isn’t either. You could leave Doug, find your ex, and realize he isn’t who you remember at all. We all change. Lock those memories away. Don’t talk about him to anyone. Fill your time so you don’t think about him. Because you aren’t with him. You’re with. Doug. And Doug deserves 100% of you.
Do not look back. Look ahead.
You are both wonderful people trying to figure out life, marriage and each other. Give both of yourselves a break and realize that even people who have been with their spouse for years, still have issues and times where you seem more like roommates. The key is to push through and remember why you stay. LOVE.
My guess is that if you had stayed with your ex “true love” you would still not be happy. People don’t make us happy – happiness comes from within. No one can compare with a memory. Memories are always better than reality. The grass is not greener. It’s just better tended.
You are NOT the only one that feels that way…. Who hasn’t had a down day & fallen into the ‘What-if…” abyss? Show me someone who is super happy 24/7 and I will show you a liar… NOTHING is perfect; otherwise we wouldn’t know how to appreciate the good times.
Keep your chin up. You are trying and that’s what matters, NOT the haters.
Listen girl, you keep being real. If all of our own marriages were on display for the world to see, people would tell all of us to leave our spouses. The most important thing is that you keep working and trudging through it to get closer. You are right – you married as strangers and are still getting to know each other!! Hang in there! I’ve been married 16 years now and can tell you that the only thing that kept us together is the grace of God and marriage counseling. I wouldn’t recommend telling our husbands we are having feelings about our ex’s, but I LOVE how you said you wanted to be open and honest with Doug. You were trying to work through it. You are wonderful and please don’t let all the haters get you down.
Hey Jamie!
Let me start by saying that I have been happily married for 16+ years and have 5 children…. And I still love my ex. I get it…. Seriously.
My ex was my first love, my first “everything”… Including my first dysfunctional relationship. We fought constantly… But we loved constantly also. It was hard…. And beautiful… And more hard.
I had to finally decide what I really wanted in a marriage, a husband, and future father for my children. This relationship, love or not, was not the life I wanted forever. I moved on. It was hard.
I married my husband when I was 24. The ex called the day before the wedding and begged me not to. Again… More hard.
We married, set up house, and created a beautiful life together. Not always easy, we hit rough patches, but it has never really been hard. It is the type of life I wanted. Calm… As calm as it can be with 5 kids! There isn’t constant fighting. We very rarely fight. He is truly my best friend. I love him with every ounce of my being.
But, guess what? I still love the ex… Almost as much. Do I regret my decision? No. Do I love my husband less? Nope. Do I wonder what if? Not really. Am I unsure of where I belong? Not at all. Does my husband doubt my love for him? No. Does he know how I feel. YES! The poor guy came home for work one day to me bawling hysterical…total ugly cry type stuff… Because I had received a letter saying the ex had gotten married. Broke my heart.
Here’s the thing… Just because something ends, doesn’t mean that feeling instantly change. Sometimes they never do. I grew up enough to realise I needed, wanted, and deserved better. I CHOSE better. I found love… Again.
I still talk to the ex sometimes. Before he married, we were quite close. We still saw each other when he came into town. I cherish those times. His wife won’t allow any of it. I get it… Kind of. I always chose to come home to my husband… To my life. My husband knows that I choose him… Over and over and over again. Love doesn’t just stop… In either situation.
Stay strong. Work on your marriage. Let Doug know you CHOOSE him… Over and Over and over again.
Jamie & Doug marriage is something you have to work at each and every day. When my husband and I where engaged he wanted to go tell a family friend. And she gave him and me the best advice and we use it still to this day. What she told us marriage isn’t 50/50 sometimes it will be 30/70 or 20/80. And by this statement she was informing us that he could be the 70 and me the 30 or vice versa. I have watched yours and Doug’s love story from day one and I’ve been cheering you two on. I will give you another piece of advice if you pressure someone to have a baby before they are ready it never turns out good. Take this time to enjoy being with each other because when the time comes to have that precious baby it will be hard to have “alone time” for the first couple of years. But when you two can get out make it special..go for a walk, get some ice cream. Trust me those little date nights will be something you two will look back on when the kids are grown. To many couples don’t last once the kids are grown because they put all their attention on the kids and none on them..xoxo
Hi Jamie,
I’m so sorry for what the public has put you through. My heart hurts for you. Being in the public eye is not easy! It’s stressful. People also don’t realize that there is alot about your relationship that is not seen on TV, including the good. You were real and I think your feelings for your Ex were normal.
My husband and I have been married for 22 years, and in the beginning there were some “kinks” too, and we DID know each other, unlike you and Doug. You didn’t even like Doug in the beginning. So wondering about the “what if’s” I think is very normal considering all that you have through. In my opinion, it’s really no big deal. It’s not like you went back to him and cheated on him. You were being real. The haters need to judge their own faults. If Doug loves you, that is all that matters. And wow, about his brother!! I would be so upset!! Marriage is hard work. If anyone else put their marriage on national TV, they would be criticized too. Even me. Hang in there. You are loved.
Jamie (and Doug)…marriage isn’t easy. Life isn’t easy. From day one, there has just been something about the two of you that gave me hope for my own situation. I didn’t know my husband very well when we got married either. Actually, we were engaged after only a few days of knowing each other and married shortly after. Does that make it harder? Sometimes. Does it get easier? Sometimes. Is it worth it? That’s something that only the two of you can determine. I’m sure there’s a LOT that we don’t see on tv and a lot more that is misinterpreted due to editing since the show is only an hour long a week….which doesn’t give much time for REAL in depth vision of what reality is actually like. I used to be shocked at shows like Growing Pains and The Wonder Years because every single big life issue that everyone on the planet goes through gets solved in 1/2 an hour. In real life, most of us don’t even begin getting INTO the big issues in a 1/2 hour, never mind have issue come up, come up with solutions, then resolve said issue all while many other things are going on. That’s not real! What you both are going through is very real though….and a lot more common than you’d think. Jamie, I can completely understand where you’re coming from. You didn’t know each other at all before getting married and I feel the same way about my situation. It’s very difficult to deal with things that you didn’t know about from a person’s past…it’s even harder when you’re still getting to know that person. I found myself constantly asking myself, “if I had known this before we got married, would I have married him?” In all honesty, probably not. Then I immediately ask myself, “Is this worth fighting about?” Usually the answer is no, but I can’t tell someone else how to react…so sadly, what I don’t think is worth fighting about is usually the next intro to WWIII in my house. Then comes the inevitable question, “Is it worth giving up over? (and/or) Would I really want to live the rest of my life without him?” Again…those are questions that only the two of you can answer. However, here’s what I see. Even when you’re both doing the confession cams and being filmed, the way you look at each other…you can see the connection, the love, and the hurt. You can see how much you both care and hurt and love each other. I’ve watched from the very first episode and while your story hasn’t always been the nicest, the most loving, the most amazing “happily ever after” story….it’s been the most real and emotion-filled. I believe that you two really do have what it takes to make it…but that comes back to the question “is this really something you’d want to lose your partner over forever?” I always tell my daughter when she misses her bf….”You can miss him for a little while or you can miss him for the rest of your life….which one would you be able to handle better?” Sending lots of prayers and hope for both of you…only you two can determine what’s best for your lives. 🙂
No hate speech from me. I am truly and utterly a Jamie and Douglas Hehner fan. Just sad that you guys have to go through what you have but your relationship can only get stronger and I believe deep down the love for one another is there you just need to dig deep and have faith xx
I just love the two of you. I have come to the realization that each and every person has flaws and no one is perfect. Took me a long time to figure out that the grass is not greener on the other side. You and Doug make a perfect pair. He may be missing in areas but you think about it, you probably are too.. Give the guy a chance. Takes more than a year and some change to know each other. May be the smartest move you ever make. Love them flaws girl…
Smile
I totally commend you and 100% see your side! You didn’t fall in love with someone and “know they were the one.” People that do go the traditional route have problems every single day and a lot of them are what you are experiencing. You entered a situation completely foreign and you’re trying to make it work. Kudos for you for being honest! Life is hard sometimes, its not all rainbows and unicorns. You see that and your trying, you haven’t run away. I applaud you!!!
You know I have followed yours and Doug’s story since the beginning. Out of all couples featured the first season and second season, yours to me was truly the only honestly genuine one, I felt. But if you are going to continue to be genuine then I think it was necessary to see the truth. I am not going to lie and say it hasn’t been hard to watch. Not because I think you are are an awful person but just because I was and am in your guys corner to really make it. Please don’t be so hard on yourself, I have a son who feels just like you, he believes in being upfront and honest with his feelings and doesn’t believe playing games. I have to believe this honesty will only grow your relationship stronger or at the very least show that you gave everything you had to make it work. So I’m going to keep watching and I’m going to keep hoping that you guys make it. because I I believe you BOTH are great people!!
I can’t stand when I read people telling Doug to run and that you don’t deserve him. Of course you deserve him. So what you had feelings for an ex during a rough patch of your relationship. Marriage has its ups and downs for sure. I would be lying if I didn’t say I never had feelings for an ex creep up. It’s not that I want to be with my ex…I love my husband completely but those feelings did come. I even had dreams about my ex. Now that’s weird! I think it’d natural. And anyone who says they never think of an ex are lying unless they married their first love and didn’t date anyone prior to whom they married.
Jamie you don’t deserve the hate. You are awesome. I hope you and Doug can work things out. I see you guys on Periscope and you two are adorable. 🙂 xo
Doug and Jamie,
I address this to you both, because you’re in this together, no matter what. Who are we to judge? Who is giving advice because they have the perfect relationship or marriage. Everyone goes through the storms and hope and pray they come out on the other side, unscathed! This is what we call life’s journey.
Today is what would have been my late husband Peter and I 11th wedding anniversary. I reflect on all the experiences we had as a married couple, yes from great to not so great! We all go through learning processes. The key is learn from them. My husband’s story was unique and one that shall be written because of what he had endured through health, family not giving a rats behind during his deepest and darkest moments, and working in an environment where you used up, chewed and spit out, and tossed aside like a piece of garbage. You see he was a genius and worked classified projects. This is unfortunately common in the government world. Truly a thankless world towards humanity and those who keep America safe!
I share this, because I found my husband in his deepest darkest moment in his life, literally clinging on his reason for living. Ex wife, son, family, discarding him like a he was the dirt beneath their shoes. My point is, Jamie because you fought for anything, starting as a child, it creates these survival emotions/instincts and no one can blame you for having trust issues. My husband did and it took him years before he could trust his family again. I always told him that you cannot leave this life with regrets and as long as you forgive, the rest is up to those who hurt you. Do not give them that power over your life. Embrace each day because it’s truly a gift and allow those who scarred your life to live theirs and while they see you living yours in peace, it’s truly amazing how life starts to teach them lessons, because of yours and Doug example.
My husband heart was the ultimate reason he left this life, living with permanent afib for nearly 10 years, our entire marriage. This taught me so much because of his trials. I pray that my short message may impact you in some small way. You do not need to apologize for being imperfect! We all are and we are all on this planet to become more perfect hopefully through of life’s lessons! God bless and godspeed to you both!
Sincerily a fan and a cheerleader on your behalf!
Kathy Harnett
P.S. My husband is from LI, NY and I’m from UT (What are the odds for my husband and I to meet. Look at it the same way with you and Doug)! Maybe, it was meant to be for you two as I believe it was for us! 🙂
Thank you so much, Kathy! I really appreciate you sharing your story with me. It means a lot to me. It sounds like your husband was a really, really great guy! xo