Married At First Sight: The First Year S2 E5
Fight, Fight, Fight
It seems that Doug and I have one form of communication: fight. Episode 5 of Married At First Sight: The First Year season 2 begins with – you guessed it – Doug and me fighting. I wanted to surprise Doug by taking him fencing. And yes, you heard me right. Fencing. It was something he wanted to do on his Pre-Baby Bucket List. What a random sport. But anyway…. Ya know, I used to love watching MAFS because I could relive so many happy moments. Yeah, not quite the same this season. But, I guess that’s just life. It’s filled with ups and downs. I suppose I should just put my big girl panties on and keep moving in hopes we make it through this ‘down.’
Easier Said Than Done
Before we even get into our fencing clothes Doug tells me that this is the first time in our relationship that he “doubted we are right for each other.” How’s that for a taste of my own medicine? To say I was caught off guard and completely shocked is a complete understatement. No matter what I was struggling with, he had always seemed so steady, strong and committed to me and our relationship. I couldn’t believe he was now questioning everything. I was so hurt and felt like such a fool because, whether it looks like it or not, I was truly trying to be a better wife as we figured out what was going on.
But after watching it all back on Married At First Sight: The First Year, I feel like such a hypocrite. All along I have doubted whether or not we were meant to be together – to last forever? I had hoped for it, but I didn’t truly know if I could trust in it. I was honest with Doug about this because we met in such a peculiar way I didn’t want to just “string him along.” I wanted him to know exactly what my thoughts, desires, and goals were. And I always told him I wanted his honest feelings too. But, the minute he was honest about his feelings I felt like a bull dozer just crushed my heart. I felt vulnerable and exposed. Maybe I needed to feel that. I mean, isn’t that exactly what I had been making Doug feel like on and off since the beginning of our marriage?
Gender Reveal Party
My sister, Leah, is having a baby! (By the way – she is due next week!!!) Obviously I am t-h-r-i-l-l-e-d! The minute she told me she didn’t want to have a baby shower because she already had one with her first baby and she felt “wrong” having a second one I was so bummed. She felt like it may seem like she’s just asking for gifts and she didn’t think that’d be right. But I have always wanted to celebrate every.single.thing.possible! Life is just too short not to celebrate everything. I mean, how boring would it be without holidays and birthdays and BABY parties! 😀 A gender reveal party could be a good way to get Matthew excited about his new role as big brother. He could help reveal if it’s a boy or girl. This would make him feel included and important, too. I encouraged Leah to have a gender reveal party.
Record your life and watch it back – You’ll learn a lot about yourself. And boy, am I learning a lot about me and all of my beliefs while publicly watching it back with you guys. My ways of being pushy and … I hate to say this because I don’t want to believe it’s true … selfish. I am embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior. I’ve always strived to be a ‘honest to goodness’ kind of person. Someone that my friends and family can whole-heartedly rely on. And ever since I can remember I’ve strongly “encouraged” them to be believe in themselves and yearn for bigger, better, stronger – not just settle with what life throws at ’em. I just want them to be the best they can be. But obviously I “encourage” a bit too much because my sister flat out told me I had selfish tendencies. Maybe they’re happy with what life has dealt them and they don’t need ‘bigger, better, stronger.’ My jaw hit the floor. Gosh, I really feel like I am failing at all parts in life. I’m disappointing everyone important in my life. I have officially hit rock bottom. But, this isn’t about me. And, since it’s been clearly spelled out that I tend to make it all about me, I need to re-direct my focus.
I haven’t seen my step-dad in years. I believe the last time I saw him it was when I had custody of Leah. She went over to his house to visit. I received a phone call from her crying and asking me to come get her immediately. When I pulled into his drive she came out and said that they had gotten in a fight and he flexed his fist at her.
Yeah, ya know this man has a pretty bad background. When I was a child I’ve watched him hurt my mom over and over again. He’s been in and out of jail for domestic violence among other issues. And, you guys know that I am a brutally honest person. I have very little respect for this man. (And the teeny-tiny bit I do have comes because he seems to have really changed his life around.) But, this party isn’t about me or who I respect. It’s not about who I would or would not invite. It’s about Leah and what she wants. She wanted her mom and her dad there. I am so happy that my mom ended up showing up and this party turned out to be a great success! (If you watched the episode you’d know my sis is having a baby GIRL and she will be here before Thanksgiving! Name: Rylin Nicole!) [Brag moment: Middle name Nicole is after ME! :-D]
Will Doug Ever Want a House and Babies
The struggle is real. I don’t want to endlessly nag my husband about a home and a baby. And I don’t need to have these things tomorrow. I just want to know that he will eventually want to make a family with me. It’s not like we had time to figure this out before we got married. The only reason I keep bringing it up is because I do not feel confident he wants these things (at least not with me.) I don’t want to waste his time or mine. By telling each other what we want to hear or avoiding topics like this altogether just so we can get along is getting us nowhere. I’d rather figure this out sooner rather than later. But, like my sister said, I need to stop thinking about me and all of my needs. I need to take a step back and think about what Doug wants and needs.
What To Expect Tonight
Marriage is work. And our problems aren’t exclusive to us. I know this because so many of you have reached out to me both publicly and privately sharing your story with me. (Thanks so much for that!) Tonight you can see us diving into our marriage more. And, we know we need help. So, you can expect to see Dr. Pepper again, too. Doug and I will be tweeting LIVE during Married At First Sight: The First Year tonight at 9EST on FYI. We’ll also be LIVE on periscope. And as always, we will also be on instagram and facebook, too. (@JamieNOtis / @DougHehner)
Looking forward to connecting with you all. Thanks for all of your comments, encouragement, and advice. We love our #MAFSFamily!