After we made our pregnancy public, I wanted to begin blogging weekly. Never in my wildest dreams—or most terrible nightmares— would I imagine blogging for my baby in heaven. Today marks what should be a milestone for my angel, Johnathan Edward. We should be 19 weeks along today. I know I shouldn’t really look at it this way. “He’s better off. He wasn’t healthy. God needed him in heaven. Everything happens for a reason. Time heals everything.” …These are all the things I hear and try to remind myself every single day, but it just doesn’t help. It tears me up inside that my little boy should be 19 weeks today. And it doesn’t help that I got an email update from a pregnancy app telling me all about the milestones he’d be making this week. (I had immediately deleted all the apps I followed so this wouldn’t happen.) And ya know what, I almost don’t mind that I am getting the email updates still. I don’t want to forget him. I don’t want to just “go on” with life.
Today is also the premiere of Married At First Sight season 4. I always blog about MAFS and I know I can’t stop that – just like I can’t stop with my book and jewelry and other normal life. I need to “go on” with my daily life and keep working. My husband says that is the only thing that will help me cope. And he’s right. I’ve been staying VERY busy and it has definitely helped. I cry a lot less these days.
As I was writing my Married At First Sight blog I felt so guilty for feeling genuine excitement for the new season and the new couples. I really do love MAFS and I truly believe that it can be successful for the right two people who get married. I LOVE following their journeys and cheering them along. But I feel like I shouldn’t be happy for them or anyone right now. How bitter of me, I know. As I was blogging for this show today it just ate me up inside. Each exclamation mark brought more sadness…but I typed it anyway. I have to learn to be happy again. And ya know that saying “fake it till you make it” — I’m living by it right now. I know I probably sound like a crazy person.
I’m Not Ready To Laugh
Some good friends sent me a book titled “It’s ok to laugh.” I haven’t read it yet. I know I should. But I guess I am just wallowing in my own self pity and sadness. How miserable, I know. I wanted to write this blog almost to show Johnathan that I am not just “moving on in life.” Just because I got excited for a moment doesn’t mean I don’t think of him every moment of every day. I still love him very, very much and always will. I want him to know how much his mommy loves him and always will. Even when I am smiling on the outside I am terribly sad that he isn’t with me, growing inside me. God, give my baby kisses for me, please and tell him how much his mommy loves him.
Niece and Nephew Lovin’
My niece is here for the week. Truly, thank God for kiddos. They just bring so much happiness. I cannot stay sad all day when I see my sweet niece smiling and excited to spend the day with me. I am so blessed to have her and all my nieces and nephews. I am going to wipe my tears and take her into NYC to show her how I make my jewelry. She is so excited for Times Square, too. I can’t wait to see her awe and make her smile. This is what life is all about. I can’t wait to have my own little one one day. I wish I could have done this stuff with my Johnathan.
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