Aching Inside

Johnathan Edward Hehner Baby Feet
Johnathan Edward Hehner’s itty bitty baby feet

19 weeks

After we made our pregnancy public, I wanted to begin blogging weekly. Never in my wildest dreams—or most terrible nightmares— would I imagine blogging for my baby in heaven. Today marks what should be a milestone for my angel, Johnathan Edward. We should be 19 weeks along today. I know I shouldn’t really look at it this way. “He’s better off. He wasn’t healthy. God needed him in heaven. Everything happens for a reason. Time heals everything.” …These are all the things I hear and try to remind myself every single day, but it just doesn’t help. It tears me up inside that my little boy should be 19 weeks today. And it doesn’t help that I got an email update from a pregnancy app telling me all about the milestones he’d be making this week. (I had immediately deleted all the apps I followed so this wouldn’t happen.) And ya know what, I almost don’t mind that I am getting the email updates still. I don’t want to forget him. I don’t want to just “go on” with life.

Moving On

Today is also the premiere of Married At First Sight season 4. I always blog about MAFS and I know I can’t stop that – just like I can’t stop with my book and jewelry and other normal life. I need to “go on” with my daily life and keep working. My husband says that is the only thing that will help me cope. And he’s right. I’ve been staying VERY busy and it has definitely helped. I cry a lot less these days.

As I was writing my Married At First Sight blog I felt so guilty for feeling genuine excitement for the new season and the new couples. I really do love MAFS and I truly believe that it can be successful for the right two people who get married. I LOVE following their journeys and cheering them along. But I feel like I shouldn’t be happy for them or anyone right now. How bitter of me, I know. As I was blogging for this show today it just ate me up inside. Each exclamation mark brought more sadness…but I typed it anyway. I have to learn to be happy again. And ya know that saying “fake it till you make it” — I’m living by it right now. I know I probably sound like a crazy person.

I’m Not Ready To Laugh

Some good friends sent me a book titled “It’s ok to laugh.” I haven’t read it yet. I know I should. But I guess I am just wallowing in my own self pity and sadness. How miserable, I know. I wanted to write this blog almost to show Johnathan that I am not just “moving on in life.” Just because I got excited for a moment doesn’t mean I don’t think of him every moment of every day. I still love him very, very much and always will. I want him to know how much his mommy loves him and always will. Even when I am smiling on the outside I am terribly sad that he isn’t with me, growing inside me. God, give my baby kisses for me, please and tell him how much his mommy loves him.

Niece and Nephew Lovin’

My niece is here for the week. Truly, thank God for kiddos. They just bring so much happiness. I cannot stay sad all day when I see my sweet niece smiling and excited to spend the day with me. I am so blessed to have her and all my nieces and nephews. I am going to wipe my tears and take her into NYC to show her how I make my jewelry. She is so excited for Times Square, too. I can’t wait to see her awe and make her smile. This is what life is all about. I can’t wait to have my own little one one day. I wish I could have done this stuff with my Johnathan. 

Johnathan, you will always be so special to mommy and daddy.
Johnathan, you will always be so special to mommy and daddy.

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  1. My heart breaks knowing that you have lost your baby. I also lost my son, Colt in Sept 2015 at 16 weeks. It was truly devastating and I can totally relate to not wanting to be happy because it just doesn’t feel right. Give yourself whatever you need to get through each day. Some days that means navigating grief and really getting into your emotions and sometimes that means forcing yourself to get out of bed and do something for fun for yourself. Just know, there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Remember that Johnathan made you a mother and pray that he sends you your rainbow baby. Mine’s due in February.

  2. Oh Jamie…my heart is breaking for you and I’m reliving the moments when I heard the devasting news at 16 weeks 2 days pregnant with my daughter Ava,”there’s no heartbeat”. Those are words no mother should ever hear, I wish I had some good advice but there’s no easy way to get through this except just to be patient and let yourself feel whatever it is you are feeling. People will try to make you feel better by saying things like “everything happens for a reason” or “he’s in a better place” or “its all for the best” but those words sting. For me, the best place was in my arms. For me, there was no reason I should have lost my baby. For me, this was the worst pain I had ever felt. It’s been 2 years since I held my baby girl, perfect in every way at only 16 weeks. I will always have a void. I still wonder what she would have been like but she has let me know she is with me from the beginning so in your quiet moments take notice of little things, signs that he’s near. The hummingbird is my sign for Ava. God knows the desires of your heart. Keep your faith and lay your worries on Gods shoulders. I am currently holding my 2 month old twins. I know they will have a special connection with Ava and I know she is watching over them! Keeping you and Doug in my prayers! XOXO!

    1. I completely understand what you mean. I feel the same way. I know everyone is just trying to be comforting and nice, but it does sting. I was suppose to just go to the operating room for my baby (one day when I am stronger I will blog about this all) but I am SO THANKFUL that I ended up going in labor and delivered Johnathan in the waiting area. If he had left me in the operating room I would have never been able to hold him and kiss him and love on him. I would take all the labor pain again x 100 just to have a few more minutes with my little boy.

  3. I lost a baby in December, and I too, named him Jonathan. I loved the meaning behind it. You are a strong woman, and although you will never get over the loss of your baby, sunny days will come. Now you just have to try for your rainbow baby. ❤️

  4. I have never lost a baby but I have lost people close to me in life. I am a Mom and losing a baby was my biggest fear. During my other losses, I felt the exact same way, guilty for laughing or feeling an instant of happiness. Guilt is easy. Its easy to blame yourself then to be mad. Because under the sadness and the guilt is anger. Anger is harder to deal with. I could say allow yourself to laugh but that wouldn’t be genuine because you will still feel bad on the inside. Just know that its normal, that you don’t sound crazy, you sound 100% NORMAL. It is normal to feel everything you’re feeling. Allow yourself to grieve. One day you will catch yourself smiling and you wont feel guilty and then you can truly start to pick up the pieces of your life and move on again. And one day you and Doug will bring a beautiful baby into this world, it wont heal the hole left by baby Jonathan, but it will fill your heart with love. We are all behind you guys.

  5. Jamie, please give yourself a break on all that you feel. There is no right or wrong to what you’re feeling. And all the pat answers about why you may have miscarried are just speculation, though meant to make your feel better. This is a painful thing and a painful time. Be honest, like you are. Seek and accept help and support and know that you’re not by yourself in this. You’re cared about and for. Hang in there.

  6. I’m so devastated for you. I want to tell you that you’re not alone and to please find our community- there are many online support groups (I found mine on Babycenter) and in my experience it really helped me to cope when I lost my son at 24 weeks. It’s such a lonely, isolating thing and the truth is that after a while, the people in your life stop asking, stop talking about your loss. They don’t want to upset you and bring it up once it’s not so fresh anymore but it’s hard to feel like you’re the only one who remembers anymore (it’s been 7 years for me). I made lifelong friends in my bbc loss group- people I still talk to today- when I’m really missing him or sad for no real reason in a way nobody else really understands- they get it and we support each other in those moments, still. The other thing I want to tell you is that it does get better, it does get easier, and one day it won’t be so immensely painful to even think his name. You will heal, you will hopefully go on to have another child that you’ll appreciate even more than you ever realized you could. You will not be suffocated and defined by your grief forever. It always hurts, you’ll always miss him, but I promise you it gets better.

  7. Just keep moving one foot in front of the other. In the beginning it is like taking one minute at a time, then we move up to one hour at a time, then we can handle one day at a time. It does get better with time the sting of loosing a baby dulls the empty void you feel will fill again. Lean on your husband be each others pillars of support he is going through the same things you are feeling, You may feel like your world has stopped revolving but it will start again. Eventually when you are ready you will have a rainbow baby but you will never forget your first child. He will always be your son and your first.

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