Married At First Sight: The First Year S2 E5
Fight, Fight, Fight
It seems that Doug and I have one form of communication: fight. Episode 5 of Married At First Sight: The First Year season 2 begins with – you guessed it – Doug and me fighting. I wanted to surprise Doug by taking him fencing. And yes, you heard me right. Fencing. It was something he wanted to do on his Pre-Baby Bucket List. What a random sport. But anyway…. Ya know, I used to love watching MAFS because I could relive so many happy moments. Yeah, not quite the same this season. But, I guess that’s just life. It’s filled with ups and downs. I suppose I should just put my big girl panties on and keep moving in hopes we make it through this ‘down.’
Easier Said Than Done
Before we even get into our fencing clothes Doug tells me that this is the first time in our relationship that he “doubted we are right for each other.” How’s that for a taste of my own medicine? To say I was caught off guard and completely shocked is a complete understatement. No matter what I was struggling with, he had always seemed so steady, strong and committed to me and our relationship. I couldn’t believe he was now questioning everything. I was so hurt and felt like such a fool because, whether it looks like it or not, I was truly trying to be a better wife as we figured out what was going on.
But after watching it all back on Married At First Sight: The First Year, I feel like such a hypocrite. All along I have doubted whether or not we were meant to be together – to last forever? I had hoped for it, but I didn’t truly know if I could trust in it. I was honest with Doug about this because we met in such a peculiar way I didn’t want to just “string him along.” I wanted him to know exactly what my thoughts, desires, and goals were. And I always told him I wanted his honest feelings too. But, the minute he was honest about his feelings I felt like a bull dozer just crushed my heart. I felt vulnerable and exposed. Maybe I needed to feel that. I mean, isn’t that exactly what I had been making Doug feel like on and off since the beginning of our marriage?
Gender Reveal Party
My sister, Leah, is having a baby! (By the way – she is due next week!!!) Obviously I am t-h-r-i-l-l-e-d! The minute she told me she didn’t want to have a baby shower because she already had one with her first baby and she felt “wrong” having a second one I was so bummed. She felt like it may seem like she’s just asking for gifts and she didn’t think that’d be right. But I have always wanted to celebrate every.single.thing.possible! Life is just too short not to celebrate everything. I mean, how boring would it be without holidays and birthdays and BABY parties! 😀 A gender reveal party could be a good way to get Matthew excited about his new role as big brother. He could help reveal if it’s a boy or girl. This would make him feel included and important, too. I encouraged Leah to have a gender reveal party.
Rock Bottom
Record your life and watch it back – You’ll learn a lot about yourself. And boy, am I learning a lot about me and all of my beliefs while publicly watching it back with you guys. My ways of being pushy and … I hate to say this because I don’t want to believe it’s true … selfish. I am embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior. I’ve always strived to be a ‘honest to goodness’ kind of person. Someone that my friends and family can whole-heartedly rely on. And ever since I can remember I’ve strongly “encouraged” them to be believe in themselves and yearn for bigger, better, stronger – not just settle with what life throws at ’em. I just want them to be the best they can be. But obviously I “encourage” a bit too much because my sister flat out told me I had selfish tendencies. Maybe they’re happy with what life has dealt them and they don’t need ‘bigger, better, stronger.’ My jaw hit the floor. Gosh, I really feel like I am failing at all parts in life. I’m disappointing everyone important in my life. I have officially hit rock bottom. But, this isn’t about me. And, since it’s been clearly spelled out that I tend to make it all about me, I need to re-direct my focus.
Family
I haven’t seen my step-dad in years. I believe the last time I saw him it was when I had custody of Leah. She went over to his house to visit. I received a phone call from her crying and asking me to come get her immediately. When I pulled into his drive she came out and said that they had gotten in a fight and he flexed his fist at her.
Yeah, ya know this man has a pretty bad background. When I was a child I’ve watched him hurt my mom over and over again. He’s been in and out of jail for domestic violence among other issues. And, you guys know that I am a brutally honest person. I have very little respect for this man. (And the teeny-tiny bit I do have comes because he seems to have really changed his life around.) But, this party isn’t about me or who I respect. It’s not about who I would or would not invite. It’s about Leah and what she wants. She wanted her mom and her dad there. I am so happy that my mom ended up showing up and this party turned out to be a great success! (If you watched the episode you’d know my sis is having a baby GIRL and she will be here before Thanksgiving! Name: Rylin Nicole!) [Brag moment: Middle name Nicole is after ME! :-D]
Will Doug Ever Want a House and Babies
The struggle is real. I don’t want to endlessly nag my husband about a home and a baby. And I don’t need to have these things tomorrow. I just want to know that he will eventually want to make a family with me. It’s not like we had time to figure this out before we got married. The only reason I keep bringing it up is because I do not feel confident he wants these things (at least not with me.) I don’t want to waste his time or mine. By telling each other what we want to hear or avoiding topics like this altogether just so we can get along is getting us nowhere. I’d rather figure this out sooner rather than later. But, like my sister said, I need to stop thinking about me and all of my needs. I need to take a step back and think about what Doug wants and needs.
What To Expect Tonight
Marriage is work. And our problems aren’t exclusive to us. I know this because so many of you have reached out to me both publicly and privately sharing your story with me. (Thanks so much for that!) Tonight you can see us diving into our marriage more. And, we know we need help. So, you can expect to see Dr. Pepper again, too. Doug and I will be tweeting LIVE during Married At First Sight: The First Year tonight at 9EST on FYI. We’ll also be LIVE on periscope. And as always, we will also be on instagram and facebook, too. (@JamieNOtis / @DougHehner)
Looking forward to connecting with you all. Thanks for all of your comments, encouragement, and advice. We love our #MAFSFamily!
Jamie Otis
28 comments
On Rock bottom… You say your going to re direct yourself. I wish you would have put your thoughts on what you were thinking of how or steps to redirect your self 😉
thanks for the feedback! 🙂
Be easy on yourself. Most of this comes from such deeply rooted fears and our reactions aren’t really about the issue but about the fear. I don’t know if anyone is really ever meant for each other, but I do know that reaching the true commitment phase (where divorce finally completely gets taken off the table) is infinitely better than the butterflies in the beginning. It’s so tough to imagine that someone can truly love us if we believe we’re not enough. That’s the truth you must fight. One final piece of advice: do your best to picture yourself as he sees you during a fight. It does a lot to help you say your truth in a way that doesn’t destroy his heart. Keep fighting for each other. (And Gottman’s research is so helpful for extra-super reflective people.)
hello to comment here waving and the marriage never been easy to it takes work, patience, communication and above all love. I’ve learned that sometimes to progress you must learn to step into the shoes of another in marriage can not be selfish and think that we are always right much less wanting to impose our ways, marriage is two with their experiences and customs trying find the best way to adapt and always move together discussions always will be but the ability to leave them in the best way is important and especially not hurting our colleague, I also believe that first you have to solve the course of the marriage before to even talk about children, the children are beautiful but as parents we have a huge responsibility to bring them to an environment where they feel loved and where he or she sees that her family is united, when you as a couple are in the same way else It will naturally give but I can assure that marriage and children is the most beautiful thing there and find emotional stability with yourself and your beloved people to better play our role as mother and companion I wish for you to find the best way to walk together and that happens when God grants them the beautiful blessing of parenthood. Cheers
Guys hang in there the easiest thing to do is to give up…I’ve been rooting for you since day 1
thank you 🙂
LEAVE A COMMENT
Times can be tough. Don’t give up on Doug. Don’t give up on Doug and Jamie! A better day is around the corner. Every marriage has stresses. Sometimes they last awhile (yikes), but this too shall pass. You have a great guy – and he thinks you are pretty great, too. My husband is like Doug in the the whole -> I’m tired from working all day, and I just need to go sit and relax. This was tough for me, especially when we had children. After a day of Sesame Street, toys everywhere, diapers, fussy baby, etc etc I just wanted to talk to another adult – and he wanted to be left alone. Like you, it hurt my feelings. We talked about it and came up with a solution. I’d let him come home and chill for a half hour, but after that he would spend some time talking with me. We have done that for 37 years – it still works. The key is to not take it personally. (I know that can be difficult) It’s important to work on the problem – not each other. Problem -> he needs some down time – I need some adult time with him. the solution was a compromise that worked for us. I believe you an Doug will find the solutions to the challenges you face in your marriage. Hang in there! Ignore the haters – you don’t need that kind of pressure. I wouldn’t even read that stuff. Delete !!!! Works great!
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You’re doing some amazing and challenging emotional work. How about a ‘bond’ with Doug that states what each of you are willing to commit to after its maturity date? I know how it feels to want to just know what’s in your future and that it matches the plan you’ve dreamed of. Keep being yourself and stay in the conversation – it’s the only way to make any progress. Be blessed, above all, both of you.
To much honesty. What a joke. Not a ‘leave a real comment’ site at all. Just more sugar coated BS. Let him go Jamie and get your mean self some real long-term help.
Jamie…I was really rooting for you and Doug during the first season of MAFS and have followed you into the two follow up seasons. I hope you are taking a good look at your behavior and that you are talking to a therapist outside of Dr. Pepper. I see so many red flags, giant red flags related to your relationship with Doug as well as your own personal agenda. Honestly, I see a woman who clearly loves the spotlight and camera, a woman who is constantly playing to that camera. I find your way of communicating during the “talk to the camera” session so affected and disingenuous. You come across as selfish, spoiled and annoying. What I find most troubling is your desire to “have a bay bee”…spelled that way on purpose as that is how you always say it. You hae mentioned numerous times you want a child to fulfill you, to give your life purpose and this week…to act as your friend when Doug is not around. Good lord, Jamie, that poor little unborn child already will be saddled with a huge responsibility before he/she even enters the world. A woman should NEVER bring a child into this world to fulfill herself, to give her life a purpose…NEVER.
YOu need to get your head on straight before you even begin to consdier bringing a child into this world.Doug should not be responsible for finding you something to do so you won’t be “lonely”.
You are an adult…you should be able to find a way to keep yourself happy and a baby is not the answer. Doug clearly sees that you are not ready to have a child…how could you be when you are constantly bringing up your ex boyfriend? How cruel and selfish you are. If that guy understands you and you can talk to him and blah, blah . blah than you need to chose him and move on.
I wonder what you are really like…in person and when there is no camera to vamp for.
its hard to see your self through someone else’s eyes, especially when you have a different opinion of yourself- i don’t mean that to be nasty either- i know i only get to see clips of what the producers want us to see, but i’d like to say that ( i know everyone says it) communication is the key, TELL doug you don’t need the house and baby tomorrow but that you just NEED to know it is an option, and HE needs to come right out and TELL you yes he wants kids but he NEEDS to have a life with you first. I think you will ‘back off’ a bit if you are reassured, and he will calm down and not feel nagged/pressured. i know you don’t want to hear this, but hear me when i say,… that an emotional affair is still an affair, honesty is the best poilicy – in my thoughts- i’m not going to place blame soley on you, think about it,..i understand and get that this man was your ex,..but he is your ex for a reason,….. he needs you to tell him that this is affecting your marriage, and if HE dosen’t back off simply out of respect for your marriage, then he is not a good human being. any righteous man will back off and step away from your ‘friendship’ out of respect for you, your marriage, and your HUSBAND!….. i honestly beleive you love doug, and you don’t want to hurt him, i believe that you are a great person and you mean well and i know what its like to live in a past like yours,..you have a good life get out of your own way and live it! 🙂 with doug! 🙂 try the book the Love Dare, and the movie, Fireproof. they are eye opening ! God Bless wp:)
You are straight out lying to yourself about what you are doing to those around you and what effect it has on them. What your intent is. What you motives are. What you are looking to ‘get’ from such behaviors. What the ‘payoff’ is to you to keep them up. Having been a victim at any point in your life to others abusive behaviors is not a calling card for the cruelty, manipulation, selfishness, meanspiritedness and disregard you are demonstrating to the world and inflicting on your husband. Having come from a similar background and childhood experience I am compelled to share with you that nothing can and ever has motivated me to openly and willfully cause harm on another human in the name of ‘honesty’ and rightful disclosure. As IF you were doing the right thing. As IF it were your right. As IF you were being ‘honest’. As IF any of it would and should justify such pain and sadness. The people writing to you around the internet including your husband who say keep your chin up, we are all human, relationships take time, thanks for putting yourself out there, etc. are missing the point. A part of you knew exactly what you were doing, how much harm it would cause and how much suffering your man would need to endure to stay beside you. Yep. You did it for attention, for a reaction, to cause damage and to inflict pain. And, once you got the very reaction you were seeking it opened the door to even more discontent – ‘lonely, sad, bored, etc.’. But, Jamie, you were lonely, sad and bored long before there was Doug. And, angry, spiteful, self centered, manipulative, MEAN, etc. Sugar coating it is not going to get you to the deep personal awareness you need to pull yourself out of it. My heart is most heavy when I think how difficult and painful it is for Doug’s family to what him suffer in the hands of a woman in the state you are in. I have prayed every day of my own son’s life that he never meet a woman such as yourself. Hand to God – please let it not be his destiny. And, please send Doug the energy and comfort he needs to put this all behind him without looking back when the day comes. Open heart, open mind open future.
Not to engage a bully, but I see you’ve left more than one hateful message and I’m wondering why you’re taking this so personally? And maybe I should point out your hypocritical statement: “I am compelled to share with you that nothing can and ever has motivated me to openly and willfully cause harm on another human in the name of ‘honesty’ and rightful disclosure.” Aren’t you doing that right now? If you think she’s so horrible, boycott her–don’t become a bully.
Jamie, I am surprised that Dr. Pepper has not talked with you about co-dependency. You are depending on other people for your happiness and that just does not work. I had to go to counseling to learn that about myself. If you learn to depend only on yourself, you will be much happier.
Do you ever prepare dinner for the two of you? It certainly gives a husband something to look forward to and a good reason for him to come home on time. Just saying…..
Jamie:
I value your honesty and I am sure deep down inside so does Doug. Honesty is a rare find these days. On the other hand you need to understand Doug. In his heart I am sure he wants a house and children with you as well. However, how can you undertake such a huge responsibility when the person you love, has told you that they still think of their ex. The fact of the unknown will hinder any thought on buying a house or having children. Once this all clears up, and he is sure the past has gone away, I am sure he will be the one wanting a house and children. In the meantime, be happy, show him your love, forget the past and move on with your marriage. Sometimes we get caught up with the past not realizing that the best is yet to come. God Bless.
Hang in there, my hubby and I have been married for almost fourteen years. Our story is AMAZING, it’s fairytale stuff, the beginning at least…. We knew each other growing up, our parents were good friends and we would spend every Saturday night having homemade pizza and watching Airwolf. We grew up in South Africa. When I was ten my parents decided to move to the UK, not my favourite part of our story, I guess this is just my part and we lost touch with our friends in South Africa…. Fast forward a few sad years later, one messed up teenage girl with a father passed away and many many issues, we decided to visit our beloved country. We contacted our friends and stayed with them. It was love at first sight, for both of us. He walked into the room and my heart just exploded. We spent a week together, neither of us telling the other one how we felt or even giving the slightest hint. When we had to leave to travel around SA, I thought I was going to die, I missed him so much, I had filmed him and I watched it every hotel we stopped at. Then we got to a chance to stay with our friends for one more day before we flew back to the UK. It was amazing, but I was devastated to leave. Still neither of us said anything, as I was leaving, we exchanged email addresses and promised to write. We wrote and called each other and by the third email had told each other we were in love. Three years of long distance relationships, trips and emails and phone calls, huge phone bills, crappy jobs to pay for all the phone bills and visits. I finally moved back eight months before we got married, to get a job, plan for the wedding. We got married, had an amazing two years, almost… There was fighting…. Nothing we couldn’t handle. We got pregnant almost two years in and had a beautiful little boy, two months early and very sick, on a ventilator and not doing too well, but he did amazingly and we got through it, eleven months later, pregnant again, this time with a girl. She was healthy and on time…. Everything was amazing. I had a beautiful family, the fights were still there, still nothing we couldn’t handle, getting slightly more intense. I got sick, when my daughter was two, I guess it had been coming for years, I was always thin and healthy and I started picking up weight, feeling tired and irritable…. Our fights got worse… I went to multiple Dr’s and found out it was Hashimotos, the fights for even worse…. I wondered if we were going to make it. I hated my body and my how my personality had changed, I’m pretty sure my husband did too. What happened to our fairytale? Eventually in 2012 I had had enough, he had had enough and I threw my toys out of the cot, decided I don’t care anymore and acted like a complete baby for a year while I had an emotional/mental breakdown. I got tattoos, me…. Probably the most unlikely person to get tattoos, I chatted to other guys and decided to be selfish, knowingly and on purpose. My steady, wonderful husband, although angry, stood by me in my craziness and we went for counseling. Nothing changed straight away, in fact it took a couple of years, but we are on track, we are happy, I’m still sick, but he is understanding, I’m still fat, but not as bad and I still don’t like myself or the way I look, but I’m working on a healthier me. We still have our fights, but what made the difference is that we both decided we would never get divorced NO MATTER what. It helps that I have a strong and steady guy, he actually reminds me of Doug and you remind me of me. Hang in there, It is all worth it in the end. It’s not easy living with another person who is so different from yourself. It will all be alright. Talk to him and let him talk.
You really need to quit with the EX! How disrespectful. He’s your ex for a reason. So either accept it and move on, or go back to him and quit being so disrespectful of your husband.
I know its hard to watch yourself back let alone put your marriage on public blast. That being said your being too hard on yourself. You made mistakes, did and said things you wish you could take back and maybe put what you wanted before your husband. But you know what that is part of marriage, of a relationship. Its not all easy, pretty or flowers and unicorns that people make it out to be. Even in the best of marriages done in the best of situations this stuff happens. I just had my 30th anniversary and I can say both of us have done and said things we shouldn’t have. We have both put our needs before each other, made choices and mistakes that hurt the other. The important part is realizing it and changing . The most important thing is saying I’m wrong and I’m sorry. No one is perfect, no marriage is perfect and as much as we love Doug as well as you he isn’t perfect either. I’m a firm believer in doing things before you have kids because once you do their needs and wants come first. That being said Doug’s baby bucket list didn’t seem sincere it seemed like let’s throw everything on there just to put this off. Again he has the right to feel that it’s not the right time to have kids, to want to do things before hand to worry your heart wasn’t in the right place because of thinking of your ex. But some of those things just seemed like a joke and that is not a time or place to joke. He isn’t perfect hasn’t been perfect either. As long as there is love there or a foundation then your marriage will work. Is it perfect no, is it easy no way. You will have times in your marriage over the years of being so in love to down right ready to strangle each other over the sound of each other breathing. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest for me no it was the first five years. Everyone struggles and trust me your marriage can be what you think is the best and you have that child and guess what it happens all over again. Adding kids to the mix shakes up the best of marriages. Anyone that says their marriage is perfect,they never fight, are not being honest Marriage is not just love its the good the bad and the ugly and sometimes you sit there and think what did I just do? I remember watching your episode after you got married where you said those exact words but you had married a complete stranger. Can I tell you something I knew my husband for 5 years, engaged for two, I was just like you a planner so I wouldn’t get married till all my furniture was paid for, till I had money saved for a house, had a little nest egg. I thought finally I got this everything is perfect. The year leading up to the wedding well its fun its exciting. You get married you go on a honeymoon and then you come home. and reality sets in I remember sitting there the night we got back saying the exact words you did and I knew my husband very well, I thought I had everything in order. But again its normal and I think you should stop being so hard on yourself. I wish social media would give you a break. No one sees everything, no one knows who and what is edited and if even its all the truth guess what in everyone’s marriage these things happen and its by both spouses. I think if you want the marriage and doug then you need to forgive yourself and let it go. Again the biggest thing not only in marriage but life is being able to say I messed up and I’m sorry.
I am so sad. I lost channel on our tv. I never watched you two but follow you the best I can. I watched last season (CRAZY). And now this season I don’t have channel. So sad. Can you tell me if you and Doug are still together?
Hey Jamie!
My hubby felt the same way about the baby talk, and now he is finally ready And he felt the same way about getting married, when we were dating. Guys just don’t jump in right away, and they need that time…I know we get excited and are ready! But guys just need their time…he will be ready, when it’s right 🙂
If my partner had told me he still had feelings for an Ex, I think I’d feel insecure about our marriage lasting too. I’m sure Doug would love children in the future, but he’s been hurt by the news of your Ex, and doesn’t want to bring a child into a marriage that may not be on solid ground. I think you need to work on the marriage first, before even thinking about having a baby. I love you guys, and hope you make it! You’re young, enjoy each other, and the baby will come. 😉
Jamie, you are such an amazing woman. The things you have overcome in life are things that not everyone would be capable of getting through. Your love for your family is beautiful. I truly enjoy watching you and Doug this season (and past ones too!) thanks for always being yourself and being honest. You two are the best!
I too am a labor and delivery nurse. I love my job with all my heart. And it is very obvious that you do too.
Jamie, don’t be so down on yourself. You are a normal person with doubt’s, fears, and insecurities! I appreciate your honesty and I am very much like you! Keep communication open with Doug because overall it does help a marriage! Love watching you guys and love your jewelry! A little pricy for the average girl but I hope to buy a piece soon!
My heart goes out to you. I don’t blame you for feeling insecure about the house and the baby. I would feel that way too. It appears to me that you are doing everything you can to give Doug what he wants. This is just my opinion (which means nothing lol). but the way I see it, If he doesn’t commit to your needs after some time (a year or more?–only you can decide that), I would say it’s time for you to move on. I don’t think your being selfish at all. I see a lot of work on your part and it breaks my heart when a man is not willing to commit to the needs of his wife, either. My 3rd marriage was a charm. The first two were like Doug. I decided that as much as I hated divorce, I was not going to waste my time any longer. I was worth more and I needed to find someone who wanted kids just as much as I did!!! My 3rd was my charm. We’ve now been married 22 years and have 3 children together. Those two previous Ex’s waited a long time to have kids. I now have health issues so it’s a good thing I didn’t wait around. In my case, moving on to find the right man is what worked best for me. Give your best shot for now, but if he’s not willing to met you 1/2 way after you’ve done all that you could, then you will know you did everything humanly possible. Hugs on your journey.
OMG I know just exactly what you are going thru. I took care of my siblings, not because my mom was a bad mom. In fact she was ok. But, she yelled a LOT. We just got out if her way. I grew up Bossy and managed to stay out of the way. We got spanked a LOT.
So, as an 18 year old I wanted to leave sooooooo bad. They mom and dad wouldn’t let me..I even saved up to get my own place. They accused me of wanting to have men over…NOT. Ok the thing is now after listening to what you are writing…I am bossy, selfish, demanding (Oh God am I really admitting this about myself?) I think it’s so brave that you can say the things you’ve said. So if you can do it at your young age…I can say what I said at 66 years old.
You have learned so much so young….I have such respect for what you are doing. I have been telling my husband all about this. I was married before and he was a creep. I bossed the Hell right out of him. We came from so totally different backgrounds. You are soul searching…so am I … I have a great husband now..I met him at 51. I have been pretty bossy with him too. I’m so lucky he loves me in spite of it. Jamie, you are lucky here. Doug I suppose seems like a real stinker sometimes, and I know you want things a certain way…but how about just taking one step back and just listen, watch. Be the good person I know you are. I know we have never met. That’s ok…I guess it’s silly for me to figure you are my friend, but it feels that way cause I see you all the time. These are just my thoughts and feelings about what I see and read. Take it easy…you are working all these feelings out. It will take time and effort…I know you can do this!
One of the hardest life lessons, one that I learn and forget with each unexpected turn, is to quit giving unless I can give without any future expectation in return. Gifting of time, trust, love and respect are gifts that come from a loving heart. They are surrounded with ghosts of the past unless we cleanse them of requiring a response. I’m thinking you may also be unwittingly setting yourself up with expectations that are to be met by others. That’s giving your power away. May you do better at working on this than I am.