This may or may not make me sound a bit nuts, but I find it very hard to make good, quality friends. I am 29 and married a dude I didn’t know prior to our wedding day. That definitely makes me nutso. But I don’t care. I’ve always wanted a “family life.” I definitely got that when I married my hubs. So, I moved out of NYC and down to the dirty Jersey. His whole family lives here but I know ZERO people. I never really thought anything of it until I was here in the midst of it. That’s when I realized I don’t have many friends – and none who live near me. Sounds depressing. (Honestly – yep, it kind of is.) BUT, I’m one who grabs life by the horns and goes out to conquer! One problem though: I’ve never had the average life and made friends the “normal” way.
In middle school and high school I moved literally 11 times. Try making and keeping friends that way. In college I had custody of my siblings so instead of partying at a sorority and finding my lifelong best buds by being the life of the party I delegated chores to my little sisters and bro instead. Fast forward to my late twenties and I am sitting on my couch with my fur baby waiting for my husband to get home from work realizing how I have very few quality friends. (And the ones I do have don’t live close by.) This is the life I live now. Womp womp. lol
This may make me sound even more insane, but I’ve gained several friendly acquaintances – if not friends – through social media. I chat daily with a lot of my “followers.” Verdict is in: I am definitely not normal.
Allow me to introduce you to Lisa. I can’t remember if Lisa and I met through Facebook or twitter or instagram? But, anyway, she commented on one of my posts and we got to chatting. (Yes, I read all comments and respond to as many as I can.) I realized she blogs. I read something she wrote about making friends and I instantly wanted more – someone is brave enough to admit out loud that they struggle to find friends too!
I reached out to Lisa and asked if she’d like to guest blog on my site with an article re: how adult females find friends. I really like what she wrote. (In Blue) I think it will be helpful for me. I hope it’s helpful for you, too! 🙂
So how do Adult females find friends?
Not many people like to talk about their friendship troubles. Often we are embarrassed and even ashamed of it. Blaming ourselves, and we question our likability. What we as women need to realize is that having a lot of close friends is a fantasy for most people. But in reality it is really uncommon. It’s very weird to try to make friends as an adult. You might feel like you’re being pushy or needy. So if you make an effort and somebody doesn’t respond how you would like, you might pull back and withdrawal. Sometimes we need to learn not to take things so personally and understand that you have to be patient.
I asked several of my friends and followers on social networks how adults can find friends. Here are their answers:
~ Try joining a workout class or a wine club/wine tasting night in your area.
~ Some cities offer classes through their parks and rec department (art, photography, cooking, etc)
~ Networking. Not just for your job, have your friends set you up – you might have some common ground with friends of your friends.
~ The website Meetup.com is a great way!
~ Reach out to someone who you think you could be friends with. Take a leap you might like where it takes you.
~ Throw a dinner party, BBQ, Wine Tasting or, Poker Night. Invite neighbors, Co-workers and ask them to bring a friend.
I have found that as an adult it’s not necessarily “making” friends but maintaining friendships. It is so easy to let friendships slip because we see in Facebook what is going on in everyone’s lives making us feel connected to them, but not always making a personal effort to stay in touch. Over all, just get out there and see what happens. You never know until you try.
Thanks for sharing this, Lisa! I’m going to try the work out class since my other problem since getting hitched is that I’ve gained 10 pounds easily. I stopped working out and I feel like I lost sight of who I am. It’s never too late to get it back though. 🙂
Books that may be helpful:
How to Win Friends & Influence People
Please let me know if this blog has been helpful for you and if you’d like more similar to this! And please comment any tips you have found helpful in meeting friends after becoming an adult. If you want to read more blogs by Lisa, click here.
xxoo,
Jamie
P.S if you’re interested in guest blogging here on my site just let me know in the comments below. I love inviting guests on!
Jamie Otis
30 comments
I definitely agree with joining a Meetup group! A little over 3 years ago I decided to join a Meetup group because all of my friends were either in a relationship, getting married, and/or having kids. I was single at the time and wanted to meet friends who were in the same boat as me. I joined one and was instantly hooked! I not only met tons of friends and had a good time I also met my future husband at an event through Meetup! I met my fiancee 3 months after I joined my first Meetup and now we will be married in 7 months. I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone. I even became an event organizer after a few weeks of joining. I picked the activities that I was most interested in trying out and people showed up. Everyone that goes is in the same boat as you are, looking for a friend. As my mother would say, “What do you have left to lose.” Go for it!
Love this advice! And CONGRATS!
I’m reading this and thinking to myself, “Wow, I have no friends really”. I had a best friend we had been friend since freshman year in high school. However, we parted ways a while ago. That’s it for me, I find it so hard to meet friends and even more so one I can trust. Thank you for writing this and bring the topic up helps to know I’m not the only one!
Oh, and also! I adore that you’re so down-to-earth that you will allow your fans to be guest bloggers, and connect with them online (and you’re not “too good” to befriend them if you do make a solid connection) 🙂 Props!!!
OMG, just today I asked a girl who I once “hit it off” with at a party if she wanted to grab happy hour…I saw she looked at my post, but didn’t reply. 🙁 I guess I still have to be unafraid to put myself out there. Confidence is probably key, which is something I don’t have, lol. Yay fear of rejection!
This topic is something I’ve been grappling with since graduating college. People become wrapped up in their new lives, their jobs, their children, you name it….and it’s difficult to connect. 🙁 I’m 100% with you, and I think most people are, but they’re too shy to do much about it–myself included!
I agree so hard! I remember when I first moved to Indy over 6 years ago I was struggling big time meeting new friends. I one day watched my pastor’s kid (who was 5) go up to a stranger on the playground and say, “want to be my friend”. The girl said sure and off they went to play together. I thought, why at 30+ can we not make friends that way, it would be creepy?
Over my time here I have found subtle ways to push me on people I feel I connect with and I have got a few friends out of it! One girl I met at a coffee shop. The owner told her that we do similar work and he should talk to me. Before leaving she came over to talk to me. In the course of less than 5 minutes we had A LOT in common. I gave her my information and the next week we met for coffee and then the next day I had Thanksgiving with her family!
Hang in there and seize opportunities when you see them. If I was your way, I would totally say, hey let’s have coffee sometime. If you are ever in Indy you have my permission to take me up on that offer.
Jamie you & your childhood friends look like sisters.
haha! We get that a lot! 🙂
Hey Ladies! Just came across this info in my inbox: there’s a new app for cultivating female friends called Hey! VINA. It’s similar to Tinder where you swipe if you like the friend they matched for you based on taking a personality quiz. It’s official launch was on January 26th for SF IOS users and it’s set to launch in NY soon. 🙂 Happy swiping!
So agree! I have always considered my sis as my best friend but she has another best friend. What a bummer! I think she sees me as superficial although she knows better. I think I get blamed for being the “pretty” one if that makes sense. I am visually oriented and I feel as though she judges me for that. This is about to make me cry thinking about it. I know we do have a connection but I don’t think it will ever be the same as years ago. My mom has cats and as I get older I understand why! girls have so much drama and it is hard to trust but I am figuring it out day by day! You’re not alone!
I have often been asked how I have and keep so many awesome friends–they also ask how I met my stellar husband. Here’s the answer. Go where the type people you want to meet are gathered. For example, if you for some weird reason want someone who is a pro at one-line pickups–go to a bar or pub. But if you want someone who is caring and compassionate (as I did) go where they are. I found a group who volunteered every Friday night with retarded adults. Only caring people do this. And while retarded adults may be slow, they can spot a fake a mile away. I met my husband and many wonderful friends in that venue.
Hi Jamie! Firstly, thank you for being so real, raw and honest with all of us. I cannot wait to read your book! I myself went to 3 different high schools, so I completely understand the difficulty to cultivate strong bonds with adult women, especially when one is married. The lack of connectivity due to Facebook also resonates with me. I’ve written a few pieces on both topics and would love to share them with you.
I completely agree with you, Jamie! Finding solid, relatively sane, true blue adult girlfriends is harder than I ever expected! Growing up, I had many friends, but only 2 really incredible bff’s. I love them still, but as we got older we drifted apart because of marriages, children, geography, etc. When I had my first child (Leah), I was part of a playgroup and met other moms like me, made good friends, but no one seemed to be the exact fit for me. I also had some church friends that were (are) very sweet, but no one that I truly clicked with…you know, that soul sister. I’m kind of an introvert, with a quirky sense of humor, and I admit to being a little too open about pretty much everything (my hubby doesn’t always appreciate my friends knowing how sexy I think his biceps are, or that he snores, and talks in his sleep). I also lost many friends bc I had PPD after our second child, and dropped out of sight for like, years. Then, when I was getting better and trying to make new friends, I nearly died from idiopathic heart disease, and now have an ICD. People kind of back away from things they don’t understand (as if heart disease is catchy). Almost 9 years later, I’m feeling better than ever, and have dropped 30 lbs!
I should tell you I did have one soul sister friend who was such an incredible person, but tragically she passed away a few years ago. I’ve got a few girlfriends, but again, no one that I feel that special bond with. Makes me sad because I’m wondering if it’s just me? Maybe I’m too silly, quirky, too whatever? I’ve got my husband & my kids and am very blessed, but WHERE is that special friend who laughs at the same things I laugh at, opens her heart the way I do, who’s trustworthy, keeps a secret, and loves me no matter how stinky and I am?
So, I understand the struggle. It’s lonely. It’s hard trying to find that girlfriend who’ll call me in the middle of the night to vent because her husband was a poop, and vise versa. I’m still trying though. My husband and I have had game night every once in a while with an open invitation for our friends to bring friends. I’ve accepted lunch, dinner, and girls night out invites, where before I would have chosen to stay home in my jammies, hang with the kids then spoon with my hubs to watch a movie. I guess my advice is to never loose hope. Keep trying. Force yourself out of your comfort zone by hosting a game night, and accept invitations rather than stay home. Join a class on basket weaving, or join a book club. Make opportunities to meet people and see where it goes. (Shrug) At least We’re trying, right?
Keep the faith, girlfriend! One of these days we’ll find a girl(s) who just clicks with us. Remember, she’s probably out there looking for you too!
Love & hugs!
Laurie
P.S. ❤️ your blog, your jewelry, and your hubby could not be more perfectly suited for you! The experts hit it out of the park for you guys!
Great post! I feel the same way! My best friend lives three hours away and I don’t make friends easily since I am shy. I am in my mid-twenties and my husband is thirty so we are always trying small groups at church to meet other people our age. Only thing is most other couples our age of kids which is great, I love kids, but these other couples are at different places in their life than my husband and I. I think a class through the parks and rec is a good idea! Will try that!.
I blogged about this just today! One of the major hurtles is the female comparison trap. Quality female friends are hard to come by because, for some reason, we’re all just so dang judgmental. Before I got married, I had more guy friends for that reason. Now I find it’s not appropriate to have guy friends and be married. So, I went on a venture for a great, female friend in our new town. I’ve come up pretty empty thus far. It’s hard. Almost as hard as dating. Ha!
Thank you so much for sharing your struggle with this. I have struggled with this for years, especially after I waited much later than my friends to have a child. I think people look at us from the outside and assume we have it all together and tons of friends- when in reality we are quite lonely. I’ve longed for years to find that one “best” friend that is always there and you can share everything with. I struggle now too that I have a child- I am dying for that escape of getting out with a girlfriend, and just can’t find that person. (This all sounds really depressing. Lol!!) fortunately, I’m super blessed to have an amazing and supportive husband. But, I wanted to thank you for sharing- hearing someone else admit the struggle is so comforting.
Being close to mid 30’s and having moved to a new city. I made the decision to join a summer kickball team with the sole purpose of meeting new friends. I now have one of my very best friends as a result of that team. The team met once a week and played for an hour. At times I had to force myself to go but, it was definitely worth it. Joining the league cost me around $70 but gaining one of my nearest and dearest friends was priceless.
this is a good testament! I think Doug and I should do this!
Jamie!!! i absolutely have the same problem. Thanks for this blog. I moved to a new state for law school (i just needed a new adventure). School is very competitive and I have failed to connect with a lot of my classmates. I met my boyfriend here which is amazing, and i have a lot of great friends back home, but i have failed to connect with a lot of my classmates here. It has been a lonely three years and I will likely be moving to a different city when i find a job and will need all the help i can get meeting new people. Good luck meeting new friends we are in the same position. thanks for the advice.
I can really relate to what you wrote! I live in sweden, and when i moved to stockholm from a smaller city to study 10 yrs ago i was sure friends would come easily at my college but nope! There was no one i felt really connected to in my class where i spent all my time! Makes you question yourself and your likability!! Later when i met my hub i started getting friends through him, but the thing that really changed it for me was when i got kids!! Now i have tons of friends, its so aqward if your kid starts playing with another kid at the playground and you stand next to another parent without saying a word so you automatically starts speaking with total strangers all the time and a handful of them grow into close friends. I can also really recomend voluntary work to get to know new people, find something you care about and see how you can help out and there will probably be ppl there with the same interests as you
My god, i make it sound like my recomendation is getting kids – its just that my english isnt that good! Its not what i ment!! I just ment that for me it changed with different fases of life! The time when i expected to get many friends was the time i had none, and the time when i thought my “party days” were over was the time i made most friends. and if you one day will get blessed with children it will definetly open up new connections with other ppl, bla bla ill stop talking now..
Hey Jamie,
I don’t regularly comment on blogs but I just wanted to say, “ja feel”, especially with the ‘being lonely in NJ’ part. I went to Rutgers (New Brunswick Campus, holla) in 2013 for my Masters. I am originally from outside of Toronto in Canada so yeah I know all about being super lonely in NJ with no friends BUT it turned out OK because a friend from undergrad was also here (thanks Facebook) and we met up and then I ‘stole’ his friends. Basically, friends of friends is the way that works for me.
When I moved back to Canada, my old friends were here but it was like a 2 year pause button had been pushed so I had to re-make those friendships and that took actual time/scheduling commitment to make it happen. I think the problem is at school/work everyone is around and you have large chunks of time in common so it’s the perfect environment to create different types of relationships with minimal effort.
That being said, I also decided to audition for a musical because it was something I wanted to do for myself that I used to have fun doing, I don’t go into it with a ‘must make friends’ objective/pressure instead it was a nice side benefit. So do something outside the house for you and you never know who might be your new wine buddy 🙂 That or just steal Doug’s friends 😛
Hope you feel encouraged!
I SO understand! I have had this problem all my life – even as a kid. Even though I consider myself fun-loving and goofy – it’s hard for me to make friends. BUT, once I do, I’m loyal to the end! I used to blog myself . . . and tackled this same subject, from a different aspect. (http://heymacomehereplease.blogspot.com/2011_02_01_archive.html)
(Btw — you two were my favorites, and I picked you to be paired together! I was so glad when they paired you – and so glad when you decided to give him a chance! Happy for you! Hope you have many years together! My hubby and I were 19 and 20 when we got married 31+ years ago, and we’re still going strong!)
I would definitely recommend the workout classes. I joined a Zumba class 5 years ago and have made a great group of friends from this class. We try to do an event (dinner, wine tasting, escape room, etc) once a month. It used to be just 4 of us that would hang out, but this year it’s grown even bigger to now we are about 8 people going out. It also really helps you stay committed to working out as you know your friends will be there and you don’t want to let them down. I would recommend the group fitness classes more than just running on a treadmill or something. You tend to get more social in the group classes. Good luck.
Love this blog post! I wonder why we are so embarrassed to talk about this subject as I’m sure it effects so many women (and maybe men too?) I live I a foreign country which makes the situation even harder! There are other expats here, but mostly older and honestly not many of them are my kinda people. I found myself recently feeling quite down about it, that I’m spending time with people I’m actually not really enjoying the company of! I’ve tried charity work (I have an organisation who help the Syrian refugees here) and sports classes but I think it’s still pot luck whether you meet you have a connection with people. I am lucky to have one or two great friends here and think we have to remind ourselves it’s quality and not quanity (remember in Friends they only ever hung out with the other five and were happy as Larry!) Having my two fur babies helps a lot as I am out walking every day so say hello to many locals. Not sure there is any magic answer to this one, but thank you for writing about it!
Hi Jamie I just read the article and I can relate to it so much. Just like you had to move out of state I did too. I moved almost 4 years ago and still have no friends. I had co worker friends but once I stopped working the “friends” disappeared. I have a one year old and I want her to have play dates and meet other kids her age but I don’t even know where to start. My best friends is back home and the only person I talk to or visit is my next door neighbor who is 89 year old lady. She so sweet I love her. Well enough of me. Hope we can find friends soon. Take care and thanks for the blog.
girl, I get it! My best friend when I moved here was Doug’s Grandma Dot (who has since passed). I used to love chatting with her. I just felt so comfortable with her! Enjoy your sweet neighbor! xx
OMG Jamie I’m so glad you posted on this, I think this is something a lot of adult women experience but are too embarrassed to say out loud. I was going through this a couple years ago, and found the best book ever that changed my life on the subject, it’s called “MWF Seeks BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend”By Rachel Bertsche, it’s sooo good you’ll love it!
I’m definitely going to look into that book! Thanks! 🙂
Yes, I read this too. It is a good read, quite funny, but really relatable.