This has been the most difficult season of all the Married At First Sight shows we’ve been on. It’s always fun to re-live your good times, but who wants to watch the hard times over and over again?
Well, when you take those hard times and learn from them it isn’t so bad.
During last week’s episode of Married At First Sight:The First Year I go to a therapist. I’ve never been opposed to going to therapy – as a matter of fact, when I had custody of my little sisters the three of us went to a great therapist who helped us sort out the dynamics of our dysfunctional family – but something about desperately needing it PERSONALLY is a bit embarrassing to me.
There’ve been a lot of things I’ve been through in life that I’ve kept quiet and stuffed way deep down. I always hid in shame and fear of all the ugly things that have happened to me and that I’ve done myself in my life. I didn’t really think these issues had that big of an impact on my current life. I mean, some of these things happened years ago. But Doug, my husband, was adamant that I get “professional help.” (Gosh, to me this sounds like he thinks I belong in the looney bin!)
They say that finding the right therapist may take time and the first one you go to may not be the best one for you.
The first therapist I go to is a male. Some of the issues I’ve struggled with are directly related to the male species. Why on earth would I book an appointment with a dude expecting to open up to him? Strike one.
This therapist is located in NYC. Doug and I no longer live in manhattan. We moved to NJ over a year ago. The commute to get to the therapist is about an hour. That in itself should be a red flag that long term commitment would be difficult. Strike two.
Here are some tips I’ve learned from beginning my therapy…
- If you’re a female struggling with any sort of abuse from men then you should really see a female therapist. Trust me on this one.
- Research, Research, Research! Not all therapists are created equally. Some have certain niches that make them more suitable for you. Don’t just go to the first person you find on Yelp.com.
- Therapy is SUPER expensive – but mental health is just as important as physical health. If your insurance doesn’t cover it allow yourself to “splurge” for your sanity – literally. Your mind, body, and soul will thank you for it later.
Don’t put therapy in a black and white box. And, don’t let others who think you should go to therapy do that to you, either. Therapy comes in many different forms.
–Exercise (which I don’t do nearly enough) is a great form of therapy. Something about sweating out all of your problems helps ya relax and get things off your chest.
–Meditation. This doesn’t have to be Buddha-like. Just drawing a bubble bath and relaxing in it does wonders for your soul. Another way to meditate is to go to a local yoga class.
–Music – in all genres – is very therapeutic. Popping some headphones on while going for a brisk walk (getting two forms of therapy at once – booyah!) is a great way to relieve tension.
-And to me, writing has always been very therapeutic. When you have a tough day, feel incredibly sad, or just need to vent – write it out. Nothing has been comparable to keeping a diary and journaling my struggles, issues, sad times, good times, etc. Seriously, if you’ve never tried this I highly recommend it. Exercise and meditation can be challenging because you actually have to get off your butt and do something. When you write you can stay right on your derrière. 😉
Wifey 101: Everything I Got Wrong After Finding Mr. Right
After going to therapy (the traditional way where I meet up with someone to talk) I took all of my journals and diaries and mapped out my story. I needed help understanding me and why I am the way I am. Like, who asks their husband “will you love me forever?” …I had/have severe insecurities. I always feel like I’m not really loved or liked and/or that I won’t be loved or cared for forever. It took me going to therapy – in many different ways – and really digging into my past to understand myself.
Writing my first book was one of the most therapeutic things I have ever done. It brought boat loads of healing to me. I’m sharing my story,Wifey 101: Everything I Got Wrong After Finding Mr. Right
I hope you find it helpful to you in one way or another. No one suffers alone. We all have some sort of heavy burden we are carrying – but we don’t have to. Let’s support each other and help ourselves by no longer hiding in shame and fear of our past.
Below is a sneak peek of tonight’s episode on Married At First Sight:The First Year.
xx,
Jamie
P.S – Doug and I will be tweeting, snapchatting and periscoping LIVE for Married At First Sight: The First Year tonight! We’ve TAKEN OVER FYI’S Snapchat! Follow us personally at JamieNOtis & DougHehner – and on MAFS Tuesdays follow FYITV! 🙂 See y’all at 9pm EST!
Jamie Otis
8 comments
I think most women do wonder those things so you’re certainly not alone. I know I for sure I have and can still find myself wondering as I consider the fact that I’m 40 and still single. I forgot to mention her husband John Eldredge wrote a book called Wild at Heart which is also good. I think it’s in that book that he talks about there being built into the heart of every man a warrior spirit and the desire for a beauty to rescue. It’s the idea that a man is made to fight for the heart of a woman, much like we all watched Doug do with you. You know, it’s so interesting to me that we tend to think what we watched you two go through (and I think you both even said at different points) isn’t a fairy tale or somehow equates to a catastrophe of a marriage, but when you really consider a fairy tale, there’s ALWAYS a beauty and ALWAYS an epic battle or fight of some kind for her heart and for the relationship. The problem with fairy tales is that we’re only left with the picture of them riding off into the sunset and therefore left forgetting the entire battle that we just spent 90 minutes watching. We never get to see the fight that must continue to keep the relationship strong so we’re then left believing that it’s all rainbows and butterflies, as you affectionately say, and that it’s easy-peasy, smooth sailing. Ha. So not true. Anyway, thanks for humoring my out-loud processing on your blog 😉
I love hearing what you think! And I LOVE when y’all comment because it makes me feel like someone enjoys reading my blogs enough to say “hi” to me at the end. I will have to read that book because that sounds great, too! xoxo
I was just reading some of your old blogs, Jamie… catching up on all that I missed as a new stalker (er, follower) 😉 of your story. This comment you made above caught my attention, “Like, who asks their husband “will you love me forever?” …I had/have severe insecurities. I always feel like I’m not really loved or liked and/or that I won’t be loved or cared for forever.” It makes me think of one of my favorite books called Captivating by Stasi Eldredge. She suggests that every woman is seeking an answer to a question that begins when we are little girls, That is, “Am I lovely?” We want to know we’re captivating but often that question is answered with a “No, there is nothing captivating about you.” She goes on to say, “Nearly all a woman does in her adult life is fueled by her longing to be delighted in, her longing to be beautiful, to be irreplaceable, to have her Question answered, ‘Yes!'” She talks about little girls needing the tender strength of their fathers and that it’s via our fathers that we are supposed to learn the answer to our Question… Am I lovely? Am I captivating? “From them, we learn that we are delighted in, that we are special… or that we are not.” With your past, it makes such complete sense that you would ask Doug if he would love you forever. It is so neat to me that you ended up with a man willing to take the time to show you how lovely, delightful and captivating you really are. You needed to know that and he does such a great job of answering the Question that you never got to have answered by a father. I’m not sure if Captivating is at all the type of book that you would ever read but if you ever have a mind to do so, it’s a great book. Another book that makes me think of your story is one called Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. It’s a fiction book but oh, so good and is in keeping with theme of Captivating as well as your past. Again, I have no idea if it’s the sort of book that would ever interest you but it’s one of my all time favs as well. Your story is really beautiful. Thank you (to you and Doug both really) for sharing it with the world. It’s obvious that so many people, especially women, have been touched in some way by watching you two and continuing to see your relationship unfold through social media. I know it has had made an impression on me and has had my mind twirling with lots of thoughts and questions. Hopefully, Doug has made an impression on the hearts of men as well. His story is just as needed in that arena.
WOW, this is so interesting to me. It’s so true – I can remember all of my life wondering if I was worthy and beautiful and fun. Interesting. I’ll definitely look into this book. Thanks for sharing. xoxo
It’s nice to see you really falling in Love! Love takes so much work. I’ve been married for 26 years. The first 7 years was really just buffing out how to live together. The one thing I learned is that we are all different and you can’t bully your spouse into changing. (Not that you are doing that) I say that as now I wish I could take back the things I said in the fights we had early on. Expectations can really bring in lots of frustrations in the marriage. I read a book by Dr. Laura called the proper care and feeding of your husband. It’s not that kind of FOOD-It opened my eyes– It was my counseling. It had a workbook. It’s an easy read but it helped me change my expectations. I have two boys and it helps me with them as well. good luck.
thanks for this recommendation. I will definitely check it out! 🙂
Jamie you have survived so much adversity and you are academically accomplished and a great wife. Your desires for a home and baby are not unreasonable. They are milestones. They stand for something. i.e. the promise of “forever”
So, you, lovely young lady DO NOT need a therapist. Remember…too much of a compromise is a surrender! from me, a 70 yr old attorney, married my whole life.My best to you and Doug!
Thank you so much, Susan. 🙂